'The Bachelorette': A Closet Full of Perfection

Previously on 'The Bachelorette', Brad dumped DeAnna! Has she mentioned that? Her heart was broken! No, America's heart was broken! No, those of us who just realized this episode is two hours long's hearts are broken!

Graham and Paul, by virtue of their rose-receiving last week, get to move in with DeAnna, kicking out Richard and Jesse. Jeremy stays. Pool fun ensues, and to be quite honest a shirtless Graham might sustain my interest in this show. I'm just saying. The boys in The Outhouse complain about Jeremy - I'm guessing he's going to be to this cycle what Robin was to 'The Bachelor: London Calling." The three Chosen Boys walk down to The Outhouse to deliver a date card to Richard.

Richard and DeAnna have a rooftop dinner in downtown LA, which - pretty, but you really don't want to breathe the air. He's very sweet and handsome and sincere, and boy howdy do the two of them have no chemistry. Richard keeps relationships secret from his parents, which we can probably assume is going to really turn family-loving DeAnna off. They take a really tacky Cinderella carriage ride, and DeAnna clearly can't wait to be rid of this guy. She tells the carriage driver to pull over, and she tells Richard that it breaks her heart, but she can't give him a rose. My goodness, but her heart breaks easily.

Meanwhile, the Chosen Boys deliver the group date card, this one for everyone except Jason (and, obviously, Richard.) DeAnna presents the men with cowboy gear; my favorite shot - and I will never forgive the editors for not showing us who - is of one of the guys shoving his bare feet into cowboy boots. As someone who wears cowboy boots, I can assure you this is not recommended. They take line-dancing lessons, while at home, Jason calls his son. Oh, wait, sorry, his seeeeeeeeeecret son. The cowboys get on one of those horrible mechanical bulls, and DeAnna deliberately takes a fall to see who comes running to her the fastest. As Jesse gets there first, she spends one-on-one time with him. He tells blatant lies about his last relationship, as DeAnna wonders (as she did with Richard) if she's attracted to him. Later, she pulls Ron aside to warn him about his attitude toward Jeremy. He tells her that his issue with Jeremy is, essentially, none of her business. Afterwards, Ron confronts Jeremy - again - in front of all of the other guys, and Jeremy handles his criticism with calm and tact. He (and I cannot believe I'm saying this, on this show of all shows) truly seems like a class act. DeAnna snuggles up to him for some solo time, and Fred and Graham, neither of whom have had any alone time with DeAnna, ambush them. Robert also makes a case for himself, and wins the rose.

Jason and DeAnna sit and wait for their date to begin, and a helicopter arrives to pick them up. Awesome! They land at the Mt. Wilson Observatory for dinner and stargazing. At dinner, he reveals his seeeeeeecret - his son - and DeAnna seems pretty unperturbed at the news. Nice work. And Jason has brought pictures, which makes DeAnna insta-broody. His opening up about Ty prompts DeAnna to open up about her mother's death. They have a nice moment together, and she does not hesitate to give him a rose. He asks before he kisses her, which she seems to like, but weirds me out a little. For future reference, if she's closing her eyes and tilting her face up at you? Stop talking. Kiss her.

The next morning, DeAnna "kidnaps" the boys and takes them to the set of "Ellen" to meet Ellen DeGeneres, who is giving the next rose. She ambushes them with questions, makes them drop trou, and challenges them to some truly painful dance competitions. DeAnna and Ellen debate the merits of each guy (Ellen is not on Team Graham) before Ellen presents the rose to Fred. Wait, who??

That night, at the house, DeAnna knows that she needs to eliminate two men in the rose ceremony. Sean has gotten a haircut and...it's a little less tribute-to-Sonny-Crockett, but not enough. DeAnna pulls nasty, nasty Ron aside to talk to him and see if he has anything to talk about other than Jeremy. Jeremy advances to interrupt their time (no doubt spurred by a producer), and DeAnna whispers a "thank you" and slips her hand into Jeremy's. He asks DeAnna if she would ever consider moving to Texas to be with him, and she says that she would. Graham confesses to DeAnna that he's a little uncomfortable with her and the other guys, and she tells him she wants him to open up to her more. She pulls Jason aside and presents him with a gift: she had a star named after his son Ty. Wow. What a sweet gesture, and a great way to show him that she is comfortable with him being a father. Yay. Chris appears to spur on the rose ceremony. My patented total-random-guess generator says that Ron and Sean will be departing these hallowed halls. And...half right! Sean stays and Paul (say it with me now...who?) and Ron are going.

Next week - more guys are lame! More guys go home! It can't happen quickly enough!

Soooo, are Jeremy and DeAnna the Matt and Shayne? Is it true love? Is it preordained by the gods/some guy at ABC? I care so deeply! Like DeAnna's, my heart is breaking for no explicable reason!

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