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'America's Got Talent': Skanky dance groups. Bah.
What have we done to deserve two America's Got Talents in one week, fair readers? It's like Christmas, my birthday and Halloween rolled into one! There were quite a few acts I remember liking in the first rounds that we did not see on Tuesday night, so I'm hoping that we see them tonight. I am thinking particularly of Next II None (boy band), Southern Belles (four cloggers), Cadence (the Stomp group) and The James Gang (Newsy-looking fellows from Harlem). I hope these acts are still around.
There's an opening montage of tears. Yeah! Bring on the crying and wailing and gnashing of teeth! We spend five minutes listening to the judges talk in pronouns about the remaining contestants without revealing anything to us. Get on with it! The acts are going to face the judges one by one and 20 of the 60 remaining will be cut. It's like a 90-minute version of making the Idols ride the elevator to the room of elation or doom.
Joseph the Elvis is our first act. I have to say, as far as impersonators go, he does his own singing and that goes miles for me. Impersonators who lip sync are lame. The judges tell him to invest in voice lessons and then tell him that he's through to the semi-finals. YAY! I like him, I think he's decent. Also, eye-candy for me. What can I say? He's hunky.
Brian and Kyle the R&B singers are next. I think they should have to leg wrestle for it, but unfortunately that is not what happens. Kyle has a better sob-story, with his single mom being all proud of him. Brian used to be a Chippendale dancer, which is nice and all, but not exactly sentimental. The decision is that Brian is through to the semis and he quotes the immortal Clarkson when he says, "I've waited my whole life for a moment like this." Unfortunately for Kyle, this means he is going home. Bummer. (I must apologize. Last episode I had brian and Kyle confused. Brian used to be a Chippendale dancer, Kyle is the sob-story. I regret the error.)
Up now are Nuttin' but Stringz. These guys rule, there is NO reason not to include them. They are original and entertaining. If they get through, I demand a week of "The Devil Went Down to Georgia." Piers says they were better with an audience, which is probably true of MOST of the performers. Duh. But in the end, they think they are strong enough to continue. YAY!
Montage o' Yesses include George the nose-milk-drinking-guy, Russian Bar Performers (YAY!), THE JAMES GANG! (YAY!!! I was so afraid they were gone!), the Tina Turner (boooo. He is one-note. Do your own singing, dude.), the Von Trapp Family Singers (or whatever they were called), a guy who does a pretty horrible DeNiro (lame), a Children's Trio that appears to do country (maybe?), the "Walkin' in Memphis" piano player guy whose name I forget but he was awesome (YAY!), and Ron, the weirdo dancer guy who stripped to "All Night Long" and did not impress me the first time around (what are the judges thinking?!?).
Indigo is up next, the terrible Rumania/Romania/Ukrainian twin sisters who dress like $5 hookers and can't sing their way out of a paper bag. Seriously, what are they doing here? I am a better singerthan they are when I have bronchitis. They are through! WHAT THE [REDACTED]?!? That REALLY bothers me. Mia got sent home and Indigo stays? What kind of crack are the judges smoking? Because I might need some if I have to listen to INDIGO SING AGAIN!
Paul the Sintra impersonator is up next. At least he does his own singing, I hope he goes through. He's like my adorable grandpa or something, you can't cut him! They tell him that he's through, yay! He's so excited, it's so cute.
We go from oldest to youngest and they bring out Caitlin the 4 year-old. Ya know, I know she's not good enough, but my god... I'd watch her sing to me every freakin' week. She can come sing to me and I'll cuddle her and die from the cuteness of it all. Sharon asks her "how are you?" and she responds, "Very well, thank you." OH MY GOD IN HEAVEN. And she's through to the semi-finals and I can't even be mad. I love this little girl, I want 4 just like her!
Daniel the Iraq Vet is up next. I have to say, he has a great story and there is NO group of people I have bigger respect for than our men and women of the armed forces. But he kind of screwed up his second audition and doesn't get a pass just because he wears a uniform. We'll have to see what the judges think. They send him through, so that's nice. "Hero" by Mariah Carey kicks up and I barf in my mouth a little. Seriously, I hate that song. But good for Daniel.
Montage o' Yesses includes the Cute Magician from last night, Flambeaux, the Street-Fighting 11 year-old girl (FINISH HIM!), Chiquita the Opera Singing Drag Queen, Cadence (YAY!), Sarah the Carrie Underwood girl, Bruce the magician, and the weird Tromobone-Striptease-Dancer guy (huh).
