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'America's Got Talent': The talent is Next II None
People have pointed out the similarities between some contestants on America's Got Talent and some on Britain's Got Talent. To channel my favorite character from A Chorus Line, "I never heard of Britain's Got Talent, I never saw Britain's Got Talent, I don't give a hoot about Britain's Got Talent!" I'm just going to focus on what we've got here in America. The few, the proud, the talented... people willing to go on reality TV and possibly be humiliated in front of their friends, family, the First Lady of Rock, a stuffy Brit, a Baywatch star and millions of people.
Tonight we kick it off in Los Angeles to the strains of "Fame" and I start paying for this night's recap in sweat. Tonight, the judges shall be known as Stuffy, Muffy and Buffy. I'm sure you can suss out which one is which. 55 year-old part-time nanny Victoria is a self-titled "singing fairy" with a three-and-a-half-octive voice. Hmm. Her song is "When You Wish Upon a Star." Stuffy immediately buzzes her and the crowd sharpens their pitchforks by the light of their torches. He says she's weird and she is quickly shunted away to go hang out with Curly Bill from last week. Why must every week kick off with a crazypants adult who thinks he/she can sing?
We revamp some more Michael Jackson with a Montage o' Suck set to "Beat it." We get an opera (?) singer with whom Buffy howls along side, a mandolin/fiddle/head player, and a female cross-dressing trombonist/magician (don't see that every day, I'll say that).
We move on to Eli, a 26 year-old piano player who rides the rails and works for tips. His story is set to "You Raise Me Up" and I vomit in my mouth a little. I'm sure this kid is nice and it's too bad he starved as a piano player, but... we whipped out the Josh Grobin for a hungry piano player? I thought we'd at least have to get to homeless one-legged blind orphans for that crap. Anyway. Eli sings and plays "Walkin' in Memphis," which is one of my favorite songs. He sounds like if Eddie Vedder and Keith Urban had a kid, but it's good. I like this kid. Piano playing is hot. Stuffy says he "took his moment," Muffy can't believe he hasn't been signed already, and Buffy says "young Billy Joel." Hmm. He plays piano, but vocally he sounds nothing like Billy Joel. Either way, he's through to the next round and we get more "You Raise Me Up." Gross.
Cassie is up next, a 27 year-old bartender who grew up with horses. It's AGT's Kristy Lee Cook! Kidding. She takes the stage in a weird metal outfit, says her stage name is "Miss Pussycat" and that she's doing a "grinding act." She takes an industrial grinder and shoots sparks by grinding it on the metal plates she is wearing. WOW. She shoots sparks through her legs, into her hands, near her tongue. This is... weirdly entertaining. Buffy says, "Pussycat, pussycat, I love you. That was weirdly entertaining." OH MY GOD, David Hasselhoff and I are the same person. Stuffy and Muffy loved it too, she's through.
Our next story has the plinky-plunky strains of hardship. Brothers Lil Countrie and Page 1ne are survivors of Hurricane Katrina. They talk about their uncle who was in a wheelchair and... locked himself in a room so the 911 responders would save his 3 young children? It's unclear. But the uncle died in the hurricane and that's still sad. Anyway, the brothers' breakdancing? Is spectacular. One of them balances and spins on top of his brother's head. It's just as awesome as the commercials would have you believe. Stuffy makes the point that the show is not for who has the best story, but a talent competition. He then says they are "one of the favorite acts." Nice, Stuffy. Muffy and Buffy agree and this inspirational story is set to "All or Nothing" by O-town. My little sister likes O-town, but she also likes ponies and juiceboxes too.
After 30 minutes we leave LA and head for NYC. Weird. Michael is a 57 year-old limo driver and "extreme percussionist." I fear he is our next singing-fairy-Elvis-doing-Tom-Jones guy. One thing's for sure, he is about 4'7'' tall. He disappears behind his trap set. Thank God he is quickly sent packing. Stuffy says he runs around "whacking anything [he] can get his hands on." Snerk.
We now have the family boy band Next II None. Aww, they're like the Jackson 4 in fedoras and camoflage pants! They perform a remix of "Bye Bye Bye." It totally fakes me out at first; I think it's going to just be regular "Bye Bye Bye" but it's remixed and totally better. Seriously, there is awesome choreography and decently tight vocals. If you like boy bands, these guys are awesome. Boy bands aren't really my thing, but I can still see how talented these fellas are and they are only 15, 17, 19, and 23 years old. Muffy and Stuffy like them, Buffy says they are "pretty darn good." They're through.
