Once upon a time, there were 25 enormously desperate women incapable of finding a man on their own continent, and a man just vain enough to watch them fight for him on national television. Matt Grant, with your outrageously good dentistry, welcome to America. Yes, my darlings, it is time for 'The Bachelor: London Calling.' And although I am myself a 'Bachelor' virgin - unlike, oh, every single woman on this show - I look forward to guiding you through every last rose ceremony, jacuzzi date, and glass (or Lucite platform) slipper.

Matt Grant, a "proper English gentleman" whose parents are assuredly thrilled that he's sullying the family name thus, is the "first International Bachelor." (Someone versed in 'Bachelor' lore please help me out here - wasn't there an Italian prince contestant not too long ago?) He's looking for a mother to his future children, and he wants to start breeding right away. Apparently his parents are a bit older, and he wants his ailing father to "experience his grandchildren." He's a banker, and it sounds like he's in wealth management. Chris Harrison thinks the bachelorettes will be shocked - shocked! - that Matt is British. These women actually don't look like they'd shock easily, Chris. Or like they're wearing underwear, but that's beside the point.

The ladies begin to arrive via limo, and we meet Amanda R. - she has chronic hiccups and lived in England! Amy is wearing a prom dress with cutouts and offers her hand to be kissed! Devon is wearing a gold ballgown and big Texan hair! Kristine is too old to be here but at least doesn't simper at Matt, and Chelsea the arm-wrestler is too old to be here but lying about her age to an enormous degree. Giggly Erin H. is wearing a faux engagement ring as a "place-holder." Oy. Kelly is lovely and nervous. Rebecca is an exceedingly uptight-looking attorney, and Denise is a former aide to President Bush. Hot-dog vendor (not a euphemism!) Erin S. reminds me of Jillian Barberie, which isn't necessarily a good thing. Robin is so, so cute with her little Posh bob, and she also lived in England for a while. Ashlee is wearing a sequined minidress and is determinedly kooky. Biology student Alyssa is one of the few girls able to comfortably look Matt in the eye. Redheaded Michelle P. is going to be a spitfire. Brooke Hogan is a contestant!! Oh, wait, no, her name is Shayne. And she's an actress. Spectacular.

Ten more women arrive! Wow. Marshanna is lovely in a homemade sari and bindi with exposed midriff. Amanda P. is wearing a short ruffled pink prom dress and brings Matt a fuzzy dice, as she lives in Vegas. Classy! Tamara is a cocktail waitress and is genuinely simpery, but wearing a pretty Grecian gown. Holly is cuter than a button and writes children's books. Tiffany calls Matt "love" and sounds like Thelma Ritter. I may love her. Carri is a church marketer from Oklahoma who looks like Ellen Barkin and is already going in for a kiss on the lips. Stacey is a train wreck. A flaming, spectacular train wreck with a white-girl weave and a bedazzled stripper gown. And you know she ain't going home for a while. Lesley has brain bangs and...that's about it. Michele R. wrinkles up her nose when she talks and is an OC girl. Noelle is an adorably dimpled Coloradan. And that's the bunch. But don't get too attached! Because Matt sees 25 lovely ladies before him, but only 15 will continue on in the hopes of becoming America's Next Top Model. Oh, you know what I mean.

I suppose when you're in a group of 25, the best way to make a first impression is to make an impression. Period. Competing for the first impression rose? Oh, well, panties have to come off. And come off they do! Matt and the ladies raise a glass and he begins to circulate around the room, introducing himself. Erin S. mocks Matt's accent, which seems like a bad idea to me. Chelsea challenges Matt to an arm-wrestling match, and man alive does that girl have some arms, but Matt lets her win. Carri rips a piece out of a beer can with her TEETH. Rebecca does some sort of horrible chicken-train-robot dance. Rock-paper-scissors champion Michele R. seems to connect with Matt, which does not go unnoticed by the other women. Ashlee has written him a song! She sounds kind of like Jewel on a bender. Oh, Ashlee, please go home. Michelle P. pulls out a clarinet and...sucks on it. That's the most family-friendly way I can put it. And then Stacey. She swears, she runs her stripper shoe up Matt's thigh, she pulls off her underwear and thrusts them into Matt's hand. And then, thankfully, she passes out. Matt talks about his immediate attraction to Shayne, who is Lorenzo Lamas' daughter. Of COURSE she is! Noelle's dimples talk about her "grandma side." Robin and Matt make googly eyes at each other, and they're actually kind of adorable together. And Amanda R. gets the first impression rose.

Chris enters to pull Matt away for the first rose ceremony. Chelsea, Shayne, Michelle P, Marshana, Ashlee (no Matt! no!), Noelle, Erin S, Amy, Carri, Kristine (who?), Robin, Kelly, Holly, and Erin H join Amanda R on the safe list. The rejectorettes leave via limo, and the remaining girls toast their tremendous good fortune.

What do you think? Do you find these girls to be, by and large, appalling? Because I find these girls to be, by and large, appalling! But I think Robin could be on track to win this thing. What about you?

Comments

First time I've ever watched it. I found it ALL appalling.

I also find it hard to think this guy wants to "breed" with somebody who can eat a beer can.

Jan | Mar 18, 2008 7:30:24 AM | #

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I started to watch this, and just couldn't, just to creepy for me.