Queen Emily is next and they kind of fake her out a little, which is just mean. She's a mess. She's, like, bawling already. And of course she's through. Mean, David Hasselhoff! MEAN! Queen Emily is a big lady, her heart can't take this. If she starts clasping at her chest and yelling, "I'm comin' for ya, Elizabeth!" I am going to be very upset.
Next is Jonathan the Baton Twirler. Poor kid just wants to wear sparkly shirts and twirl a flaming baton! Kids are mean. I hope he's through. And then he is! YAY!
Man, this 90-minutes of the American Idol schtick is really getting old. Lordy lordy. Thank god for Leinenkugel's.
Jessica the Steel-town Girl on a Saturday Night is up next. She just wants her father's approval. Thank god her name is Jessica and not Amber or Shauna. It's the only thing that's kept her off the pole. She says she was terribly nervous in her second audition and Sharon worries she can't cope with the pressure. Then Sharon tells her she's through to the semi-finals and she starts great heaving sobs. Awww. Even my black heart is warmed by poor factory-worker Jessica. The Hoff wipes away a tear in solidarity. He loves me.
Dan the Sword Swallower is up next. He's pretty cringe-worthy, but that's what Vegas IS. Aww, Dan is eliminated! That's a bummer. I can't believe they kept the milk-nose-drinker and let the sword-swallower go. This kicks off a Montage o' Nos and they eliminate Southern Belles (NOOOOO! WHAT THE HELL? IF THEY KEPT ANY OF THOSE CHEERLEADER GROUPS I WILL LOSE IT!), a Keyboard Player Guy (who?), Holly the middle-aged woman who found her kid on MySpace (meh), Sparks Shooter Girl (yeah, meh), David the Austistic Boy (aww. It sucks to make him cry.), and the Salsa-Dancing Siblings (bummer, they were good).
Next up is Lil' Countrie and Page 1ne from New Orleans. They are break-dancing/street-dancing guys. They are the Hurricane Katrina story. The judges toy with them a little, but then tell them they are not through. Wow, that surprises me. Huh. Again, if I see the Dallas Desperad-hos or the Texas State Strumpets go through, I am going to barf.
Derek the Britney Impersonator is next. Well, they've kept all of the other 4 impersonators, so I don't like Derek's chances. Also, he doesn't do his own singing! (Can you tell that really bothers me?) I do want to know how he gets his abs to look like that, though. Dayum. Derek is through to the next round. The Hoff has a terrible poker face, I can totally see it coming. The background music kicks up with the Britney song where Stephen Dorff kills her in the bathtub. Snerk.
Xclusive, the dancer who did the cool robot noises performance and then his second audition was to the "Inspector Gadget" music, is next. Damn, why couldn't we see that Tuesday night?!?! I love that song! He better make it through. Ooooh, he doesn't! Weak! Dammit! This show is being mean to me tonight. Why haven't we seen Next II None yet? Hmm.
Donald the Car-Accident Victim is next. I don't actually love his voice, so I won't be terribly sad if he's cut, but I really can't see it. He's such a sob-story, they gotta keep milking it. Hoff looks like he's hiding a smile, so Donald's through, I'm sure of it. And then he's cut! NO WAY! I am SO surprised. The judges tell him he was their hardest decision, which I'm sure makes him feel SO much better. I was sure he was through. Wow.
The ZOOperstars, the blow-ups who dance around, is up now. I thought they were surprisingly funny, I hope they are through. One of them falls up the stairs, which is pretty funny. They are through and kick off a Montage o Yesses with Stripping Convict Skanks (gross), a great Female Tap Dancing group (awesome), the Dallas Desperad-Hos (BOOOOO), a Break-Dancing Team that I recognize but can't pull the name oout of my head just now, and the Tap Dancing Dads (YAY!), the Texas State Strumpets (I think. BOOOO), and the Brokeback Dancers (YAY!).
The last dancing spot is for either the Sterling Silver Cloggers or the Beyond Belief Dance Team. The Beyond Belief Dance Team still looks like a bunch of street-walkers. I really wish we could've had the Southern Belles instead of the Stripping Convicts or the Desperad-Hos or the Strumpets. That sucks. The Sterling Silver Cloggers don't make it and Beyond Belief does. That is CRAP. Those clogging groups were GOOD. LAME, show. LAME!
The last two acts are down to Neal and Michael, the big guy opera singers. I honestly don't think either one is THAT good, so I really don't care who they keep. I'm actually more concerned about getting these guys on the Subway diet. Seriously, their hearts cannot be in good shape. Neal's initial audition was very impressive, but his Italian "Unchained Melody" was not. However, Michael sang a West Side Story song, which wasn't anything to write home about either. Meh. Just tell us who is staying. Please let the Victory Background Music be "This is the Moment" from The Hoff's version of Jekyll & Hyde. That would be AWESOME.