A Russian Bar Trio is next, which is an act featuring a 13 ft-long pole put on the two men's shoulders on which the girl performs. My reaction pre-performance: Interesting. During performance: WOW. They start bouncing her 10-15 feet into the air where she flips and does toe-touches and then she LANDS ON THE BAR. Holy crap. That would be a PERFECT Vegas act. The finale is a double flip with a full twist (I think. I watched a lot of gymanstics and diving over the weekend). The judges loved it and they are through to the next round.
Our Montage o' Hoff is set to "Mr. Big Stuff" and shows photoshoots with Hasselhoff while Piers tries to argue that he gets a bigger round of applause than Hoff, but we are shown that Muffy actually gets the biggest round of applause. This is all used as an intro for an Ozzie impersonator. He looks more like Peter Pettigrew. Sharon takes it in stride while secretly making a note to get a restraining order against "The Ozzman." He is so bad. I would make a better Ozzie impersonator than this kid. (AIY AIY AIY!) Muffy tells him that he didn't sound like Ozzie, but Stuffy says he sounded just like Ozzie and is quite better looking. Stuffy is awesome. The Ozzman is a no.
We now have the Taubl Family, which is the U.S. verision of the Von Trapp Family Singers except they play every stringed instrument imaginable. If I don't hear "The Lonely Goat-Herder," I'm gonna be pissed. Muffy steals my Von Trapp joke and then all 9 of them perform. They really do play "The Sound of Music," which is HILARIOUS. They have a keyboard, 4 violins/violas, two cellos, and a harp. Dad just kind of stands there like a goober. Then they start to sing! Is anybody else reminded of Gary's Family from the South Park on Mormons? However, I am sort-of charmed by theTaubls because I always wanted desperately to be Liesl Von Trapp. Buffy says "excellent act ... very classy." Stuffy says he buzzed a little early and puts them through. I think I just got diabetes.
The next act is the DC Cowboys Dance Company, which is about "sexy, masculine movement." They describe themselves as "Brokeback meets Broadway," which is awesome, though I do feel the name is redundant, because there is quite a bit "Brokeback" on "Broadway" as it is. Their song is "Save a Horse, RIde a Cowboy." Offff... course it is. Their routine is pretty cute and would certainly play well in Las Vegas. The judges put them through unanimously.
Commercial Interlude: Ya know, after all the hype about the Human High-Wire Pyramid on Celebrity Circus, I'm gonna be so disappointed if someone doesn't bite it.
We're back in Chicago again for the last half hour and our first act is 39 year-old Kevin Taylor. He breaks slabs of concrete with his bare hands. I think I saw him on the Today Show this morning. His act involves breaking 1000 lbs of cement that is lit on fire. Huh. I don't know if I'd pay money in Vegas to see this guy, but go for it. He breaks eight stacks of 100 lbs (that are on fire) right in a row and by the end is on fire himself. I don't mean "en fuego," I mean he is LITERALLY ON FIRE. He then does two more stacks of bricks. The male judges enjoyed it and put him through, Muffy is concerned with his safety and does not.
38 year-old is Chellena is up next. The plinky-plunky strains of cancer play while she tells us she was diagnosed with cervical cancer two years ago, but now has been cancer-free for a year. Good for her. She sings "Born by the River" and the woman can sing, she's just a little rough around the edges. No training, but a great natural instrument. They keep showing shots of the audience and I swear to God, based on their clothes, that is stock footage from The Apollo circa 1983. Buffy liked it, Stuffy says good but not great, Muffy likes her heart and she's through.
Our next act is 51 year-old Johnny, a magician. YES! MAGIC! He performs some pretty lame magic to the song "Popcorn" that (I swear to God) we did a line-dance to in Hansen Elementary School P.E. This leads us into a Montage o' Magic that features Dan the Magic Man who kills a pigeon; Dorian who barfs up cards and breaks his set pieces then loses his bird; Dennis Keith who tries to levitate and can't, a woman in blue satin who gets tangled in the mic stand and takes off her bra; and Bizzaro who lights himself on fire and blows flames out of his crotch.
