'Idol' Gives Back 2008: Minute-by-Minute
On Thursday (April 10) night, American Idol will eliminate another contestant, punishment for Tuesday's mighty mediocre Inspirational Songs Night. But Wednesday is all about giving back, which is why the 150 minute telethon is called, um, Idol Gives Back. But if it's Wednesday and Idol is on, I'm recapping. So here it goes...
Before I start this recap, let me rehash some of what I said last year before the beginning of Idol Gives Back.
From January to May, much of what I do for a living is dedicated to making fun of American Idol, to trying to take the nation's most popular TV show down a peg or two for its bloated largesse and its springtime monopoly of the media landscape. I mock tone-deaf singers, sloppy clip packages, bumbling performances, garish costumes and awkward attempts to shoehorn product plugs into the most unnecessary of contexts. American Idol is sometimes a glorious pageant, but it's often just plain funny. I sort of prefer the latter. It makes my job easier.
But I don't have any interest in mocking Idol Gives Back. I don't care if the show's motives are 100% altruistic or 75% altruistic/25% self-serving or 15% altruistic/85% pure evil, but raising $76 million for charitable causes is an absolutely good. And I feel that way even if there have been some questions as to the speedy dispersal of funds from last year's show and even if the ultra right wing listserve that I somehow found myself on -- Do you not understand what "unsubscribe" means? -- tried telling me that some of the organizations getting money aren't properly aligned with their bizarre version of Christian fundamentalism. Yes, it's a mighty preachy thing for a mentally deficient reality television show to take a one-night break from consumerist excess and relentless hand-over-fist moneymaking to try teaching viewers the importance of healing the world, either with good acts or money or whatever you can muster. But that doesn't mean it isn't a good thing.
Just because it's a good thing doesn't mean that Wednesday night's Idol Gives Back special will actually be good TV. It will be abusively long, periodically condescending and, if we're lucky, maybe Zombie Elvis will be back. And if those things happen, I want to be able to make jokes.
So I went over to the Idol website and either made a donation or bought absolution for whatever mockery is coming. I could tell you how many mosquito nets I bought for African children, but that's not what charity's about (even if Ryan Seacrest is going to give us exact dollar amounts spend by some guilty corporate sponsors).
If you feel like doing a little guilt-driven good deed yourself, here's the handy link...
In any case, the following is a minute-by-minute recap of Wednesday's Idol Give Back, plus the Tigers-Red Sox game I'm watching at the same time.
It's gonna be a long one...
7:30 p.m. ET. To heck with regular primetime. If Idol wants to start at 7:30, Idol gets to start at 7:30. Because Ryan Seacrest hosted the Kodak Theatre portion of the show, which was recorded on Sunday, and he's also handling the live footage from the show's regular stage, that means Double Seacrest tonight. Double Seacrest? 150 minutes? Somehow I think Seacrest's initial estimates of 30 million viewers will be inflated. Last night's show, after all, averaged 24 million.
7:31 p.m. The show's opening performances come from people some viewers will recognize as the most recent cast of FOX's So You Think You Can Dance. They're joined by the Top Eight singing "Don't Stop the Music." Thankfully, the Idol contestants are moved to the side very quickly because, let's be clear, none of them have any stage presence and So You Think You Can Dance gang is fantastic.
7:34 p.m. NASCAR champ Jimmy Johnson is the first person to introduce the Idol Gives Back call-in number, which just happens to be 1-877-IDOL-AID.
7:37 p.m. George Lopez makes an appeal to viewers who hablan Espanol. Then again, the numeric system is the same in English and Spanish, isn't it? Michael Johns' countrywoman Kylie Minogue makes a similar appeal to people who speak English, but sound like Yahoo Serious.
7:39 p.m. Maria Shriver arrives on stage to the strains of "Maria" from West Side Story. That's just wrong. She quotes both Gandhi and an ancient Hopi prayer, which is as versatile as being a Kennedy married to a Republican governor.
7:41 p.m. Last year's most annoying celebrity Ben Stiller is back, joking about how his Whitney Houston cover album, titled Stiller Whips Whitney's Ass For Charity, lost $3.2 million for Idol Gives Back. His new goal? To raise a googillion dollars. But Ben, that sounds crazy! He responds, "Isn't that what American Idol is all about? Convincing crazy people they can be on television?"
