'Gossip Girl': "We're the Non-Judging Breakfast Club"

After last week's "OMFG"-laden, Diet-Coke-spitting, lacquered-nail-biting episode of 'Gossip Girl', your faithful recapper has prepared herself for this week's fireworks with a Bellini. Or three. If the darlings of the Upper East Side are going to top last week's party, what with the cheating, the gaiety, and the murder, girlfriend is going to need a cocktail.

Good morning, Upper East Siders! Georgina stalks the streets of New York, leaving messages for Serena while wearing literal pounds of accessories, while in DUMBO/Brooklyn/wherever the Poors live, Rufus practices his old Lincoln Hawk tunes for a Rolling Stone-sponsored "Forgotten Bands of the 90s" reunion concert to be broadcast on VH1. Classic! Oh, no, to be broadcast on VH1 Classic. Less cool. Dan is too tired from his sleepless night - since the dramatic events of last week's episode took place, in UES time, last night - to give a proper Humphrey retort. He tells his dad that he and Serena have had another fight about her vague untruthfulness, to which Rufus (and thank GOD people have started to say this) rightly points out that it is hard to be truthful to someone who judges everyone, everywhere, for everything they say and/or do. Dan, who is doing something terribly Seth Cohen with his hair, seems to actually hear this. But I'm sure he'll forget soon enough. Elsewhere in Poortown, Nate stalks Vanessa and this whole relationship is so gross. Their banal patter is interrupted by a call to Nate's cell, and they agree to meet up at the Lincoln Hawk concert tonight.

Chez Van Der Bass, a minion reminds Bart and Lily that their rehearsal dinner is tonight at the same time as the concert - what are the chances? - but that Lily's interview with Rolling Stone - what are the chances? - is in half an hour. Dan arrives looking for Serena only to be blocked by Chuck, wearing golf pants, boat shoes and my grandfather's cardigan and eating chocolate cake with his hands. I love this man. Chuck answers his phone and tells the caller that S didn't come home last night. Although Dan attempts to listen in, he's a Humphrey, and they're just no good at any of this stuff. Chuck heads over to the Waldorf manse, only to find himself sharing a sullen elevator with ex-bestie Nate, the only other man who has, ah, known the Queen B. Awkward! They sit down in the foyer to wait. Dan, who is now waiting outside of the Palace - because there is no time or space here - runs into Georgina, who immediately has to become Sarah, upping her voice by an octave. Dan reveals to G that Serena didn't come home last night before his cell phone rings. Although the Caller ID says "Serena", it is in fact a bartender, who reveals that S left her cell phone at a bar last night when she left. With three men. And Blair, in the most perfect yellow dress, arrives home with a sick and sobbing Serena, begging Nate and Chuck for help. Nate and Blair pour S into the shower while Chuck runs out for carbohydrates and hangover cures. Blair says that after Serena told her "something" last night, she ran out and it took B all night to find her.

Rufus and Vanessa unload Lincoln Hawk's amps, etc, while a roadie reads the Post's coverage of the Bass wedding. Uptown, a Rolling Stone interviewer hits Lily with some nastily pointed questions about her relationship with Rufus until Dan interrupts looking for Serena. Lily sends him off to Blair's, where he finds an uneasy detente between B, Chuck and Nate. They all attempt to cover for Serena, telling Dan that S doesn't want to see him. S staggers down the stairs in an insane purple velvet bathrobe circa 'Dynasty' to have a heart-to-heart with Dan in front of the other three. She relievedly, tearfully, tells Dan that she slept with someone else last night, but I don't believe her: I think she's using this as an excuse to set Dan free without letting him know how terrible her sin truly was. Of course, "Sarah" calls at this instant to offer comfort, and he heads off to meet her in the park.

Lily crazies out over meaningless wedding details to the aforementioned minion, until her phone rings. And Dorota - that bitch! - is calling to rat Serena out. She tells Lily that her daughter is like she used to be "before she went away." Lily excuses herself calmly and runs upstairs to root madly through Serena's room, amusingly tossing a Lincoln Hawk cd aside before finding the USB drive Georgina sent. Chez Waldorf, S reveals to the Unholy Trinity that she  didn't cheat on Dan and the boys beg her to reveal her secret, as they're no saints themselves: Blair reminds her that she had sex with Chuck in the back of a limo, Nate reminds her that he had sex with her on a barstool at the Shepherd wedding, and Chuck reminds her, "I'm Chuck Bass." Heh. B tells her they're the "non-judging Breakfast Club" and ooh! Chuck was deflowered by Georgina in sixth grade! This episode keeps getting better and better.