Annatree | Mar 18, 2008 7:52:27 AM | #

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Ashamed to say I know this, Jordan, but the Italian-prince guy was born and raised in the U.S. His family had a long and royal history in Italy, so he had the title as an honorary thing.

birdman | Mar 18, 2008 8:06:55 AM | #

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The quality of "the ladies" on this show has really dropped over time. It used to be that you could count on a couple of trashy women sprinkled among the average All-American women who thought it'd be fun to get on TV. It's hard to pick out any non-trashy women from this group (although Noelle seems to be kind of "normal"). The beer can girl and the musical women were really desparate. The queen of this all was that crazy chick with the underwear! She wants to "discover a pharmaceutical that cures something that no one's even thought of yet". Doesn't she have some family members or concerned friends who can maybe use this experience to get her some help? Yikes!

Reggie | Mar 18, 2008 9:21:12 AM | #

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I think Shayne said that her grandfather is Lorenzo Lamas.

Kissing Rain | Mar 18, 2008 2:38:39 PM | #

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Shayne's grandfather is Fernando Lamas, her father is Lorenzo.

For once I actually like the Bachelor himself, but the pool of women is definitely of much lower quality than before. I guess all the failed love matches have made women with a lick of sense not even bother applying.

Mia | Mar 18, 2008 3:02:47 PM | #

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I decided not to watch this series anymore, I'm so disappointed in the quality of women, and it's shameful that they're representing the American women. If the show continues to have such trashy people then I want nothing to do with it.

nancy | Mar 18, 2008 4:36:09 PM | #

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I decided not to watch this series anymore, I'm so disappointed in the quality of women, and it's shameful that they're representing the American women. If the show continues to have such trashy people then I want nothing to do with it.

nancy | Mar 18, 2008 4:36:19 PM | #

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Aw, common, this show is the best way I know to exercise your eyeballs. You'll be rolling them all night. Actually, I thought this crop of girls was a little better than the last bunch. I liked Amanda R right off the bat and she got the "first impression rose". Of course, things will go downhill from here, but I just gotta watch!

Marilyn | Mar 18, 2008 7:07:25 PM | #

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I think they need to start doing some mental health screenings in the selection process for "contestants." I don't think the ratings are going to be as good if it becomes a style Jerry Springer dating show - but then again, maybe that is what America wants to see. I don't, so I don't think I'll be watching the rest of this show.

Darlene | Mar 21, 2008 6:22:35 PM | #

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This is my second season watching this show. I almost hate to admit that but it's true. The women seem more desperate and lacking in class than ever. Also, the Bachelor seems more phony than in previous seasons. Ugh.

SandyDahling | Mar 31, 2008 8:00:17 PM | #

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Check out this Noelle video

bobby | Apr 9, 2008 12:08:27 AM | #

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Check out this Noelle video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUgoezyum4A

bobby | Apr 9, 2008 12:09:31 AM | #

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I THINK AMANDA AND NOELLE ARE THE ONLY TWO THAT ARE DOWN TO EARTH WOMEN. I SURE HOPE ONE OF THEM GETS THE LASR ROSE.

Ellen | Apr 15, 2008 10:19:24 AM | #

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I can not stand Robin and I hope all the other girls rip her apart

Kathy | Apr 15, 2008 7:48:29 PM | #

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OH MY GOD EVER ONE KNOWS WHO WINS ITS SO FAKE

M.JAMES | Apr 30, 2008 6:33:44 PM | #

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I CAN'T BELIEVE HE CHOSE SHAYNE THE ACTRESS. SHE'S ONLY 22 AND ACTS 12. I BET THEY NEVER MAKE IT. HE APPARENTLY DIDN'T TAKE A CLOSE LOOK AT HER MOM.MOST MEN GO FOR THE YOUNG AND TRASHY LOOK.

BJ | May 12, 2008 8:08:50 PM | #

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I thought it was lots of fun. Loved the trip to London and the return to Barbados. Never could understand the thing with Chelsea. She was such a put on and never came across as very comfortable. Shayne, even with the white blonde hair really did strike a chord of sincerity and warmth. She was fun. Who knows? This is just the beginning for them.

SLP | May 12, 2008 9:42:25 PM | #

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I think shayne was the right
one . People think because
you are blond, you are immature and to young.
I am 49 She was great for him
fun natural nice to all the girls in the house, who cares
if she is 22. I liked her the
best from the start. She takes
care of herself. and looks Great anyone that says diff.
is jealous. She brought him to
life. THIS IS A LOVE MATCH
BEST BACHELOR, other girl
DRIP

joanie | May 12, 2008 10:40:18 PM | #

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I think shayne was the right
one . People think because
you are blond, you are immature and to young.
I am 49 She was great for him
fun natural nice to all the girls in the house, who cares
if she is 22. I liked her the
best from the start. She takes
care of herself. and looks Great anyone that says diff.
is jealous. She brought him to
life. THIS IS A LOVE MATCH
BEST BACHELOR, other girl
DRIP

joanie | May 12, 2008 10:40:22 PM | #

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I REALLY HOPE THE COUPLE MAKE IT TOGETHERFOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFE BUT I HAVEN'T SEEN ANY ONE LIKE THRIS AND RYNE AND THEY ARE SO HAPPY AND HAVVE A NEW BABY BUT IT WAS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.WILL SHAYNE STAY WITH MATT NOW OR GO BACK TO HR HOME TOWN? I THINK THE BAD PART IS SHE IS ACTRESS AND THEY CAN'T BE TOGETHER LIKE THEY SHOULD. HOPE THEY CAN MAKE IT TOGETHER BUT WE KNOW HOW MANY THAT HAS. ADRIAN

ADRIAN ROBERTS | May 15, 2008 10:30:44 PM | #

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