7:43 p.m. Jennifer Connelly wants African children to have clean drinking water. Jennifer Connelly stunning. Therefore, African children deserve clean drinking water. I know she has an Oscar now and everything, but I miss Career Opportunities Era Jennifer Connelly.
7:45 p.m. Snoop Dogg and Charlie Wilson perform and the Red Sox get on the board.
7:50 p.m. Most days, Triple H would want to rip off your head and drink your blood. Tonight, he just wants you to give to charity.
7:51 p.m. Sorry. But could they have had Paula Abdul make her commentary about the high percentage of American children who are obese (while so many other children still go hungry) when she wasn't standing next to a man who spent a chunk of his wealth on radical stomach-stapling surgery? Randy's my dawg, but that's the sort of irony I'd try to avoid.
7:54 p.m. Teri Hatcher/ James Denton jokes are *so* 2005 and throwing in Carrie Underwood only barely helps. Hatcher's version of "Before He Cheats" is a bit pitchy, but I love Band From TV, with Greg Grunberg on drums, Denton on guitar and Jesse Spencer on fiddle.
7:57 p.m. I don't ever want to hear Mary Murphy's voice again. Please contribute so she'll be quiet. It's funny, because she's annoying. It's also annoying, because she's annoying.
8:00 p.m. The Jonas Brothers?!? OMG!!!
8:01 p.m. How many people in the audience are aware that Billy Crystal had a minor league at bat this spring? And who cares? He welcomes either Miley Cyrus or Hannah Montana, whichever one most closely resembles Danny Noriega. Cyrus and Crystal make jokes about how she's young and he's old. She also manages to plug her two CDs and her movie, wedging that information smoothly into the charity special. See? He's never heard of her! And she's never heard of him!
8:06 p.m. Yeah. I prefer Hannah Montana. I hope she performs later. Because then? Then? Then, we'd have the best of both worlds!
8:07 p.m. Whoa. Creepy. It's Ryan Seacrest II at the CBS Studio. I'd call in, but only if I could talk to Kristy Lee Cook. Live Seacrest says we're already over $15 million, but Bono cautions me that that isn't enough. After meeting Sophia, an African girl with AIDS, many viewers may agree.
8:15 p.m. In her latest movie, Julianne Moore plays a chilly, emotionally frigid woman who wants you to give to charity.
8:16 p.m. I went to college with John Legend. He wasn't called John Legend back then. I didn't actually know him or anything, but it's either that or talk about Fergie's rubber pants.
8:18 p.m. Dude. Heart. Yeah, they're a bit old. But damn. As amazing as it is to see Heart, the Idol producers seem determined to keep my eyes glued to Fergie's pants, which are technological marvels capable of standing up to cartwheels.
8:26 p.m. Ryan wants to make it clear that the Idol contenders aren't the only people answering the phone. He means that to be reassuring, but what if I really only want to hear Amanda Overmyer's whiskey-soaked voice?
8:27 p.m. The combination of a Tigers rally on one TV and Patriots-slayer Eli Manning on the other makes this a very bad moment for this New England sports fan.
8:35 p.m. It's been said before many times many wears, but it bears repeating: David Beckham should never speak. We're up to $18 million dollars, which is good. Bono, though, still isn't satisfied. Annie Lennox is downright miserable.
8:42 p.m. Seemingly crying in Africa just seconds earlier, Lennox hits the stage to give the night's best performance thus far, or at least its most emotional.
8:49 p.m. Last year, Idol made Celine Dion perform with Zombie Elvis. This year, she's in South Africa. I wonder if she misses Zombie Elvis.
8:50 p.m. Jimmy Kimmel shows up and makes some stale jokes about how tight Simon Cowell's shirts are and how his man-boobs are the size of the Olsen Twins. OK. Fine. That part was funny. Then he goes back to nipple jokes.
8:52 p.m. Kimmel cuts to a montage of Simon discovering how many American children don't have health insurance. It's a great cause. But Kimmel's presence has be contemplating something disquieting: Will Idol Gives Back be able to equal the star wattage Kimmel stirred up for his "I'm F***ing Ben Affleck" video? And if it can't, what does that teach us about Hollywood?
