'American Idol' Top Eight Men Perform

Tuesday (March 4) marks one of the most important nights of the electoral process. No, silly, not the Texas and Ohio primaries. It's the start of the final week of gender segregation on American Idol, before we integrate into the Top 12. How did The '80s treat the Top Eight Men?

Singer: LUKE MENARD
Song: "Wake Me Up [Before You Go-Go]"
My Take: Does Luke not understand that a big part of Wham's popularity (by "a big part," I mean "nearly all") was based on George Michael's charisma and performance flair? Luke seems to think that the world just loves a lilting falsetto. Vocally he's inoffensive and whiny, but his stage presence is dreadful. If you can't get the audience clapping along to this particular song, you're not even good enough to share the stage with Snoopy at Knott's Berry Farm and Luke is satisfied with standing in place and smiling. Only Luke could make me wish Robbie Carrico were still around.
Flora, Meriweather and Simon Say: Randy asks if he had a good time. Luke agrees that he did. Randy determines that he "kind of got it together in the end," minor corniness aside. Paula makes some icky reference to George Michael's shorts and says that she loves Luke's instrument. "I thought it was weak, a bit girly," says Simon, who adds that Luke has no chance of winning, much less making it to the Top 12.

Singer: DAVID ARCHULETA
Song: "Another Day in Paradise"
My Take: Or as I like to refer to him, "Presumptive American Idol Winner David Archuleta." At this stage in the game, we haven't had a winner so predetermined since Fantasia and Carrie Underwood basically ran the tables in Seasons Three and Four. Unless this David has also been stripping at gay clubs, I think he's going to be mighty hard to derail. Certainly as long as he sticks to ultra-serious issue-oriented ballads, how can anybody insult him? But let me try: Why did David bother with the piano? Did he play more than two notes? Talk about not-worth-the-effort. He should almost be penalized for misusing the prop. David's vocals are ultra-earnest and unremarkable, taking the least ambitious path through this Phil Collins standard. He's dull, but better-than-Menard.
Flora, Meriweather and Simon Say: Randy says this was like watching a concert, though it didn't show off David's "vocal prowess." Randy calls David on pitch problems -- Uh-oh, he's gonna get hate mail! -- but Paula loved this sign that David isn't a robot, that his imperfections prove his perfections. Yeah. That's what they prove. Simon warns David that he wants to avoid being gloomy. Simon asks to see David's fun side. David makes a plea on behalf of the homeless worldwide.

Singer: DANNY NORIEGA
Song: "Tainted Love"
My Take: First off, does anybody honestly believe that being tripped at the movie was Danny's most embarrassing moment? I sure don't. Second of all, has there every been a more fabulously campy performance in American Idol history than Danny's cover of Soft Cell? That's not necessarily meant as a compliment, but Danny's work tonight will certainly mobilize his fanbase. Sashaying around the stage with purple hair, a matching purple shirt, uncomfortably tight pants and the same gray-and-black scarf that seems to be making its rounds of the Idol men, Danny's husky whisper is either hilariously brilliant or just hilarious. This is the best performance of "Tainted Love" Hannah Montana could possibly give.
Flora, Meriweather and Simon Say: Randy's got a mixed review. He says Danny started a bit rough, but that he sold it by the end. Danny vows to be more confident in the future. Paula loves that Danny has a sensitive side to him and a spicy side also. She says that he looks fabulous, but tells him to lose the purple streaks. Simon thought it was horrible, "absolutely useless." Amidst much eye-rolling, Danny literally brushes Simon's words (or a symbolic representation of them) from his shoulder.

Singer: DAVID HERNANDEZ
Song: "It's All Coming Back to Me Now"
My Take: Hmmm... Despite a really strong performance last week, David Hernandez was probably suffering from low name recognition. The good news? Everybody knows who he is now. The bad news? Everybody mostly knows him as "that guy who gave lapdances to other men for money." I've never believed that there's no such thing as bad publicity, but if that's the case, this is a big boon for David. Meanwhile, I have my doubts that David's most embarrassing moment ever really involved a booger. It's not a very engaged performance from David, who refuses to embrace Meatloaf's inherent cheese. I don't know that Mr. Loaf should ever be taken quite this seriously, but beyond a few sharp notes, it's a fine vocal turn.
Flora, Meriweather and Simon Say: Randy liked the song choice, but thought David overshot some of the notes. Paula thinks David's finding his groove and getting into his niche. She compliments his vocals. David expresses his love. Simon says he prefers David as a Soul Man, but that he's 100 percent secured his place in the Top 12. We'll see about that.