The next two things happen simultaneously: Serena tells the story of the Shepherd wedding while Lily watches the content of the USB drive. After her rendezvous with Nate, Serena left (awesomely, in his tuxedo shirt, begging the question of what NATE wore home) in a taxi to meet with G at a hotel where we already know that Georgina set Serena up for a sex tape with a random guy. S whines about her betrayal of Blair, and Random complains about the lack of action. G and Random snort some coke while Serena half-heartedly hooks up with Random. Lily, at this point in the tape, shuts her computer in disgust. However, at this point Serena pushed the guy off of her, at which point he snorts - at her urging - another line and overdoses. Serena attempts to call an ambulance but Georgina stops her, and the girls leave. Serena watches from across the street as the body bag is loaded into the ambulance.

Serena makes Chuck, Nate and Blair promise to never tell Dan what she has told them. Everyone showers - I hope - and Serena, Chuck and Blair make their way to the rehearsal dinner. Blair looks amazing in sequins, pearls and a truly epic headband. Lily  pulls her daughter aside  to tell her that she's planning on sending her to reformatory school. Later, Blair interrupts Lily to demand that she not send Serena away. And - honestly - I have been waiting since the inception of this show for these two to throw down. They're the only truly worthy adversaries on the show. Blair reveals to Lily that Serena has a secret, and that it's killing her, and that Blair is out of her league here. And for the Waldorf to admit that there is a league beyond her own is a sacrifice beyond measure.

Meanwhile, Dan and Georgina arrive at the concert to find Rufus hanging with Lisa Loeb. Yay! I'm so watching 'Reality Bites' after this! But when D and G head for the seats, a walleyed girl starts bellowing "Georgina" at her. Although G ignores her, Dan's interest is piqued. Nate calls Vanessa to tell her he's running late and - forgive me for harping on these things, when you know that my love for this show is pure and complete - but it's daytime where Nate is, and nighttime where Vanessa is. Vanessa tells Nate that Sarah is there with Dan, and Nate tells Vanessa something along the lines of "don't listen to anything she says! I'll tell you more in act three!" Nate promptly calls the Queen B and asks for her advice, and she  tells him to stay put, and that she'll come find him. She immediately bats her Shu Uemura falsies at Chuck and lures him along for the inevitable smackdown. Meanwhile, Lily gets a mysterious address from Chuck, and tells Bart that she has to go deal with Serena. Bart accuses her of being secretive lately - shades of Dan and Serena - but she won't tell him what's going on.

Later that evening, someplace where it is also daytime, Lily and Serena's towncar pulls up at a brownstone. Lily tells Serena that it is the home of the parents of the boy who overdosed, and that they are expecting Serena. Lily stands by Serena's side as the boy's parents exonerate S of any culpability in his death. This is a woman whose son came out of the closet yesterday, whose daughter admitted to involuntary manslaughter today, and who is marrying her fourth husband tomorrow. Lily Van der Woodsen, you are a rock star. The two women head off to the concert to be honest with Dan. At the concert, Vanessa confronts G about her duplicity, and asks "Sarah" if there's anything she wants to tell her. G stalks away, and Dan chases after her after Vanessa gives him a shorthand version of the lie. Georgina admits that her name is, indeed, Georgina, but tearfully tells him that she's in hiding because her abusive ex is after her. Quick on her feet, this one! Then she tells Dan that she's in love with him, and then quickly apologizes, and he suggests that they go somewhere quiet to talk. He takes her hand and they walk away as Lincoln Hawk takes the stage.

The Unholy Trinity approaches Vanessa looking for Georgina. Vanessa and Nate head off looking for Dan and Georgina as Serena approaches, also looking for Dan and Georgina. So in corner A we have Dan and G, in corner B we have Vanessa and Nate, in corner C we have Blair and Serena, and in corner D we have Lily Van Der Woodsen, finding herself once again backstage at a Lincoln Hawk concert. She and Rufus lock eyes as he sings a song clearly inspired by her a lifetime ago, and she comes to a decision and walks away. Rufus, bailing on his encore, runs offstage after her and she asks him repeatedly to "get out of her way." They kiss outside in the street as Georgina calls S from Dan's cell phone. She tells Serena that she should still be afraid of her, and that "all bets are off." G hangs up on Serena and kisses Dan. Oh, we officially have a couple grosser than Nate and Vanessa. Ew.

Next week: the season finale! The Van Der Bass wedding! Punches and extensions fly through the air! Oh, happy day!

Well, kudos to commenters SohoLove and everyone who agreed - Serena's not a murderess. And neither is Georgina (although she's more culpable than S in this.) This episode was pretty darned perfect, if you ask me - reuniting Chuck, Nate and Blair, pushing Lily and Rufus back together, and eliminating Little J entirely. But really, I worry about your feelings more than my own. So...dish!

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