8:55 p.m. Sincere Simon scares me just a little. "Jimmy Kimmel, I just want to say how much I love the Jay Leno show," Simon adds, before introducing the return of Carrie Underwood, shouting powerfully through George Michael's "Praying For Time." Somewhere Eli Stone is very confused.
9:04 p.m. Ellen DeGeneres didn't have time to host Idol Goes Back, but she found time to record a filmed plea, one that starts with "Hi, it's me... Oprah."
9:05 p.m. You want to talk about true generosity? Gloria Estefan has forgiven American Idol for what John Stevens did to "Music of My Heart" four years ago.
9:07 p.m. First Kimmel. Now Sarah Silverman, initially doing her Randy Jackson impression. "There's so much amazing talent on stage right now," she says (standing alone). But Silverman finds nothing funny about the number of children killed by malaria each year. Neither does Forest Whitaker, in Africa highlighting the need for resources as seemingly simple (to our Western minds) as nets and basic medical supplies.
9:09 p.m. Sure, I could go to the Idol website to donate, but then I wouldn't get to talk to Clifford the Muppet. To heck with that.
9:13 p.m. British Prime Minster Gordon Brown pops up to simultaneously pledge the equivalent of $200 million in mosquito netting and teach millions of Americans that the prime minister of England is Gordon Brown.
9:17 p.m. Reese Witherspoon is a bit like Brooke White, only awesome. She may be The World's Oscar-Winning Nanny. She only got to go to New Orleans, though. I hope she went to Jacques-Imo's while she was down there. Perhaps the best meal I've ever eaten. It's important to remember that outside of the touristy areas, there's still an awful lot of The Big Easy that needs rebuilding.
9:21 p.m. The night's second Top Eight Group Sing is set to "Seasons of Love," a song which, if nothing else, was designed to be sung by a group. I'm not a big Rent fan, but thanks, American Idol Top Eight, for reminding America of just how good the original cast recording of this song is.
9:25 p.m. Dane Cook isn't funny. He does, however, have a very popular MySpace page. They aren't the same thing, though the media often confuses the two.
9:32 p.m. Ashley Tisdale, I miss your old nose. Vanessa Hudgens, I don't judge you.
9:33 p.m. Miley's back. We're not worthy of Hannah Montana. Why is this 15-year-old girl wearing Fergie's pants? And why is she bumping and grinding around the stage? Oh yeah. Right. For charity.
9:36 p.m. Miley and that guy who plays her dad on Hannah Montana (I kid, tween girls!) went to Kentucky. Because she didn't want to make the poor children jealous, Miley didn't wear make-up or hair products to visit their trailer.
9:38 p.m. Want proof that American Idol knows its target demo? Miley Cyrus has received about twice as much screentime tonight as the Top Eight.
9:39 p.m. Ladies and gentlemen... Your Russian Idol. Oh no. Wait. That's Robin Williams dusting off his Moscow on the Hudson schtick and ripping off Yakov Smirnoff's old routine. The camera catches an unamused Simon, who seems to agree that Yakov Smirnoff is getting utterly screwed here.
9:42 p.m. Just remember... In Soviet Union, TV watches you!
9:43 p.m. Woops. Now he's stealing from Borat.
9:44 p.m. What a country.
9:49 p.m. Tyra Banks thinks giving back to charity is fierce.
9:50 p.m. Hmmm... So I need somebody to introduce Brad Pitt and pay tribute to the City of New Orleans at the same time. Who would be perfect? I'm thinking... David Spade?
9:52 p.m. Geez, squealing fans at the Kodak Theatre... Where were you when Brad Pitt needed you for The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford?
9:54 p.m. How strange that for all the hype about Pitt's appearance, he's really just here to introduce Daughtry. Anybody else have any doubts that the audio we're hearing from Daughtry playing for kids in Uganda was re-recorded in Hollywood? And as for the African kids being encouraged to try to sing along to a song they've never heard in a language they don't know... Sorry. Too much snark. Good for Daughtry.
10:02 p.m. We knew that two hours wouldn't be enough time to contain Idol Gives Back. It turns out that 150 minutes wasn't enough either, as Mariah Carey, accompanied by Randy Jackson on bass, has some singing to do. Randy doesn't instruct her on the difficulties of covering Mariah.