This takes us to husband & wife duo the Pendragons. They are illusionists and apparently the husband almost died once practicing a trick and has a big scar. Their act is the husband locked in a box while the wife dances around, then she climbs on top with a giant black tarp and when it falls away they've changed places. Also, her head never disappears above the top of the tarp. Not bad. The judges love it... as I think I hear the strains of Starship kick up. AND YES! It's "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now." HAHAHA! The Mannequin movies!
Our finale Montage o' Clones is a Rod Stewart impersonator, a Cyndi Lauper impersonator, a Dubya impersonator, an Elton Job impersonator who forgets the words to "Rocket Man," and a Dionne Warwick impersonator who looks SCARILY like Dionne Warwick. Since I saw the Dionne Warwick Death Rattle on Idol a few seasons ago, I might like this woman better.
This leads into an Elvis impersonator who is... not gonna lie... really hot. His name is Joseph, he's from Lincoln, Nebraska and I cannot wait. He sings "Hound Dog" and... wow. It's pretty good. He's a little flat in parts, but overall it's not bad. I feel like I'm watching Cry Baby. Where's Allison Vernon-Williams? Stuffy says he normally hates Elvis impersonators but says it was great. Muffy is busy trying not to wet her pants, she's so excited. She says he can just stand there; she also says, "I have shoes older than you... but I'd like to try you on." SHARON RULES! Buffy says yes as well and he's through.
Overall, not as strong as last week. But I did enjoy the New Orleans breakdancers and the Next II None quite a bit. Maybe they are the second coming of Boyz II Men. Here's hoping! See you next week.
That Elvis impersonator is the best I've ever seen. I want to try him on, too! He was so good, I p'd in my pants, baby! Oh, and I have seen, the real thing in concert, it was my very first concert ever! I m a huge Elvis fan!
He should perform, at Graceland and Nashville, let alone, Vegas!
I d love to hear him sing, "Love Me tender"! Did you all know that Elvis, sang a songs in Italian, as well as German!
I Know that he German song, was entitled: "Wooden Heart".
The Italian song, was some famous song, I 've only heard it him sing it, once. He did a pretty good job, of it. Just some Elvis, trivia that people might not know about.
Hey suprise everyone, with some trivia, that not that many people know about, Elvis!
Oh, and when I was in Germany I actually got to do a drive by, of the Military base, where Elvis was stationed! That place is, huge! By the way. There were some pretty awesome looking airplanes parked on that run way, too!
So far this season has sucked. I don't recall the previous two season being this bad. These first two episodes have been useless. Maybe they aren't showing all the good act yet, so they will be fresh for the second round. Of course there has been a few good act so far, but they haven't shown enough of them.
Here's a few problems I have with the show: Like I said last week, I could care less about the singers. Secondly, the background stories are a waste of time. I don't care enough about these people to hear their life's story. Maybe, it would be OK for the final eight. The crowd needs to be on a short leash. They are becoming annoying. Finally, if someone is X'ed by all three judges, then don't go through the process of asking if they're going to Vegas.
Scott | Jun 25, 2008 6:03:45 AM | #Cuckoo.
Nonnie Muss | Jun 25, 2008 6:10:12 AM | #How annoying are the Jerry Springer moments! Why is he even there?
BonnieW | Jun 25, 2008 8:26:34 AM | #Cassie AKA MissPussykat is multi-talented. Wait til you see her other acts!
SusanB | Jun 25, 2008 8:34:43 AM | #Andrea, I sometimes wonder if you're paying attention. (And you know, you really should if your job is to blog about the stuff.) The Dionne Warwick impersonator was a guy! not, as you say, a woman. Remember when "Buffy" said he had the feeling that "her" voice was going to be that low?
Paul | Jun 25, 2008 8:53:29 AM | #so far there are four similar acts to britain's got talent.
salesman turned opera singer
baton twirler
cute little girl singer
and grinder girl.
Paul, I know the impersonator was a dude. That was the joke.
Plus, all the impersonator/drag performers I know like to be referred to with female pronouns when they are in costume.
