Premierewatch: 'America's Next Top Model - Cycle 11'

Ladies. Gentlemen. Those, ah, in between. The time has come to be fierce. The time has come to be bitchy. The time has come for Tyra Mail. In short, the time has come for America's Next Top Model - Cycle Eleven. Last year, Tyra broke through barriers when she anointed a Woman of Size the greatest model in the land. And if the rumors are true, this year Tyra will shatter the gender barrier as well, so that there is only one handicap left to stop anyone from winning this competition: actual, you know, modeling ability.

LA! Land of Smog! (And of your humble recapper.) A busful - 33 - of semifinalists bumps and grinds, attempting to outdo each other with their Personalities. Les Jays appear! In, like, Barbarella wear. Ohhh, this is the "Top Model Institute of Technology" where the girls will be "built" into better models. They are dressed in wetsuits? Discarded Star Trek: The Next Generation costumes, perhaps? They take their primary shots and head to the runway to have their walks analyzed. Really, it's all very scientific. Or something. Now, the ladies are to step into the Glaminator 11.0, where their data will be entered. Wait, are they trying to prevent a repeat of last year's Plus-Sized Debacle by weighing the girls on their first day? Maybe this is turning into a REAL modeling competition! But no. System Overload! I wonder if Tyra's in there! Oh, girl. That is a way better wig than last year. Tyra would like to remind us that she is not, in fact, looking for America's Next Top Martian. Thanks for clearing that up, Ty.

Tyra, thank god, changes into what appears to be a Roland Mouret and the Jays are in, oh, hair-cutting smocks. Montage! The girls introduce themselves to the panel. You know the drill, and we've still got an hour and a half to go, so let's keep it moving, shall we? The first cut is made, bringing the number of finalists down to 20. The top 20 girls do their first photo shoot with Mr. Jay; however, they only have 5 minutes to do their own (Cover Girl!) makeup and get into their metallic catsuits. Yes, metallic catsuits. Tyrabot and the Jays examine the pictures and choose their top fourteen: Hannah, who grew up in Alaska without heat or electricity and has the most amazing legs I've ever seen; Sheena, from Harlem, a ghetto fabulous Sandra Oh who Tyra compares to Kimora Lee; Marjorie, clearly this season's Lauren, a quirky thing from Marseilles who can't walk right or talk right and will assuredly take amazing pictures; Elina, just as clearly this season's Claire, a bisexual vegan who refuses to wear gender-specific clothing and has a crush on....

Clark, who thinks she comes across Southern Belle but really comes across Heinous Bitch, who Tyra feels needs to "ugly up her pretty" a bit; Samantha, dumb as a post, who will last three episodes before she is dismissed as being too Victoria's Secret, mark my words; Joslyn, who has tried out three times per cycle and finally made the cut; Lauren Brie, gorgeous, ethereal, Lily Cole-like with those offputtingly doll-like eyes; Nikeysha, notable only for the fact that she looks more like a transsexual than...Isis, an actual transsexual, the girl who upstaged that horrible Allison in that genuinely offensive homeless-themed shoot from Cycle 10; Brittany 1, half African-American, half Native-American and half Jaslene; Brittany 2, a trained MMA fighter with a horrible mop of bright red hair hiding her porcelain features and perfect pout; Brittney 3, bubbly, closed-minded and a little like Atalya from Cycle 10, who hides her lucky panties in her hand while strutting down the runway; and finally, Analeigh, who was nearly sold to a Saudi prince and is pretty much the most perfect human being I've ever seen.

Whitney's life as a Cover Girl! She's as fabulous an actress as ever she was! And she hasn't lost any weight. Think it's contractual?

Et voila, welcome to the second hour of our proceedings. The girls are driven through LA (really, really strangely, somehow traveling from Hollywood to Santa Monica and back again) as the girls discuss their excitement and fears. The fourteen girls reunite on a rooftop and the Brittanys reveal that Tyra has required two of them to change their names. From now on, MMA fighting Brittany will be called McKey (what?) and bubbly Brittney will be called Sharaun (seriously, what?)  Les Jays herd the models on to a decked-out, eco-friendly, Tyra-emblazoned bus and shuttle them to genuinely gorgeous home. And, unlike last year, it appears that everyone gets her own bed! Elina must be so disappointed. The girls pepper Isis with questions about her transition, and she handles it gracefully, but the a few of the girls (Clark, you bitch) are weirded out when she gets in the pool. Isis and McKey immediately hit it off, however, and McKey continues her MMA training in the backyard.

