'The Bachelorette': DeAnna takes a J-man

Thank you for letting me bring you your weekly The Bachelorette recappings. I haven't watched a single episode of this season, so this oughta be fun. I do know we have DeAnna, a Greek temptress, deciding between one dashing-31-year-old-Account-Executive-with-a-kid named Jason and one scruffy-26-year-old-driftwood-figurine-carver named Jesse. (Turns out Jesse is a "professional snowboarder," so I wasn't that far off.) Which one will DeAnna choose? How will her family like them? Do we really have two hours of this plus a reunion show? I hear nothing but rain, so grab your gun and bring in the cat!

Disclaimer: Iowa is in the midst of yet another really bad storm (I'm fairly sure next come the locusts. And then zombies) and I am watching The Bachelorette on a Sharp Linytron Plus with rabbit ears that only gets NBC and ABC (suck it, CBS!) and was manufactured before I was. So if I suddenly comment about Deanna and Jesse riding a camel when it was in fact just a distorted tandem bicycle or something, that is the reason.

We intro with a lot of schmoopy declarations from the men. How long does this show take to film? A month or so? And she's your soulmate? Mark me down as skeptical. I do not deny that the heightened competive and romantic atmosphere makes you do the wacky, but still. We relive Deanna meeting Jason's family and 3 year-old son Ty. Jason thanks DeAnna for letting him know he can fall in love again. Boy, is that sucky if he doesn't win. Jesse says he is a "lanky, white snowboarder." As opposed to all the beefy African-American men you see on the slopes. Jesse looks sort-of like Bizarro Hippie Mick St. John from Moonlight.

We start in Georgia where the Bachelors get to meet DeAnna's family. DeAnna can't stop talking about Brad, who I assume is the Bachelor who didn't pick Deanna. She sounds like she's still hung up on him a little. Hmmm. Jason appears to bring DeAnna flowers and her family an Easter basket. Thoughtful. They grill him a little but it's not bad. DeAnna's dad is leery of Jason having a son, which would give Deanna an instant family. Chrissy, the sister, takes him off alone but sadly it is not to put the moves on him. Boy, would that make for a spicy Bachelorette finale! Chrissy does give him some pretty good questions, way to go sister! Jason seems to impress the family and asks her dad permission to propose, which the dad obviously likes.

Weather Alert interruption.

When we come back, the family is debriefing with DeAnna and they seem to have loved Jason, but now it is Jesse's turn. Jesse has a talking head where he uses the word "rad" and immediately loses any rooting interest I had for him. The dad wants to hear about snowboarding and how he'll make a living when he's old. Jesse looks nerrrrrvous. They go off alone and the dad roughs him up a little. Just kidding, but he's a little harsher on Jesse than he was on Jason. He definitely doesn't make quite the impression.

DeAnna says she feels safe with Jason but she wants her family to love whomever she chooses. Her dad remarks that they both said they are falling in love with her, but that Jason said in a way that really made him believe it.

Weather Alert interruption.

We come back to Jesse meeting her grandparents. He seems a little more relaxed today, which is good. Then the doorbell rings and Jason is there. Yikes. Jesse is immediately intimidated. Dad's first question is for each guy to outline his pros and cons, which is immediately interrupted by a...

Weather Alert.

Back on the show, Jason appears to be kissing up to DeAnna's grandparents. He tells them his intention is to marry DeAnna. Grandma calls Jason a "very nice fellow." Heh heh. Grandmas rule. Jesse tells the sister and sister-in-law that he has cried over DeAnna, which melts them. He then asks her dad if he can propose and the dad is a little hesitant with Jesse. He kind of dances around giving his permission, but he eventually says yes. Not quite the ringing endorsement Jason got.

Next up is... shots? Wow. My family is so boring. The boys leave and DeAnna debriefs with the sisters. One thinks Jason is better because he's more experienced, whereas the other thinks DeAnna might not be ready for settled-with-a-kid. Good talk, girls.

Okay, the Vitamin Water commercial that ends, "She kinda makes a man wanna be a miniature horse." made me laugh out loud.  Well done, Vitamin Water.

Back in the Bahamas, the most-recent jilted Bachelor Jeremy is back to talk to DeAnna. Yikes. He tells her she's making a mistake and confesses his feelings, she cries and says that he's not in her heart. Awww. That sucks. She does seem to say, "I'm full of two other people," which I may have misheard, but if not... heh heh, it's nice when I don't even have to make the jokes. DeAnna tells him she's not in love and sends him on his way. Poor Jeremy. He seems legitimately broken up and even if it's a fleeting thing because of the heightened situation, rejection still blows.

Weather Alert.

Today is Jesse's date with DeAnna. They go up in a prop plane and fly to an island. Jesse does the awesome thing of putting his hand on her face/neck when he kisses her. Well done, Jesse. Makes up for the use of "rad." He then gives DeAnna a "book of thoughts." The exact opposite of on Charmed. He tells her he loves her and she doesn't say it back, but that's fair. Jesse interviews that he is scared out of his mind that she won't choose him. Awww.

The next day DeAnna and Jason go scuba diving with sharks. Cool. This was no boating accident! Jason remarks that he loves all the crazy stuff DeAnna takes him to do. Uh, he realizes he's on a reality show where producers set up cool stuff for them to do, right? Not every day with DeAnna is going to be nonstop ABC-financed activities. Jason's version of a "book of thoughts" is a board game that he made himself. Pshaw. I made a Greek version of Clue for a class once. He confesses his love. She doesn't say it back, but she interviews that she's in love with both of them.

We get a recap montage of DeAnna with the guys. Blahblah romance blahblah laughter blahblah smoochies. She says she knows who she is picking and she hopes he feels the same way. The boys go pick out engagement rings. I honestly think it's going to be Jason, but I really can't tell. Both guys cry in the limo on the way over. Awww, this is killin' me! Poor Guy-Who-Isn't-Chosen!

The first guy to arrive is Jason, but that could be a fake-out. Jason goes to get down on one knee and DeAnna says, "No, I can't." OH MY GOD! Harsh. Also, I did not see that coming. Poor guy. Is he tall? I'm single, Jason! Okay, this is getting a little melodramatic. It's like something out of Guiding Light. She sends Jason on his way. I wish he wasn't such a grown-up about this. How awesome would it have been if he just chucked the ring in the ocean and stormed off? So awesome. Jason does cry a little in the limo. He'd make a great next Bachelor, he's a cutie.

Jesse arrives and unless we're in for an "I choose me" moment, I think he's the winner. He is super-nervous, which is cute since we know the outcome. He gives a very heartfelt speech and then proposes. She says yes and they smooch and the camera pulls away and the music swells. Awwww. She says, "I love you" and they smooch some more. He gets his rose and then we get a Montage o' Romance of their time on the show.

Stay tuned for the Reunion Show! Bur first:  Weather Alert! Haha.

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