Andrea | Jun 25, 2008 10:03:19 AM | #I was surprised when the Pendragons showed up. They used to be all over TV in the 80s and 90s. I really remember their appearance on a Houdini special hosted by William Shatner, when the Pendragons did a trick in the early 20th-century style, then their sexier version. What was memorable was that Mrs. Pendragon could not get out of the trunk because she hadn't finished fastening the bottom part of her costume so she had to do her "Ta-da!"- the prestige- still in the trunk.
I was wondering what they were doing on AGT when Arthur told his story of nearly dying while trying out a trick involving an arrow and showed the surgical scar. Then they did their trunk trick.
I thought AGT was for amateurs trying to get their break (Bianca Ryan) or professionals trying to get more exposure (Terry Fator). The Pendragons are trying to show everyone that they're back, maybe as sexy as ever. Still, I was as surprised to see them there as I was to see Thea Vidale on "Last Comic Standing" last year.
Yeah, I remembered the Pendragon name as soon as they said it. They are about the most recognized magic act in the world. Take a look at their website. They were really big in the 80s.
The grinder girl, talented enough to go on? What is she talented in? How talented to you have to be to run a grinder on a metal plate hanging from your chest. Besides, Letterman has has a semi-regular grinder girl on his show for years. Nothing new to see, here.
Dr. Rock | Jun 25, 2008 11:59:56 AM | #My favorite judge is Piers. (smart, witty and even..... handsome!)He's the only one of the three judges that seems to realize this is for a MILLION dollars and a gig in VEGAS! So he is right to be hard on these contestants. You can't be "good" or "ok", you have to be SPECTACULAR... a MILLION dollars worth. So though he may seem harsh, he has the premise of the show in mind. Also, this is a TALENT competition, not a who-has-the-saddest-story-of-their-life competition, so I agree that they need to leave that out. No life story, just the acts please and thank you! Trying to win the judges over with sympathy votes should get a buzz ASAP! And lastly, since singers already have American Idol, wouldn't it be great, if America's Got Talent could elimante simgers from contending? It's time for acts with orginality.
JEN | Jun 25, 2008 12:00:11 PM | #I've watched bits and pieces of this season's cavalcade of insane people who think they have talent (some of whom actually do, thank the gods). The hand-held gymnastics-bar-flipping act was quite incredible, plus some of the singing wasn't bad. What I'm already tired of is the sob stories that seem to accompany each and every one of the performers now. I just mute them anyway, but I got sick of hearing about how so-and-so lost his left leg in a tragic pitbull juggling act, or lost his/her home in a demon raising ceremony that backfired, or bit his/her tongue in half while sledding down the side of The Great Pyramids, and so on, and so forth...If the acts are any good, they don't need dressing up, so it would be really nice if the soap-opera-writers-posing-as-reality-show-producers would drop the maudlin bookends and get on with the show. For one thing, they could fit more in; for another, we all wouldn't have to invest in whatever new anti-diabetes medicine is out. This is getting to be like going to the circus, but getting a lecture by Dr. Phil and Deepak Chopra between acts. Enough already.
Dark Disciple | Jun 25, 2008 12:08:03 PM | #Please get rid of the singers! I do not want singers on this show unless it is part of an act like last year's singing ventriloquist or an impersonator. People trying to start their own singing career go to IDOL!! Even that starving piano playing guy could have done IDOL especially since they added instruments to the show. Not many people will watch a show in Vegas for some new unknown talent unless it is gimmicky enough to catch the attention of the non-AGT viewers.
JCP | Jun 25, 2008 1:36:30 PM | #What is the deal with all the cut aways. During the performances, they cut away to show the crowds reaction. Then they cut away to show the judges reaction. Enough it makes it very annyoing. I would rather see the contestants performing.
db | Jun 25, 2008 2:22:18 PM | #Just to clear things up, some people on AGT like to sing because they don't meet the age requirements of Idol. They may be too young or much older, so this show gives them that chance. There is no limit to what they can perform, and I think it's great!
Really enjoyed last night's show. Still can't block the grinder girl from my mind!!
Shaun | Jun 25, 2008 5:07:37 PM | #Love the Veronica Mars reference.. made my day!!!
Lori | Jun 27, 2008 7:21:51 AM | #Hey, I LOVED the Pendragons. I read they wowed everyone in Vegas, but the producers thought their show is "too professional". Anyway, I guess they have been to Vegas as stars already.
GAYLE SPENCER | Sep 25, 2008 12:30:24 PM | #
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