Premierewatch: 'The Bachelorette'
Greetings! I welcome you to a new season - my first - of 'The Bachelorette'. Now, what I know of 'The Bachelor' runs the gamut from, ah, Matt to Shayne, but I believe this fine lady - DeAnna Pappas - was the contestant upon whom Bachelor Brad sprung the little-known "Kelly Taylor Clause" and chose...himself. Can you blame her for slapping on some veneers and some silicone and getting right back in the saddle to find herself a camera-ready mate?
Chris Harrison greets DeAnna at the Bachelorette house and introduces us to 25 assorted tools and d-bags who will be vying for her heart. Since I have a feeling only 15 of these fine gentlemen will still be with us at the end of this - wait, two hours? are you kidding me?! - please forgive me if I do very little to distinguish them (especially considering Richard and Jeremy are clearly the same person.) DeAnna climbs out of a limo in an ill-fitting gold lame Vegas cocktail server's dress, complete with train, cut down to her navel. You know how some women have those overplucked eyebrows that are shaped like....ah, like tadpoles, I suppose? Big body, little squiggly tail? She's doing that with her eyebrows. Her family is really happy and excited for her, to find true love, once again, on prime-time television. Chris prepares her to meet her suitors, and here they come! Ready?
First up is Brian, a Texan high-school football coach, who after seeing DeAnna understands why he's on this show. Wait, what show did you think you were on? Paul is a Canadian sales manager and twirls DeAnna, freaking her right the hell out. Adam Levine-alike Graham is a Southern pro basketball player who appears to be approximately DeAnna's height. Sean is a "martial arts master" and one of the aforementioned d-bags, you can already tell. Richard, not to be confused with Jeremy, is a high school science teacher. Jason is a Washingtonian account exec and single dad who studied Greek to impress our girl. Spero is an actor from my hometown and is way creepily intense. Jesse is a pro snowboarder from Colorado and is wearing Vans and a dayglo velvet jacket. No comment. Jon is a hotel manager in South Carolina, and spends Ryan Seacrest-amounts of time on his coif. Chris is a Texan in medical supplies. Brian From Indiana is a network consultant - a what now? - and is way, way fratty. And here are Jeffrey and his teeth! He's a math teacher. Donato, card-carrying tool, is a sales rep from South Carolina. Lotta Southern boys in this mix. Maybe because she's a daughter of the South herself? Ryan has lots of pent-up energy from all the sex he's not having and they hug chastely.
Twilley is a debt manager from Oklahoma and he seems more confident that anyone so far for no apparent reason. Ron, who owns a barber shop in Kansas City, I'm guessing is on the d-bag roster himself. Patrick C. is adorably young and rumpled and a financial analyst. Lock him down, girl! Luke is an oyster farmer from South Carolina. DeAnna asks him to tell her something funny and he says "how about, you look great?" Um, ha, ha? Eric, a senior analyst from Boston, speaks Greek too. Robert is a chef from San Francisco, and he is really, really, really tall. He also salsa dances. He seems like he'd be fun at parties. Chandler reminds me so much of every guy I dated in college. Oh, he sells insurance! Of course he does! Greg is the aforementioned trainer from New York, and he gives me the heebie-jeebies a lil bit. Fred is a lawyer from Chicago, and kind of an adorable doofus, and gives her a big hug. Patrick D is in internet marketing and is from the same suburb of Chicago as Patrick C. What are the freaking chances? Is everyone in Elmhurst, IL named Patrick? Jeremy, not to be confused with Richard, is a real estate lawyer from Dallas and is kind of sleazy-hot. DeAnna seems to agree.
DeAnna heads inside, and based on my prior experience with this show, I'm really hoping someone (Sean?) stuffs his 2xists in her pocket at some point. DeAnna gets 3 first impression roses to give out at this first mixer. The boys wolf-whistle at her when she walks in, and Sean thinks she looks like "the perfect wife." Boy howdy, Sean, you and I are not going to get along one bit, are we? DeAnna goes ahead and dispenses with the formalities, giving the first rose to Jeremy. Jason snags DeAnna for some one-on-one time, and they discuss the importance of travel and family to DeAnna. She climbs under a blanket with Ryan, with whom she is, ah, safe. Spero runs outside to give her his coat, and he really icks me out. Ron is divorced, and DeAnna is already done with him, thanks. Robert decides to impress DeAnna by...cooking? Wait, the kitchen is fully stocked? And how long is this freaking party? Luke gives her a pearl necklace as a gift (he's the oyster farmer) and DeAnna is clearly trying very hard to carry on a conversation with him. Meanwhile, Donato is druuuuuuunk. Jason swing-dances with DeAnna as Chris walks in with a helper for DeAnna - her friend and fellow discarded bachelorette Jenni. Jenni quizzes the guys while taking notes. Richard brings her a quartz crystal from his hometown, and he's adorable, and I have a total soft spot for nerds. Eric grew up in Greece and is handsome and I like him. Brian From Indiana has scary, scary abs and shows them off to Jenni. Guys are literally climbing over each other to get DeAnna's attention. I really despise Sean. Like, really a lot despise him.
The girls compare notes, and Jenni agrees with me that Graham is not at all difficult to look at. Jesse and his self-conscious quirkitude and sneakers gets the second rose, prompting all of the other guys to say "whaaaa?" As a final attempt at attracting her attention, Paul jumps into the freezing-cold pool in a Speedo emblazoned with "DeAnna" on the rear. Graham is a bar owner who is attempting to start a charity, and continues to be not ugly. DeAnna chooses to give the third and final first impression rose to cute geek Richard. Yay!
