'Greatest American Dog': Flying away on a wing and a prayer...

Dear CBS: When I said that Greatest American Dog was the greatest reality show of all time, I WAS BEING SARCASTIC. That should have been clear when I compared it to Age of Love. Replace "greatest" with "most ridiculous," and you're in the ballpark. Since I'm apparently being quoted in ads, I felt the need to clarify. That said, "most ridiculous" is still entertaining, a lot of you folks seem to be into the show, and I love dogs. So I'm just going to sit back and enjoy the ridiculous ride!

Let's first take a moment to appreciate the title of tonight's installment: "He's a Farter, Not a Fighter." Art, people. This is ART. (Note to CBS: That was sarcasm. This is not art. Please don't quote me.) The title, we quickly learn, refers to Tillman. He and Elvis get into a bit of a fight, and Tillman gets bit in the eye. Much blame is thrown around as to who started the fight, whether David was near enough to stop it, etc., and David blows it off and heads back out to the doghouse with Elvis to spend the night, even though he doesn't have to stay there anymore.

The next morning, unfortunately, the drama is still ongoing. Ron even suggests moving David's bed into the living room so that Elvis won't be staying in the same room as Tillman now that they're out of the doghouse. Dude, it was a two-second scuffle, and Elvis is less than half Tillman's size. Plus, Tillman can escape on a skateboard if need be. Chill out!

Dog Bone Challenge: "Doggie Boot Camp."  Dogs have to follow a series of commands, and are eliminated when they fail to obey. The last dog standing wins the suite. Elvis is the first dog eliminated, as he'd rather play with his newfound friends (or brutally attack them, depending on who you ask) than follow orders. Brandy is notable for shrieking "back up" like a banshee at Beacon. I bet she's one of those people who just starts speaking louder to people who don't understand English, with hopes that somehow if she yells they'll understand her. 

Laura/Preston and Travis/Presley are the final two dogs, and Travis and Presley take the day to everyone's delight. He sends J.D. and Galaxy to the doghouse. Fair enough. Plus, he hosts everyone in the suite, unlike J.D. Yay, Travis!

Bill and Star are feeling homesick, and head out for some fresh air. Star runs out of sight and yelps, so Bill runs after her, then carries her back into frame calling for a vet. She's bleeding in the car on the way over, but he can't tell how serious it is. AWFUL, you guys. Awful. God, I hate to see an animal in pain. I was almost tearing up when they were in the car! (Yes, that's a sign of the kind of crazy animal person I am. My cover as a cold-hearted recapper is officially blown. Shut up.)

At the emergency clinic, Bill cries and paces in the lobby while the vets examine Star. Turns out, the tip of her ear was torn, possibly bitten by a feral cat (and luckily not a snake). Scary! And how much do I love Bill? "Star is not a pet, she's not a dog. She is a companion." If only everyone with a companion animal felt that way, Bill. Happily, the next morning she's back up and at it.

Best in Show Challenge: "Petiquette." They'll be tested on how well dogs execute commands, on manners, and on appearance, as well as the ability to stay focused in the face of distractions. They're divided into two groups.

Group one: Ron/Tillman, Teresa/Leroy, Bill/Star, Laurie/Andrew, David/Elvis, and Brandy/Beacon. They do a good job trying to test their dogs on the ability to ignore distractions and obey commands, and Bill tries to help David out with Elvis. Unfortunately, David hasn't even mastered the "don't reward bad behavior" rule of training. 

The challenge is a fancy dinner party (at "Bone Appetit" restaurant, natch), where the dogs are first tested on their ability to heel. Brandy has to pull on Beacon's leash a bit. Then, seated at the table, they have to sit in front of their favorite food without touching it. Mean! Amazingly, all the dogs in the first group pass. Tillman actually sits with a steak right under his nose without eating it! Wow. Finally, the dogs are instructed to sit and stay on their pedestals while their owners walk around the table. Everyone worries that Elvis will bolt and the others will follow, but they all pass with flying colors.

The judges love how Laurie interacted with Andrew, and praise Tillman for his ability to leave the steak alone. Seriously, I wish I had Tillman's willpower! It might have kept me from eating half a bag of doritos for dinner tonight. (True story. But I had some salad too, so I figure it balances out?) They criticize David for his reliance on confusing hand signals, but love Teresa's and Leroy's grooming and performance. They like Bill's rapport with Star, but notice Beacon's problems with heeling and blame it on Brandy's poor communication.

Group two: Elan/Kenji, J.D./Galaxy, Laura/Preston, Beth Joy/Bella Starlet, and Travis/Presley. Elan has trouble controlling Kenji, and favors the extremely, extremely vocal method of training. To the point of just yelling at her dog. Uncool, Elan. I understand that Kenji is energetic, but find another way. The other trainers find it very distracting, both for them and their dogs. 

They all heel successfully, but Kenji immediately has problems at the table, even before the food is served. No one touches the food (wow again!), but Elan is snapping her fingers and "ah ah ah"-ing at Kenji the entire time, which is distracting to the other dogs. Presley also has a bit of a tough time, poor puppy. The sit/stay test goes well, but at the very end Kenji can't stand the pressure and makes a break for it. After an adorable romp around the room (seriously, even the judges are smiling), she hops back on her pedestal. I can't believe none of the other dogs joined her sit/stay mutiny!

The judges want J.D. to loosen up a bit but liked his heel, they love Travis's baby talk to Presley, and they praise Preston's bond with Laura. They're concerned that Elan is stressing Kenji (and the judges) out. Victoria does a remarkable imitation of Elan's "ah ah ah"s, even freaking Kenji out a little.

They also criticize Beth Joy's decision to put Bella Starlet in clothes, which, YES! SO AWFUL! And yet not the "in your face, toldja so" victory I was hoping to feel, because Beth Joy is totally destroyed, and it's sad. She was really excited about those clothes, you guys. She tries to make excuses, but the judges aren't having it. And then she breaks down crying about how much she loves her dog. Oof. But seriously, that is one ADORABLE little dog, and she's all covered up in a green gingham monstrosity. Have a little faith in your dog's cuteness!

Bill and Star win "Best in Show," which is awesome to the max. Go, Star! The weakest pairs are Elan/Kenji, Beth Joy/Bella Starlet, and David/Elvis. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think Brandy and Beacon should've been in there instead of Beth Joy and Bella Starlet. Or instead of David and Elvis, for that matter. Their heel was awful! But whatever- we all know that the bottom three are just a formality. Elan and Kenji are outta there for sure.

But first, Beth Joy chooses to interrupt the judges after they criticize Bella Starlet's clothing to rant about how it was totally appropriate to put her dog in a dress for a dinner party, even though it meant they couldn't judge the grooming on most of her body. It's awful, and there's much arguing back and forth. However, it doesn't save Elan and Kenji. The editors are rather cruel to Elan in her goodbye clip, showing a shot of Kenji shaking her head violently while on the leash while Elan says that Kenji's a great dog, among other things. Goodbye, Elan and your terrifyingly huge Schnauzer!

Where do you stand in the clothes on dogs debate? Who's your favorite pair so far?

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