The judges keep both of them. What a fake out. By my count, that's 39 acts and I pay pretty close attention. That means there is one they didn't show? Which one? WHICH ONE, HASSELHOFF? If somebody can enlighten me in the comments, that'd be awesome.
In the last two minutes, we learn that the Russian Bar Act had an injury to Christine, the jumper, forcing them to withdraw (NOOOOO!). We get to pick from the Wild Cards, which are Car Accident Donald, Victoria the Contortionist, Junior and Emily the Salsa Siblings, Lil' Countrie and Page 1ne, Dan the Sword Swallower, Miss Pussykatt the Sparks Girl, Kyle Rifkin the R&B Singer, and Xclusive.
Wow, that's hard. Go Victoria, Lil' Countrie and Page 1ne and Xclusive!
See you back here after the Olympics!
I vote for Donald the car accident victim!
Norma Birkhead-Perez | Aug 7, 2008 8:24:19 PM | #You have lost a household of viewers here with your unconcionable decision to drop Mr.Rifken and Donald the car salesman because "there were so many other good singers in their catagory".
WHO GIVES A DAMN !!!!!
It's supposed to be a TALENT
contest.
Why would you remotley send many FAR LESS TALENTED non-singing preformers to L.A.??
My family refuses to witness any more of these injustices.
FORMER VIEWERS,
The McLellan Family
ely
Doug McLellan | Aug 7, 2008 8:49:33 PM | #Very good recap, and I agree with many of comments. I'd like to see Xclusive go through to the semifinals; I loved his first audition and, like you, wish they had shown his second one.
I also agree with your opinion of Mariah Carey's "Hero" song; I can't stand that song either. In fact, I can't stand her! All she does is scream through most of her songs. Very hard on my ears.
Laurie | Aug 8, 2008 2:53:19 AM | #Oh great, we get to see Neal blubber around again. That dude needs to man-up and stop shoving food down his throat.
TV Fan | Aug 8, 2008 6:00:08 AM | #I'm trying to figure out if I actually watch the show last night or was it just a bad nightmare.
Scott | Aug 8, 2008 6:04:39 AM | #does anyone know if Wally Eastwood got through? thanks!
kovacsfan | Aug 8, 2008 6:39:33 AM | #Like some of you, XClusive being cut boggles the mind. In my mind, he was the Terry Fator of this season... totally different than the typical singers, line dancers, etc, creative, original, and would bring something new to the table every week.
At least the public can hopefully get him back on the show.
Also, if you want to see the "Inspector Gadget" routine, he has a video of himself doing it on youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzMns-XXvBY
Vote Xclusive!
Dave C | Aug 8, 2008 7:08:14 AM | #I agree with TV fan. Neal is extremely Fat.
# 1 Fan | Aug 8, 2008 7:30:59 AM | #Okay, Okay, so Caitlin is cute. Just put her in a cereal commercial and send more talented people to LA like Don the car saleman.
If I have to witness another episode of Queen blubbering about how this is her only chance at a life, I think I will vomit. She is obviously not tough enough for show business which may be the real reason she has not succeeded before now.
I know it's not politically correct to criticize overweight people but Neal and Michael should lose some weight if for no other reason than it would be better for their hearts.
I think the impersonators should all get together and create their own show but each alone is not enough for a 90 minute venue.
I guess The Ozzy Oboourne impersoanator that everyone liked so much, especially Sharon didn't make it? He didn't make it, but that weird guy Ronny (I think that's his name) makes it?
Lisa | Aug 8, 2008 9:06:34 AM | #Are you kidding me with the 4 year old? She sings like...a 4 year old. So I should give her a million dollars for that? These judges have lost their minds this year.
Julie | Aug 8, 2008 9:52:56 AM | #You guys disgust me with you weight comments. What are you, Americas Got Talent local Style critics? Shame on you, I personally know Neal and he has Noonans Syndrome. DO you the research you inglorious people.
Cory | Aug 8, 2008 10:27:22 AM | #Well, I LOVE the 4-year-old. How many kids that age, and older, can carry a tune? This little cutie has near perfect pitch!
For the wild card, I hope the Salsa dancers get through.
What the heck is wrong with these judges??
Bad Deniro impersonator? (i could do that)
Scary-looking-buff-Tina-Turner-dude (c'mon, tina would be rolling in her grave if she were dead! And this just might do it!)
