'Paradise Hotel 2' goes for a ride

We get down to the final three on Paradise Hotel 2. The end is near! But first, there will be single-entendres, pointless fights, even more pointless posturing, and crappy confessionals to the camera.

This spoiler rides bareback.

James starts off the episode by announcing he's there to play the game -- he's there to win. Krista and Mike are shocked and clutch their pearls. For cryin' out loud, people -- why the hell ELSE would anyone be there? You're humiliating yourself on national (albeit niche network) TV -- you damn well better be hoping you'll have some money at the end to help you ignore your tattered dignity.

James is incredibly mouthy this episode, though -- he can't stop telling Krista that he came thisclose to sending her home, but instead he chose Myrna for the good of the group and because he's just a sterling guy. No one wants to hear it. He also does everything in his power to suck up to TD. TD isn't buying it.

The girls and Zack get a day out -- they go horseback riding on the beach and end up at some romantic hideaway. Apparently, the producers could afford to rent horses for everyone, because Stephanie and Krista share a mount. When Krista says she doesn't really ride, Zack wonders how everything they say seems to take a turn for the naughty. Zack: You're on Paradise Hotel. They're forcing alcohol down your throat and telling you to hook up with a "roommate." It would be a miracle if anyone managed to say anything that didn't have to do with sex.

At the end of the day, Zack gets to pick one woman to share the romantic hideaway with him. He chooses Stephanie, because they've been bonking with wild abandon. Then Zack gets performance anxiety or something, because he spurns Stephanie's on-camera advances. I'm no Ryan! I don't want everyone watching me do amateur porn! Why exactly are you on this show again?

Stephanie takes that badly and ends up crying that she hates fighting with him. Stephanie if you honestly think you've made an emotional connection with anyone on this show, that you've hooked up with anyone who wants more than sex, you need to consider medication.

Meanwhile, Ryan, Mikey and James spend the day together, and James is left out of the reindeer games. It's ok, he tells the camera -- I'm tough, I don't mind that Ryan is taking my place as Mikey's best bud. Then he weeps quietly in his lonely, lonely kayak for one.

Back at the ranch, Mikey and Ryan continue to talk smack about James while he sits there alone. Dudes, don't make me feel sorry for James. Fortunately, James is soon acting like an ass again -- when the Krista and TD get back, he tries smarming TD and also tells her that Krista has always totally had it in for her. Whatever, dude.

It's time for the final roommate ceremony! Will Zack go to Stephanie even though they're fighting? Why yes, yes he will. Will Mikey choose Krista? Duh. That leaves TD to choose between two guys. Ryan seems nice and chill, she says, while James has always treated me as his backup, last-chance girl. It didn't work. Bye bye, James.

After that elimination, the OGs gather to toast their fallen comrade and congratulate themselves for staying true to themselves instead of trying to win the game. Again... you signed up for a game. Why the hell wouldn't you try to win it? Zach wanders off to his room and stretches out on the bed in his tighty-whiteys and a t-shirt. That's just wrong, dude. Stephanie comes in to check on him, and they resolve not to fight anymore. Late that night, there are suspicious movements under the covers Chez Zack and Steph, while everyone else sleeps the sleep of the chaste, non-gaming-paying just.

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