'The Hills': Lo's smack down

It didn't exactly "happen last night," but Zap 2 It has decided to start covering The Hills, so I am here to bring you a recap of last week's season 4 premiere, "We'll Never Be Friends." Keep reading to find out what is up with your favorite vacuous blondes (and Audrina!) from California.

I haven't seen this episode yet, but I sincerely hope the title of the episode is from a dramatic Spike-esque speech. "We're not friends! We'll never be friends! We'll be in love 'til it kills us both. We'll fight, and we'll shag, and we'll hate each other 'til it makes us quiver, but we'll never be friends."  Mmmm, Spike. Anyway...

We get a recap of last season, showing Whitney and Lauren getting "styling" jobs. Heidi went to Vegas for work and Spencer ran off with his flesh-colored beard to bring her back. Lauren, Lo and Audrina got a house together, but Lo and Audrina were seriously fighting.

As the episode begins, Lauren tells Whitney at work that they are throwing a party for Audrina's birthday this week and that she has a date tonight with a guy from high school (but not her high school). His name is Doug and Whitney giggles. It's okay, Whitney. Doug IS a funny name. It sounds like Doug is going to be Lauren's slumpbuster. You go, girl!

As some hip dance song that I'm sure all the kids are listening to plays, Heidi tells Kimberly (an event coordinator) that her little sister Holly is coming into town. Spencer doesn't know Holly's coming and Holly doesn't know Spencer and Heidi are back together. OMG! But how will you convince Mr. Roper that Spencer is gay?!?

Audrina is at work, talking to Chiara, a co-worker. Audrina invites her to their pool party/BBQ birthday bash. Chiara is surprised Lauren is throwing Audrina a pool party. Audrina says Lo is "super bitchy," but perhaps she and Lauren can smooth things over with the pool party. Here's hoping! Fingers crossed!

Heidi arrives home to find Holly and Spencer in the living room. All together now, let's do our best Logan Echolls: "Awk-ward." Spencer flounces off and Heidi goes to check on him. Spence puts on his shiniest Passive-Aggressive Pants and says it's too late to do anything now. She says "be nice" and he says, "that's my middle name." Snort. I'd counter with there is no way it's a coincidence that a British slang term for a douchebag is "pratt."

Lo and Lauren talk as Lauren gets ready for her date and Lo pulls a great bitch-face at the mention of Audrina. Doug shows up and he's pretty cute. Nice going, Lauren! They seem to be reaching for something to talk about, until Lauren brings up how she used to drive by his house and call him to come outside. That's a good first date thing! Remind him of how you used to stalk him, Crazypants. Does he have a bunny you can boil?

At the restaurant, Lauren orders a Fuzzy Dragon and Doug gets a beer. She Cosmos that your drink says a lot about you and beer means that he's a guy's guy. How astute. Lauren then invites him to the pool party and at the mention of Audrina being one of her best friends, the music gets all spooky and foreshadowy. Does Doug come to the pool party and hook up with Audrina?!?!  I HOPE SO!

The next day, Heidi and Holly made breakfast for Spencer. Spencer snots, "That would be a pass." and Heidi takes him to task for being rude and they snipe at each other and it's delightful. Spencer then goes back to bed. All that passive-aggressiving must be exhausting!

At Audrina's birthday party, lots of cool peeps arrive, including Doug the Date. He is the grill master for the party. Lo is hiding in the kitchen and Audrina comes in to tell them she invited basically a bunch of strangers and Lo bitch-faces something at her. Lo really needs to step up her sarcasm game, she's terrible at it.

Heidi and Holly are at the salon, Holly keeping her roots shiny platinum. Holly is worried because Heidi hasn't really been hanging out with Lauren, largely due to Spencer. Aww.

At the party, some biker dude arrives for Audrina and Lauren hangs with Doug. Lauren then asks Lo what she's been doing and Lo says she was upstairs playing with the dog. Lauren says they need to make an effort with Audrina's friends, but Lo says she is making an effort and it is not reciprocated by Audrina. She says she's done with Audrina. Outside, there are pool shenanigans and Lauren talks to Doug the Date's friend. He's playing therapist, but looks weirdly like he's reading off a nearby cue card. Snerk.

As Holly is leaving, the sisters lament that they don't see each other enough and Holly basically invites herself to move out there and stay with Heidi and Spencer while she finds a place. As Holly says thanks for having her that weekend to Spencer, he snots, "My pleasure." As soon as she drives away, Spencer goes ape-crap about the prospect of Holly staying there. Okay, I don't love Heidi, but seriously... she can do so much better than this tool.

At People's Revolution, Whitney asks Lauren how the BBQ went and Lauren says Lo basically wasn't there. Lauren feels very torn between her two friends. She also tells Whitney that Doug kind of got ignored at the pool party. She hopes Lo and Audrina can talk about stuff.

Lo and behold (see what I did there?), Lo goes over to Audrina's and fakes that the party was "fun." She gives this fakey apology about being absent at the party and says that Audrina doesn't try with her at all. Audrina says Lo puts her on the outside and they don't click. Audrina just doesn't care about trying anymore and Lo says part of her really wants to be friends. Listening to these two talk about their "problems" is making blood trickle out my nose.

Audrina says she has friends who treat her good but Lo doesn't do that. Lo tries to say something and Audrina butts in with, "I just don't care. We'll never be friends." Lo leaves. Wow. Harsh, Audrina. Also: awesome! It's no Spike speech, but it wasn't bad.

Tune in Monday night for the next installment of The Hills. Like, awesome!

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