'America's Next Top Model': The Inky-Slink

Whenever it was that we last caught up with America's Next Top Model, Lauren Brie's innate modeling ability got her sent home, while somehow Samantha's Ellen Barkin face lives on. And seven "models" remain!

Sheena bemoans her appearance in the bottom two, and Elina is understandably cranky about being told her tears seem fake. She blames her European upbringing, and Marjorie agrees whole-heartedly, although Sam points out that the girls have lived in America a lot longer than they lived in Europe. This infuriates Elina, and back at the house, Marjorie and Elina hole up together while the rest of the girls gossip about the European Invasion on the couch. TyraMail! "Work it, sell it, own it." Oh, this is the prostitution challenge! The girls are shuttled to meet with those nutty Aswirl Twins from the season with crazy Jade. Remember them? They're like the Doublemint Twins as envisioned by Richard Roundtree. The girls attempt to sell accessories to the twins, and Marjorie is, you know. Awkward. Or European, apparently.

And then things get stranger. Someone in a greenscreen full-body unitard shows up in a dress and pearls, appearing sans body on a monitor. (I know, I know: ok, on the monitor, it's just the walking dress and pearls. Dig?) This green creature is James St. James, "fashion provacateur" (oh honey please), who announces that the girls will be walking as invisible models in a fashion show. Ok, that's kind of cool. Ann Shoket is here. Hi Ann! The winner of the challenge will do a holiday accessories spread in "Seventeen". Elina gets claustrophobic in the face-covering unitard, but is able to conquer her fears. Marjorie doesn't realize that her dress has fallen around her waist, and McKey does weird things with her fishtail hem. Analeigh works her pearl necklace, but Samantha keeps undressing and redressing herself. Joslyn does a strange almost stripteasy thing with her belt, and Sheena just spins in circles. Elina wins the challenge, and choses Marjorie and Analeigh to join her at the "Seventeen" shoot.

TyraMail! "A well-read model is always prompt." Oooh, Cover Girl commercial! Always good for some crashing and some burning. Joslyn is stressing about her poor performance, and is feeling under the weather to boot. For some reason, Sam decides to put on a sort of Mickey-Rooney-as-Mr.-Yunioshi accent while Analeigh is using teriyaki sauce, and Analeigh warns her that some people might be offended. Sheena speaks up as the lone Asian voice in the house and says that if she isn't offended, nobody else should be; Marjorie and Elina smirk at each other at this, and Sheena gets really really Bronx on their asses. Specifically, she takes issue with the fact that Elina did a holiday-themed accessories spread when she is an atheist. Elina, rightly, says that this is the silliest thing she's ever heard.

Whitney is a Cover Girl. She has a life. And a truly brutal weave.

The next morning, things are awkward, and Joslyn has developed a cough. They shuttle to a Bel Air mansion to find....Whitney! What, was Saleisha unavailable? Due to eleventy bajillion cycles of models forgetting their lines, the ladies are now going to be working off of a teleprompter. Oh, that's going to go well. Sam is awkward and obnoxious, which I suppose means she's just herself in front of a camera. Elina is too controlled. McKey wanders around, and looks a little...super-masculine. Analeigh is adorable and engaging and I love her to pieces. Meanwhile, backstage, Joslyn vomits into a trash can. That poor girl. She does her best but you can see how sick she is. Marjorie is nervous and motors through the lines, leaning on walls for support, and cries after her first take. Sheena rocks it completely and is really sassy and confident and fun.

Panel! Prizes! Notables! Tyra wants to remind us of that whole thing  with those Vivienne Westwood platforms from cycle 6 before sending the girls backstage to walk runway in wooden clogs. Sheena and Joslyn are awesome, and Sam can't even walk like a human. Oh, they're going to AMSTERDAM. That's why the clogs. The Aswirl Twins appear dressed as windmills? And Miss Jay has blonde braids? Oh, just go with it. This is always my favorite elimination: all of you are going on a fabulous trip except...(say Samantha, say Samantha.) We watch the girls' commercials and Sam is indeed first. And terrible. Marjorie is so awkward and keeps ducking her head and doing that weird hunchback thing she does. Analeigh gives the "best Cover Girl commercial in the history of America's Next Top Model". Damn, girl! Poor Joslyn is so over the top, flinging her arms around like she's about to take flight. Elina is really sort of blah: the director calls her performance "a closed fist." Sheena was natural and engaging, but McKey is "not good" when she opens her mouth. Heh. Called first is Analeigh, who is just so adorable, and Sheena is up second. The bottom two are Elina and Joslyn, and there's no way they're sending Joslyn home when she's this sick. Oh my GOD they ARE sending Joslyn home.

Next week: Amsterdam! How much do you want the camera to just follow Elina around, doing drugs and flirting with girls?

I know Elina is by far the better model of the two, but sending a sick Joslyn home just seems low. Especially when low-hanging fruit like Samantha and McKey are still hanging on...

E-mail

• Digg
• Facebook
• Fark
• Yahoo Buzz
• Stumbleupon