INDIGO (WTF!?! They absolutely SUCK!!! ... and they probably do so for only a couple rubles back home)
Geeky all-nite-long stripper dude (ru kidding me?)
ZOOperstars (take them back to the county fair)
Stripping Convict Skanks, Dallas Desperad-Hos, Texas State Strumpets (what's the point?)
-------------
So, lemme get this.... this is supposed to ba a family show, right? 15% of the 40 are either transvestite acts or strippers (as is "grinder girl" one of the call-in nominees) Nice, ABC!
Kyle Rifkin is a favorite of mine. When he sang, "Ain't too proud to beg" on the first night, he was great as a Temptations cover. He should have stuck with covering Temptations songs. Hope he gets enough votes.
Mel Young | Aug 8, 2008 11:10:11 AM | #Actually, Todd, the show airs on NBC, but I agree with you about the amount of the transvestite/stripper acts. I thought many of them were not worthy of getting into the semifinals. And I also agree with many of the others that the 4-year-old should not have gotten through, either, even though she is cute and can sing on key. She is WAY too young. If she enjoys singing, fine, let her sing but not professionally. I think she won't win, though, because of her age.
And Mike, I agree with your comments about Queen; she needs to develop some backbone and a tougher attitude, or this business will kill her.
Laurie | Aug 8, 2008 11:12:39 AM | #Yes, America's got talent, but the judges got mush for brains.
Letting a "he/she BRATney lip-syncher" stay when they get rid of real talent that deserves to be there is not right at all.
He/she would do better as a guest on Jerry Springer rather than AGT.
And please, please, please - don't let D.H. sing again like he did last season.
Joe Merlin | Aug 8, 2008 11:39:05 AM | #Let me see if I have this right. They put through a dance group that is from a trailor park, and the pass on the two classy looking clogging act. By the way, Neal needs to be on the "Biggest Loser" instead of this show. He is Fat with a capital F.
Scott | Aug 8, 2008 1:05:55 PM | #What would the brits do if they had 3 American judges deciding British talent on Britains Got Talent show.
I think having two Brits and a German judge our American talent sucks.
I think the singing talent on the show this season is outstanding and makes Nashville Star and American Idol finalists appear to be tone deaf.
I happy to see the 19 year old country singer Sarah Lenore and the 24 year old factory worker Jessica Price go on to the semi-finals were
the voting public can judge.
I can't stand when these mentally challenged foreign judges eliminate good talent over some cross dressing freak-a-soid circus acts.
Simon Cowell, the producer, must be raking in the big bucks with this show and American Idol.
I agree that the two big male opera singers should try out for the Biggest Losers weight show next.
smartalec44 | Aug 8, 2008 1:42:36 PM | #When Chiquita was before the judges, I was explaining to my mother that when a person is in drag he or she is that sex. When Chiquita got backstage, she whipped off her wig to cheer, so I guess he was happy.
Ten votes per email address. Let's go for Victoria, the breakdancers and Xclusive!
Geez, you guys are heartless bastards. Why all the weight comments? It must be nice to be able to post on here without the threat of being banned huh? Just look in a mirror, probably somebody in pain that needs to be judgemental to make yourself feel better. Congrats
Cory | Aug 8, 2008 4:36:43 PM | #The Indigo twins are from Romania, not Ukraine (two COMPLETELY DIFFERENT countries). They suck here too, but they think they have the greatest voices ever. Oh my, what a couple of lame, pathetic girls!
Kristina | Aug 26, 2008 1:44:08 PM | #I don't get why they put through acts that arn't even good! and I think that you people that are making fun of neal should shutup! atleast your not fat (you should think about that!!)
Anna | Aug 28, 2008 4:25:26 PM | #Sorry but that 4 year old sings like a 4 year old, shes nothing special, and she isn't even THAT cute. Look through youtube for 4 year old singers, and there are tons that can blow her away. And all 4 year olds are cute.
The Indiggo girls have a failed album in Germany already, that was produced by Dieter Boland(Germany's Simon Cowell and a judge on their version of AI). So I say boot em.
If Neal, Don, and Michael's voices dont impress you, whose does??!! Dont tell me Jessica. She's okay, but she's never make the top ten on American Idol. Not even close.
zoe | Sep 1, 2008 10:35:50 AM | #Queen Emily is not an amatuer. She has been a professional singer. If she fools people into thinking that she is a new, fresh talent and makes it to the top....more power to her. I now see that she is really an Actor.
1singer | Sep 1, 2008 7:41:38 PM | #
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