10:05 p.m. Dressed all in white, the Top Eight close out the show in spiritual fashion. Why is Syesha wearing shorts? And why does the song end in a shouting contest between David Cook and Carly Smithson?
10:06 p.m. I don't want to be a downer, but on last year's show, Seacrest kept updating us on the dollar figures regularly and the show was well over $30 million before the end of its East Coast airing. Should we read anything into the lack of updates since the $19 million mark?
10:07 p.m. Well, I hope you've enjoyed this installment of Miley Cyrus Gives Back. Remember that website, eh?
What'd you think of the show? Did you watch all of it? Bits and pieces? Or not a second?
And remember to come back tomorrow, when American Idol puts aside the charity and eliminates somebody.
Ivan Yakinoff was the best guest of the show.
anonymus49 | Apr 9, 2008 6:51:02 PM | #Except for the opening dance number, I enjoyed Fienberg's precis more than the show.
Billy Crystal is an embarrassment to Borsht Belt comedians. Anywhere but Hollywood, an orange-tanned little old man telling a 15 yr old to imagine him naked is a felony.
And Gordon Brown stomped George W.'s ass on World Leader Idol; $200,000,000 and a great baritone. Top that, GW.
I agree with dub1. After the opening dance number, it totally went downhill.
And.. I secretly covet Miley's See You Again.. and I'm definitely fifteen years past being a tween-tard! lol
Stacy | Apr 9, 2008 9:11:09 PM | #Miley 2 Hannah 0 ???
Come on.
idolDad | Apr 9, 2008 9:37:56 PM | #Rich spoiled people begging on behalf of poor people
sownk | Apr 10, 2008 12:22:12 AM | #The 1 reason I didn't watch Idol Gives back this year? I was still recovering from watching that awful Ben Stiller bit last year. Glad I missed it. Not only more Ben Stiller, but also Snoopdog? Gross!
edgar | Apr 10, 2008 12:37:17 AM | #edgar, ben stiller was *worse* than last year, and snoopdog had a cutout on his hand like a little girl's dollar-store tiara that spelt out his name so you could remember who he was while he 'sang'. And syesha hogged the camera like a little girl in a dollar-store tiara.
dub1 | Apr 10, 2008 2:25:36 AM | #$200 million from the UK ...wow
nickie | Apr 10, 2008 2:29:12 AM | #$200 million from the UK ...wow
nickie | Apr 10, 2008 2:29:18 AM | #The whole show was incredibly LAME (compared to last year's). Shove a bunch of celebrites in our faces who are begging US to give money, without any mention of what they're donating (if at all)? I don't think so. At least last year Ellen DeGenerate (not a spelling mistake) mentioned how she personally was putting up $150,000 toward IGB. I can't stand Miley Cyrus, probably now more than ever. She's a terrible singer.
Ben Stiller was just as good this year, and the Jimmy Kimmel bit was pretty funny too. I didn't find Robin Williams "Russian Idol Winner" all that amusing at all.
The best part of the show? Teri Hatcher, whose outfit again reminded us so well of what we learned about her on Seinfeld several years back: "they're real....and they're spectacular!"
Rico | Apr 10, 2008 3:10:10 AM | #Ok, so what part of the show was live and what part had already been taped last Sunday?
Amy | Apr 10, 2008 4:26:01 AM | #they should have challenge the stars not just to appear to appeal but to donate a sizeable amount, $500,00 too much?? =) (reverse talent fee) =) imagine how much money they could have raised =)
hmmmm | Apr 10, 2008 4:55:40 AM | #BTW - I thought Brad Pitt was just soooooooooooo hot!
Rico | Apr 10, 2008 5:27:27 AM | #I'm thinking you were very charitable to Terri Hatcher's performance. Was expecting more commentary on how awful she was the further she got into the song.
Thanks to my DVR I watched what I wanted to see of the night in 15 minutes and after your commentary only went back to see the SYTYCD dancers who were the best part of the show by far!!!!!