OMFG, you guys, Tyra Effing Mail. WHEN will they make the models stop reciting the Tyra Mails? It gives me a headache. At least this year the words stay in one place. Tomorrow the girls will be getting intimate in under a minute (Elina cackles and rubs her hands together) and it will be...magical. I want lingerie and fairy wings and I want them NOW! Oh, no, they're going to the Magic Castle. Ed Alonzo, the Misfit of Magic, brings out NigelBarkerNotedFashionPhotographer, Paulina and the Jays. The judges are hidden around the castle, and the girls have to find them. Sharaun introduces herself to the judges as "America's Next Top Model". Paulina asks McKey how she would react if a photographer came on to her, and you know how exactly how McKey would respond to that. Oh! The earliest known incidence of "smile with your eyes" in Top Model history!! This is all so exciting. Nigel can't put his finger on what is so unusual about Isis. Heh.

Back at the ranch, a huge giftwrapped box contains "model basics" like black pumps, skinny jeans and little black dresses for each other the girls. Sheena attempts to boost Marjorie's confidence before they are interrupted by Tyra Mail! Again! All together now: "fashion isn't the only way to make a statement." Oh, they are so totes Modeling the Vote. They are! The girls will be registering to vote - the ones who aren't registered already - and the girls will be doing a shoot to bring out the younger voters. Marjorie takes on Immigration and is really editorial with it. The military is represnted by Brittany, who goes a little skanky with it. Clark doesn't know what "bureaucracy" is, and poses stiffly with red tape. Heh. Red tape. McKey represents the environment and really doesn't know how to pose at all but my god, those bones. Hannah cleans up real good, repping nuclear power. Elina really knows how to model in her foreign policy-themed shoot. Isis gets privacy as her theme and Sharaun, an "extra" in her shoot start stalking crap about her behind her back; however, Isis can work a camera. Mr. Jay warns Sheena about her tendency to go hoochie with her posing and yells out "hooch!" every time she does it, which is kind of awesome, and something I will be trying out at the office tomorrow. Joslyn is "almost Tyra-Banks-hot" in her little unemployment booth, and Analeigh's health-care-themed shoot is striking, but she has a tendency to lose her neck. Sharaun complains the wind machine and the ballots that were not a problem in anyone else's photo shoot. Samantha comes across really 80's...I can't tell if it's the styling or the marks she hits. Lauren Brie can't smile with her eyes. Nikeysha gets to double up in her cloning shoot, but only gives good variety in her body, not in her face.

Whitney continues to be a Cover Girl! Oh, come on, guys, don't make a D-cup run in slow motion. That's unfair. I want to hand the girl a jogbra.

At panel, there are prizes and judges and stuff. Marjorie's nerves are already grating on Nigel's, but she took great pictures and knows how to use her body. (She looks like someone, and I can't figure out who, and it's driving me nuts. Embeth Davidtz? Is it Embeth Davidtz? Help me out here.) Sharaun needs to pull her legs together and can't find the light and didn't get the point of the shoot. Clark is really hampered by her inability to understand the meaning of the word "bureaucracy." Elina's photo is so gorgeous, but needs a tad more neck. Nikeysha has lost a little confidence, doesn't know how to model with her body, and is making a lot of excuses. Samantha is so Valley Girl in person, and so 80s supermodel in her pictures. Joslyn is overaccessorized at panel, but utterly fierce - ooh, with accompanying Benny Ninja-style-finger-wave - in her photo.

Analeigh's picture is pretty amateurish, but Paulina and Nigel disagree as to why. Brittany is awfully squinty in her picture, but Tyra seems to like it, so ok. Hannah is so charming in person and so clueless as a model, but she really has a lot of potential. Sheena is hiding behind the curtain in her photo, and it's darling, and her face just loves the camera. McKey looks amazing in her boxer-stanced shoot. Lauren Brie looks frightened by education, which was her theme. Oooh, she needs ugly pretty face! Isis' hair looks really bad at panel, and her photo is perfect - there's a story there, her eyes are wide open, her physicality is flawless. Marjorie's name is called first. The bottom two girls are Nikeysha and Sharaun, and Sharaun's innate bitchiness gets her sent home. She collapses, and the other girls come hug her, which she really doesn't deserve.

Well, my little mannequins, what say you? I already have pretty intense crushes on Analeigh and Elina, and I really respect the way the show is presenting Isis' transition with dignity without shying away from the different reactions she inspires in the other models just by existing. Thoughts?

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