'The Biggest Loser': Home again, home again, jiggity jog

Our remaining competitors head home for a week to find out if they can live The Biggest Loser life in the real world. They are all greeted with welcome-home parties, and either their friends and family have a cruel sense of humor or the producers conspired to make things as difficult as possible. How else do you explain parties stocked with donuts, Danishes, cookies and cakes? Who does that to people on a weight-loss show?

I normally have an appetizer of fried spoilers.

Some of it makes sense, I guess. I can buy Bernie's mom breaking out the coffee cake because "not everyone's on a diet." You get the impression that feeding guests well is just part of her entertaining repertoire, and she doesn't see any reason to change.

How the competitors deal with the temptations is also interesting. Bernie sees the sweets that his mom brought and laughs. Mark sees donuts and brownies and throws them out. His young son is snacking on a donut, and Mark takes it out of his hands. When the kid (who can't be more than four or five) takes another one, Mark tries to get it again. The kid hides under the table with it. Mark pries it out of his hands anyway. Oh, dear -- I understand (and endorse) trying to get your family to eat healthy, but snatching food from their hands and announcing they can never eat this stuff again? That's a recipe for some serious food issues.

Jay handles things better. He eats out with his family, and while he and the rest of the adults make healthy choices, the kids get fish and chips. Instead of sending it back and getting the kids salads, Jay takes half the food off the plate and puts it aside so the kids don't gorge on fried food. They get to eat what they want, but they don't go overboard. Good move, Jay.

And then there are those who get less support. Paul goes out to a restaurant that serves his favorite hot wings, and gets a heaping platter put in front of him. Another friend orders him a dessert that's approximately the size of his head. Way to be supportive, folks! I'm not saying you need to change your lives to accommodate Paul, but at least have the decency not to shove things down his throat. (Of course, Paul doesn't fight too hard.)

When everyone gets back, the trainers get extravagantly hard-ass on their team members. Bob looks like he's going to have a stroke when Dan admits he had some wine. Jillian glares daggers at Brittany, who admits to eating a tiny piece of pizza and a single chocolate chip cookie. Most of her ire is directed at Paul, who never picked up the phone when she called. Paul's in trouble!

The challenge
Three members of each team have to face a "giant spinning diabolical contraption" (TM Dan), which has flimsy bars that they have to alternately jump over and duck under. Fall off the mat or break the bar, you're out. The winning team gets to pick two members of the opposite team to weigh in immediately.

Mark, Paul and Kelly sit out this challenge. Mark bugs, predictably, because he doesn't just cheer on his team, he also celebrates when a member of the other team messes up. Shut it, Mark.

Roger tries some psychology -- why don't we call it a draw? Everybody break the bar at once. Team Black declines. Brittany ends up being the last woman standing -- she's just a machine, isn't she? They choose Dan and Roger to weigh in immediately.

The weigh-in
I have no idea what happened this week. I'm sorry, but it's just not healthy to lose 16 pounds in a week when you're not under medical supervision. It's crazy.

Team Blue completely dominates -- Dan loses 11 pounds, Mark loses 13, and both Roger and Jay lose 16. As a team, they drop 56 pounds, or 5.67% of their combined body weight. Holy crap.

In comparison, Team Black suffers. They put up the sort of numbers mere mortals could achieve (on a very, very good week, or possibly after stomach flu). Brittany loses 3 pounds (in the real world, an amazing result), while Kelly is the biggest loser at 7 pounds. They lose 26 pounds total, or 2.42% of their total combined body weight.

The elimination
At this point, Paul gets pissy. It's us against them! Since Kelly has immunity, he figures he'll be the one booted, even though he's the strongest member on the team (in his own humble estimation.) He goes so far as to wear his yellow shirt, symbolizing how it's really about him and Kelly, not about Team Black, and blah blah blah. More of the victimization rag that Team Black loves so much.

Well, Paul may be paranoid, but that didn't mean they weren't out to get him -- he gets booted. At the look-at-me-now interview, Paul reveals that he immediately contracted double pneumonia after getting home and gained weight in the hospital. He's now down 64 pounds.

Highlights, thoughts and odds and ends

• Hey, Bernie's a Chicago boy! I didn't know that. Yet another reason for me to love him. Plus, how can you not respect a guy who has a cupcake named after him -- and still resists eating it?
• Choice quote from Paul, confronting his mom at the welcome home party: "Sprinkling bran cereal on cheesecake does not make it good for you." Hee!
• When Jillian grills her team on their eating habits at home, Maggie protests that she had noting but broiled fish the entire time. "I was sweating tilapia." Ew.
• Dan admits to having a glass of wine when he was home. One, or two? Asks Bob. Two, Dan admits -- "It was one glass... filled twice."
• What the heck was with the warning buzzer when the camera lingered on the soda at Paul's hot tub? That was a bit over the top.
• At the weigh-in, Alison points out that it's the first time Jay has beaten Mark at the scale. Jay lets out this whoop of triumph that makes me think he waited a lifetime for this. To his credit, mark looks proud.
• Another nice thing at the weigh-in: When Kelly is announced as the biggest loser on Team Black, Paul whoops and kisses her. It's very sweet.
• And then he has to go mess it up by getting all petulant with the yellow shirt. "We're the two outsiders!" Sigh.
• Brittany has some impressive Looks of Doom, doesn't she? I was afraid she was going to sprain something rolling her eyes that hard.

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