Chris enters to call DeAnna up for the first official rose ceremony. We're given a quick overview of the guys through DeAnna's eyes. She deliberates. There really aren't 2 hours of material here, are there? Ten men will be going home tonight. And our group of fifteen finalists are: Jeremy, Jesse, and Richard (the first impression rose awardees), Ron the divorced bartender, Graham the hunky charity-starting drinkslinger, Eric who is fluent in Greek, Robert the enormously tall chef, Ryan and his vow of chastity, Chris who I can't for the life of me remember, Paul the swimmer, Fred the lawyer from Chicago, wild and crazy Twilley, Jason the single pops, Brian (the Texan, not the abs) and Sean - wait, what? NOOOOOOOO! And then, suddenly way-crazy Greg confessionals that he is a prince amongst men and rips off his shirt. Like Lou Ferrigno. And he has huge, strange pectoral muscles, and stretch marks everywhere, and tribal tattoos covering his torso. And howls like a coyote. Ohhhhhhkay.
Well, darlings, I see the stirrings of true love here, don't you? Not so much? I'm rooting for cute nerd Richard, cute charity-starter Graham, and Jeremy because those two crazy kids just sparked. Thoughts?
I was not impressed with any of the guys.I know DeAnna and I did not see but two or three that I thought was worthy of her.I really did not think any of them were relly handsome.
I'd be insulted if these men were selected for me. I thought I was watching Beauty and the Geek for a minute. She's gotta be disappointed with this bunch!
I thought it was good, and I agree with most of her choices, except for Sean, Twilley and the guy in the loud jacket. She definitely seems to be going for the whole package, not just looks.
The football coach was conventionally handsome and Graham is SMOKIN' HOT!
What a lackluster bunch! If I were her, I'd stuff 'em back in the limo and enjoy my time in the mansion alone except for Hans, the hitherto unknown m***euse who would lend his capable hands daily ...
This show is SO not as entertaining as the "Flavor of Love" franchise. To that end, I've decided to give all the suitors "flavesque" nicknames, to make them more entertaining. Here's what I came up with:
Finalists
Brian -- Texacoach
Paul -- Speedo
Graham -- Cracker
Sean -- Billy Ray (Cyrus)
Richard -- Redshirt
Jeremy -- Keanu
Jason -- Baby Daddy
Jesse -- Straightjacket
Twilley -- Mr. Bean
Ron -- Mo (from Missouri and a hairdresser)
Eric -- Zeus
Fred -- Flintstone
Robert -- Salsa
Ryan -- Closet
Chris -- Greg Brady
Eliminated Suitors
Brian W. -- Indiana
Chandler -- Bing
Donato -- Adam (after the Big Brother 9 Winner)
Greg -- Tattool
Jon -- Chia Head
Luke -- Waif
Patrick C. -- Beatle
Patrick D. -- Moose
Spero -- Zero
Jeffery -- Mr. Invisible
Let there be clocks! Oh, this show gives out ROSES? Lame.
Sorry ladies, I was with Brad on this one. He was right not to pick either of the women if he didn't love them. How shallow if he went through the motions only to dump them later. So it was a shock to see them drag Deanna back out. I see from the sneak peeks she already has a few melt downs. What ABC has done to her is let "her be the heartbreaker" and I think she likes that role too much, almost a bitter feel to her over the loss of Brad. Please stop dishing him, he did not do anything wrong. He followed his heart, I never saw the attraction for her in the first place.
I just finished Matt and Shayne's lovely story and not a single moment last night was as good.
Deanna looked like a gold garbage bag and a look of deer in head lights... I watched to see the men, she needs to pick the Greek speaking guy and leave reality TV forever.... please ABC wasn't there someone with cl*** and brains to be the bachelorette? You did dip into the garbage can and viola there she was.... I hear the trailer park calling......
As Chris Harrison would say, that was the most dramatically ill-fitting dress EVER in Bachelorette history.
That aside, I think D should just pick her top 4, do the home town dates now and cut out all the boring stuff in between. She cannot possibly be interested in more than three or four of 'em if episode 1 is any indication.
New drinking game - a shot every time some dude shows off his abs...
Joi (nice spelling...)- you're the one that came from the trailer park. DeAnna seems like she has a good head on her shoulders. Quit being jealous, it's not attractive.
wow what a snotty creature you are Emily... name calling isn't terribly attractive either... Oh and Emily now that is such a terrific name... what was it name of the year for the boring multitudes in 1982? Your parents are not the creative types I guess lol plain Jane replaced by Emily - the Queen of fricking sheba? Or perhaps now that Leona Helmsly is dead you can be the queen of mean? Guess we are off topic, I wanted to comment on the new Bachelorette but saw the attack of people's names. Deanna is okay, I liked Jenna better at the time.
I agree with Emily...Joi is the nasty one...I dont have a problem with Brad not picking her but she is a sweet girl no need to be jealous...i do think brad played games a little telling her he his heart was broke too and he thinks about her everyday...no need to say all that...but i agree he shouldnt have picked her...i personally think she is the best bachelorette...i think she is adorable...i like a few guys but most are not good...i really hope it works for her because i believe she does want to find love