Of course Brad Pitt is hot. Fegie is hot, Terri Hatcher is hot....etc. Even Miley Cyrus knows that sex sells (or gets people to shell out money for charity)of she wouldn't have been touching her own a$$ and writhing around on the floor as any wholesome 15 year old would during a charity event. She'll be Lindsay Lohan in 5 years. Way to target your tween audience X2.
Being way older than Miley Cyrus, I appreciated Billy Crytal, Robin Williams and Kimmells jokes about Simon's hair being parted by Moses.
Whatever raises the money but, I don't think Jerry Lewis's telethons needed quite so much skin to raise money for his charity.
BTW.....just kidding!!!!! Brad Pitt looks like trailer trash. Definitely NOT hot.
Rico | Apr 10, 2008 7:09:25 AM | #dub1, in the last 7 years, GW Bush has convinced Congress to give $40 BILLION to AIDS relief in Africa. This has been a cornerstone of his foreign policy since the beginning. Thousands of people are alive today because of this.
Democrats don't have a monopoly on giving, and Republicans don't have a monopoly on being jerks. Leave politics out of this discussion.
Cornelius | Apr 10, 2008 7:33:26 AM | #Bush has given BILLIONS to aids relief in Africa:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/12/30/AR2006123000941.html
Dont let your politics make you a fool.
Love to all.
Salt | Apr 10, 2008 7:38:36 AM | #I loved the show how they ended it with "Shout to the Lord", however what ended it for me was showing Ben Stiller after it mouthing off bad words(thank goodness for the blips)! Couldn't they just have ended it with the song.
Donna | Apr 10, 2008 7:38:41 AM | #I liked the show overall. What I didn't like was that they went over the allotted time, even though most of it was pre-recorded. My DVR cut out just as Mariah Carey started singing. Is there no way to fix this problem? AI always runs long.
laura | Apr 10, 2008 7:59:27 AM | #Boring, boring, boring, and did I mention, boring.
Amber | Apr 10, 2008 8:24:09 AM | #Excellent recap. I am so glad to see I am not the only person who does not get Miley Cyrus.
Wendy | Apr 10, 2008 9:06:30 AM | #I totally agree that Idol Gives Back is an absolute good. It is so cool for the most popular show on television to take a break from numbing the minds of America to take a night to inform people about the problems of the world and get people involved with solving them. It's just such a good thing. (Yes, bought a couple mosquito nets too) I watched with my teenage cousin who asked why there is an AIDS epidemic in Africa. It is great that Idol caused her to spend a few minutes wondering about it. Yay Idol.
And Dude! Good call on Jacques Imo's. Many of the best meals I have ever had were there (Maple street, uptown. Go there now.). I hope that Reese got to go there but judging by her figure, she did not partake in the garlic-butter soaked corn bread muffins, crawfish etouffee or creme brulee.
Andrea | Apr 10, 2008 9:07:03 AM | #Of course, Brad Pitt is still soooo hot!!!! Happy to say he's from my home town and he does not put on any airs when he comes for a visit. At least he's out there doing something to help rebuild!
Also, one of my fav. parts was with the Manning brothers because I'm a football fan. Turns out "Mr. Uncool Before the Superbowl" Eli is a pretty good speaker!
Wendy | Apr 10, 2008 9:08:58 AM | #After Miley talked about her two hit albums and she sang twice; don't you figure the top eight were sitting there thinking, well lets just say bad things about her.
Honestly Miley wouldn't make the top 24 I'm not terrible sure if she would make it to hollywood.
jbw | Apr 10, 2008 9:13:28 AM | #An error with the opening number. You mention it is just the most recent cast of So You Think You Can Dance. It is actually a mix of all three seasons of the show. Winners Nick Lazzarini and Benji Schwimmer from the first two seasons were there, as well as Melody, Jamile, Ashle, Ryan, Travis, Donyelle, Dmitri and Ashlee.
All from the first two seasons. Anyways, just being knitpicky and giving credit to where credit is due. Those dancers rock. I love that show.
Mel | Apr 10, 2008 9:17:05 AM | #"Randy doesn't instruct her on the difficulties of covering Mariah." - hilarious line, thx
The World | Apr 10, 2008 9:32:40 AM | #****FOR THE RECORD, SEACREST UPDATED AT THE 26 MILLION DOLLAR MARK, TOO****
Jack | Apr 10, 2008 9:41:37 AM | #Oops - I meant that I really like Simon's chest hair.