Singer: MICHAEL JOHNS
Song: "Don't You Forget About Me"
My Take: Strangely, I don't doubt that getting beaten up by a rugby team while wearing a kangaroo costume in front of 20,000 people may possibly have been Michael's most embarrassing moment. Like David Hernandez, Michael is singing just over nearly every note. He's better than last week, but I confess that he has me checking CNN for election returns. I think Michael may be the person most capable of breaking up the Archuleta Juggernaut, but all this performance did is remind me that Michael is old enough to remember The Breakfast Club. Voters got rid of Jason Yeager and Robbie Carrico at least partially because she seemed too old and too polished for this competition and I may start feeling the same way about Michael if he doesn't watch it.
Flora, Meriweather and Simon Say: Randy loved Michael's song choice. Paula's glad that Michael's defining who he is and she loves his "hopping thing." What? You're saying since he's Australian, he's part-marsupial? Simon suggests that Michael is also better as a soul singer than a wannabe rock singer and he compares him to several of the girls who aren't necessarily finding the right songs.

Singer: DAVID COOK
Song: "Hello"
My Take: While I assume that this is a well-established arrangement of the poppier tune by Nicole Richie's daddy, but it's still effective piece of semi-rock transposition for David. This is absolutely the most I've liked The Comb-Over Kid. Maybe he needs to go murky and slightly emo every week, because it helps mute his natural smugness.
Flora, Meriweather and Simon Say: You know what Randy loved about it? He thinks the emo-ified arranged could be a single. Paula agrees that it could be a hit today, predicting that David's going to be a great shining star. Simon calls it brave and says he loved it.

Singer: JASON CASTRO
Song: "Hallelujah"
My Take: I had to check this out, but the Leonard Cohen original for "Hallelujah" was released in 1984 (talk about a song that seems utterly timeless). Of course, Jason's really singing the Jeff Buckley version, which he doesn't quite have the pipes to pull off, particularly in the upper register. But after hiding behind a guitar for two weeks and totally punting on the melody last week, this was a performance he had to give. Jason still resembles a goofy Muppet and I'd be wanting him to take a drug test every single week, but it takes the nerves of a burglar to cover this song and it takes a respectable voice not to destroy it.
Flora, Meriweather and Simon Say: It's one of Randy's favorite songs and he gives Jason props for trying it out. Paula thought he sounded "effortless with ease." Actually, effortless is the one thing it didn't sound to me. But I'm not Paula. She raves about his phrasing, which is again, not really Jason's phrasing. Simon calls it "absolutely brilliant."

Singer: CHIKEZIE
Song: "All the Woman That I Need"
My Take: Randy always tells the women about the courage it takes to cover Whitney, but what does it take for a man to do it? Chikezie's starting to prove that he may have the best voice of any man this season. He's got immense range and the best falsetto going. But some of the assertiveness and presence that he exhibited last week is missing tonight, though I'm not sure why.
Flora, Meriweather and Simon Say: Randy says he wasn't sure at first, but that it was ultimately really good. Paula's proud of Chikezie. Simon is stuck on the Whitney-ness of it, calling it cabaret, taunting the audience with "You can boo all you want."

TONIGHT'S BEST: It was a much better week for the men. The only awful performance was from Luke and even people who will hate Danny's "Tainted Love" will be hard pressed not to find it memorable. My favorites? Probably David Cook and Jason Castro.

IN DANGER: Get rid of Luke Menard already. I can't see him not going home. But who's going to join him? Will mocking Santa (and turning in a love-it/hate-it performance) do Danny in? Will his stripping past hurt David Hernandez? Will the gender-bending song doom Chikezie? I know there isn't an iota of a chance of his going home, but I would actually put David Archuleta in my Bottom Three for this week's performance.

Agree? Disagree? Sound off on the Idol men.

And check out our full Idol coverage over at Zap2it's Guide to American Idol.

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