PremiereWatch: 'The Amazing Race'

As great as it was to have The Amazing Race back on Sunday (Sept. 28) night, the premiere left me remembering one simple truth: Amazing Race premieres need to be two hours, or they don't quite work.

Titled "Bees are Much Calmer than All This!," the hour-long premiere for the 13th installment of The Race had to introduce so many teams in so little time, that it was hard to get a feeling for anybody. And as difficult as it was to pick my favorites and the teams I was rooting again, getting a feel for the episode's primary international location (Salvador, Brazil) was even more futile and, worst of all, the requirements of the all-over-the-place editing left me without any sense of how we ended up with the results we got.

Since your worst week of The Amazing Race is pretty much better than your best week on 90 percent of the other reality shows out there, let's take a look at how things shook out...

[Spoilers coming... Let's just say it wasn't a non-elimination leg.]

Although there was minimal opportunity for quality audience/team bonding, The Amazing Race has developed a certain shorthand over the years, so that an awful lot of the teams seemed instantly ultra-familiar. There are the Annoyingly Chipper and Competitive Siblings (Nick & Starr), the Long-Distance Daters (Aja and Ty), the Just-Happy-To-Be-Alive-And-Competing Old Couple (Anita and Arthur), the Estranged Couple Hoping The Race Can Save Their Love (Ken and Tina), the Easily Underestimated Blondes (Marisa and Brooke), the Parent and Child Finally Spending Quality Time (Toni and Dallas), the New Couple That Isn't Well-Enough Acquainted To Be Doing This (Terence and Sarah) and the Established Couple Where the Woman Wants a Ring and The Man Isn't Sure (Anthony and Stephanie). Has any season ever passed without four or five of these archetypes on display? We've also seen previous iterations of the Fun-Loving Geeks (a la Andrew & Dan or Mark & Bill) and I doubt that Bouncing Back Divorcees Kelly and Christy are exactly sui generis.

Folks who have followed my recaps over the years know that there are three things I hate on Amazing Race: Non-Elimination legs, excessive equalizing and episodes where the tasks have nothing to do with the elimination. Sunday's episode suffered from the latter two flaws.

On the equalization front, the two teams rushed to the Los Angeles airport because there was a three-hour difference between two flights to Salvador. Then, once in Salvador, they struggled through a so-so task that required them to navigate a candy cart through some windy streets to a plaza. They put a lot of effort into those things only to be forced to bed down for the night and have their advantages or disadvantages cut down to no more than 45 minutes. I'm sure there are dramatic and logistical reasons why the producers prefer not to see one team stretch its leads out by hours or days, but I've never had a problem with dominance. I'd wager they care less about bunching teams up at the top and more about bunching the teams at the bottom so that the finishes are competitive, but I don't mind teams falling impossibly behind, because at least there's a reason for it.

My biggest qualm with Sunday's premiere is that the poor Hippie Beekeepers appear to have been eliminated simply because they were just a little bit slow. They didn't do anything wrong. They didn't make any incorrect choices. They didn't get stuck because of fear or ignorance or a stupid cab driver. They were just older than the other teams and thus didn't finish as fast. They appeared to be behind at nearly every point and so when they reached the mat last, my only reaction was a slightly disappointed shrug.

The problem, I think, was the Detour challenge, Hard Way Up or Soft Way Down. The 11 teams looked at their options -- either climbing down a cargo net from 240 feet or crawling up a set of steps and answering a mystery question -- and decided without hesitation to take the Soft Way Down.

And why wouldn't they? There was no physical aspect to it and even those contestants who professed to be scared of heights couldn't find anything to complain about once they were harnessed in and scurrying down. It looked like it was fun for them, but it wasn't great TV. The only catch was that you had to actually pay attention and read the clue, which tripped up Terence and Sarah (just as several teams had a minor gaffe early, ignoring the marked airline gate), but otherwise, you showed up, did the thing and jogged to the mat.

Since Soft Way Down was such a no-brainer option -- and the producers would probably tell you that with every Detour, the ideal outcome is an even split between the two tasks -- I wanted there to either be a massive advantage or a massive punishment for choosing Hard Way Up. I wanted that task to either be counter-intuitively easy, or intuitively time-crippling. Certainly it looked like the task was painful for Andrew and Dan and there would have been no reason for them to have counted the stairs as they were going up, but even after their original blunder and reboot, their position was virtually unaltered. To heck with that! Rewards and punishment. That's what I enjoy.

Also, I liked the Hippie Beekeepers and was disappointed to see them go.

Which teams do I think I hate?

Andrew & Dan: I'm pleased to see TV showing a different side of frat boys. Usually they're attractive model types who lure coeds into their basements for cult rituals and human sacrifice. Granted that that may be close to reality, but Andrew and Dan are probably more relatable. Thus far, Andrew hasn't done anything to annoy me. The same cannot be said for Dan, who lost me when he started lecturing the other teams on aviation protocol with, "This is the reality of the airline industry. I've worked in it." I had a summer internship at a law firm once, but that doesn't make me Denny Crane, Dan. Then, to make matters worse, he freaked out and started whining and rubbing his eyes when they, along with five other teams, ended up on a later flight. Shudder.

Terence & Sarah: She's a Type-A achiever. He's an athletic free-spirit. If this were an ABC sitcom, they might make it. In real life, they're doomed. I initially liked her because she at least learned Portuguese for their time in Brazil (rather than making the usual "They speak Spanish here, right?" faux pas) and disliked him for beginning every sentence with "I love you, but..." Then he criticized her for talking to people on other teams. Then he had to lecture Sarah on how she couldn't climb and talk at the same time (but he could). Really, she's just suffering for his sins at this point.

Anthony & Stephanie: "Hate" is too strong a word, but this is a dynamic I've never really liked before on The Race. Honey, he's just not that into you. Whatever that means.

Which teams do I think I like?

Mark & Bill: This is the sort of geeky team I can get behind. They seem to be problem solvers and they have a good sense of humor about themselves. They're absolutely my favorite.

Nick & Starr: Other than that she's a cutie, I'm not sure why I like them, but I get the feeling that they're going to be really tough to beat in this game. They're physically strong, goofily enthusiastic and I kind of admired the gumption they showed in instantly kissing up to Ken & Tina, calling them "Mom and Dad," unaware that "Dad" had been stepping out on "Mom" and is really really sorry. Oh and their botched fist-bump was classic.

There are fewer teams that I'm rooting for simply because Sunday's premiere was so rushed that it didn't offer much chance for anybody to do anything smart or intentionally funny. I think I could get behind Toni & Dallas and maybe, if I'm lucky, Marisa & Brooke will turn out to be this season's Kandice and Dustin. But probably not.

The Amazing Race always picks up once the field is thinned, so I'm looking forward to next Sunday's episode.

What'd y'all think of the premiere? Who do you like? Who do you hate?

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