Rico | Apr 10, 2008 10:42:06 AM | #I loved David Cook's mini solo on "Shout to the Lord"
anya | Apr 10, 2008 10:44:41 AM | #I WAS VERY DISAPPOINTED THAT SOME IDOL VIEWERS DID NOT GET TO SEE IDOL GIVES BACK.
THIS WAS DUE TO A PROBLEM THAT FOX 54 WAS HAVING.
I'M SURE THEIR ARE OTHERS OUT THERE WHO ALSO DID NOT GET TO WATCH.
I'M HOPING THAT I AM NOT ALONE IN PROTESTING TO FOX 54 TO RE-BROADCAST IDOL GIVES BACK!!!!!
Good to hear that I was not the only watching both "Idol Gives Back" and the Red Sox game...sadly, the Red Sox lost.
Please don't get me wrong - it's wonderful how many charities are involved and will benefit from last night's donations BUT I would rather see more of the money stay here in the United States. Seeing the poverty in Kentucky, Louisiana /New Orleans and other parts of the country and knowing that there are such HUGE highs and lows in terms of income in the US, I would like to give more to the poor in America and just maybe create a better balance. At least for a short time 'cause you know the rich always get richer and the poor always get poorer, and the number of poor increases exponentially.
Enough about that - I liked most of the show and hope that as close to a gagillion as possible was raised.
Ginni | Apr 10, 2008 12:01:06 PM | #Like Donna above, I was disappointed, no, make that shocked, that they would choose to put Stiller's profanity immediately after Shout to the Lord. I wanna know whose #*!?&/@^%$ idea that was !
Rick | Apr 10, 2008 1:21:39 PM | #Great piece, Daniel.
Absolutely HILARIOUS!
You nailed everything from Miley's grinding to Robin Williams' Yakov Smirnoff rip-off...BRAVO!
Ben Stiller is AWESOME and always will be!!!! IT WAS A JOKE!!!! People are way too uptight!!!!!!!!!! Like everyone else there, he was there for the cause!!!!! It is WRONG to condemn him!!!!
loulou | Apr 10, 2008 2:16:10 PM | #Besides, AI is/was trying to appeal to ALL audiences; and Stiller's appearance at the end had NOTHING to do with song before it!!!!! He was supposed to act like he was mad because he was asked to be there and then no one was there.
loulou | Apr 10, 2008 2:21:04 PM | #I'll correct myself by saying SOME people are way too uptight!!! Geez!!! SOME people act like it's the Dark Ages or something!!! I'm no spring chicken anymore, but I got Ben Stiller's joke and it made me laugh!
loulou | Apr 10, 2008 2:39:47 PM | #re: **malaria** relief.
This is apolitical, and nothing to do re: per capita and per GNP donations, in which European nations lead the world:
UK's Brown has an **awesome-o** baritone, so he'd still win World Leader Idol.
yep, last year's show was much better, and was the reason I watched this year. I want my 3 hours back!!! but please keep my $$.
dub1 | Apr 10, 2008 3:15:06 PM | #re: Amy "Ok, so what part of the show was live and what part had already been taped last Sunday?"
I was at the Sunday night show at the Kodak and the Idols on the telephone bits was live last night, not Sunday.
Everything else was taped on Sunday, although interestingly, the Teri Hatcher song was not part of the Sunday night perf. Perhaps they taped her earlier in the afternoon? If you notice, they don't show crowd shots beyond about the 3rd row so imagine that was taped in rehearsal last Sunday.
Mamba24 | Apr 10, 2008 6:14:12 PM | #My daughter and I were at the taping Sunday night in LA and it was all wonderfull. We really enjoyed every single moment of the show. We were surprised that they edited out John Legend's perfromance which came before he played piano for Fergie. His performance was worth keeping in the final editted version of the show. We would go again next year if we get the chance to. There is no better way to see it than live!!! We definately enjoyed every single preformance. Everyone looks so much better when you see them in person.
Kathy from Michigan | Apr 10, 2008 7:24:13 PM | #People seem to remember more
about her pants than what
the show was suppose to be
really about.
People seem to remember more
about her pants than what
the show was suppose to be
really about.
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