Oscars 2008 Red Carpet Rundown

Welcome, my little fashion-mongers, to the drama, the suspense, and the intrigue of the biggest event of the season -- the red carpet at the Academy Awards! Not the awards themselves, of course, as they're generally long and repetitious enough to make me want to disembowel myself with the heel of my own Louboutin. We are here for the clothes, people. The enormous shoulder bows! The white-girl weaves! Those horrible diamond shoes Stuart Weitzman digs out of the mothballs every year! Your intrepid fashion correspondent has a glass of champagne and a krazy straw and is ready to take on all comers. Let the games begin ...

6:00 p.m. - In flipping back and forth between ABC and E! and already I can tell you that "Fashion Skyway" is going to be my favorite phrase for the evening, and that George Pennachio is using Charlize Theron's tan-in-a-can. Jillian Barberie continues to be a moron, but she's a moron in collarbone-length earrings. E! has a correspondent in a camera-enabled hat which gives a sort of Cloverfield-esque sense of vertigo to the proceedings. Heh. Kimora Lee Simmons is concerned about Miley Cyrus dressing appropriately. Oh, pot, kettle, etc.

6:15 - It can't be easy being the first girl at the party, but Heidi Klum is pulling it off with panache. Not pulling it off with panache? George Pennachio, who chides her awkwardly for not wearing "top American designer Michael Kors." At least we know where George is on Wednesday evenings. Heidi looks gorgeous and relaxed in a red Galliano with a big ruffle around the neck (I know, but it works.)

6:20 - CLOONEY IS IN THE BUILDING! I mean, nobody's seen him yet. But still. <b>The Clooney</b> has landed. Randolph Duke is totally missing the point of Heidi's dress, which she will be auctioning off for the Heart Truth's Red Dress Campaign. Yes. So tell me again why this dress would be better in BLACK, Randolph? Geez. I have a feeling that there will be two fashion camps tonight: those wearing bright colors in celebration of the strike's end, and those dressing somberly in recognition of the sacrifices caused by the strike (Seacrest, clearly, going for the latter.) Amy Ryan is wearing a Calvin Klein toga dress that would have looked really fresh four years ago, but now just looks like capitulating. She knows she isn't going to win, and so does her dress.

6:30 - Tom Wilkinson is really, truly, too cool for the Oscars. I'm fairly certain he didn't shower today. I love him regardless. Michelle Tuzee on ABC claims that the Oscars red carpet supercedes New York and Milan Fashion Weeks. Ohhhhkay, Michelle. Marc Brown thinks that the Oscars are about the fans. Somebody whisper in that headset! Stop repurposing your People's Choice Award intros, Marc!  Jane Monreal can't tell Amy Ryan from Amy Adams, which ... good for Ryan, maybe not so much for Adams.

6:45 - Aww, little Saorise Ronan gets this year's "Abigail Breslin Award for Age-Appropriate Fashion." Clooney is there early to get in quickly and get a drink. He's adorable. He's finally bought a new tux! And his girlfriend is dressed as an Easter egg. There's beading? And pastel? And roses?  Mostly the men are really uninspired so far. There's only so much one can say about Jason Reitman. Anne Hathaway is wearing a red dress that's remarkably similar to the Ben de Lisi dress Kate Winslet wore 6 years ago, but looks lovely just the same. That's two red dresses for those of you keeping track.

7:00 - Apparently Ruby Dee, appropriately, was wearing red as well, so that's actually three red dresses. We've only seen her from afar but it appears that Amy Adams is making a misstep in something vaguely Gaultier.  John Travolta looks like he rubbed glue all over his head and someone threw fuzz at it in lieu of hair, and Kelly Preston is wearing orange. Why is The Rock here? Patrick Dempsey's makeup guru wife Jillian is wearing. ... RED! Steve Carell looks like Steve Carell. Miley Cyrus is wearing - you guessed it - red! And she's really vamping it up, which troubles me. Randolph Duke makes the astute observation that "the men are largely in tuxes and bow ties." As opposed to? Caftans? James McEvoy is elfin. Team Juno has arrived, including approximately 8 generations of Reitmans. Diablo Cody is, appropriately enough, in leopard print. Oh, there's a better look at Amy Adams. Yep, it's unfortunate. It's a forest green Proenza Schouler with conical breast detail.

7:15 - Helen Mirren! Wearing red! She's so gorgeous she hurts my eyeballs. WOW. Just wow. Cameron Diaz's dress doesn't fit her, poor little thing. Double-stick tape for next year, Cam. And, once again, she looks like she forget to do her hair. The detail on the dress is gorgeous though - the bodice looks like origami. And Gary Busey is literally attacking Laura Linney and Jennifer Garner on the red carpet. This is spectacular. Jennifer Garner looks traumatized. HA! Wow. That was awesome. Even Seacrest is flummoxed. Jennifer Garner's hair, makeup, dress, jewelry are all perfect. Maybe a little safe, but absolutely flawless. Keri Russell looks beautiful but, like Cameron Diaz, is maybe a little fair to wear a shell-pink dress? I think I would have liked her in a bit more of a color. Jessica Alba has, ah, grown.  She looks like she's about to grown right out of the top half of her dress, actually, but it's a lovely shade of aubergine and she really knows how to dress for her coloring. I don't love the marabou around the neckline though.

7:30 - Marion Cotillard is wearing a LITERAL mermaid dress. With scales. And a tail? At least a train. It's Gaultier and I know she'll be on a lot of worst-dressed lists for this, but I think she rocks it. Seacrest just called Sean Combs "The Did." Half of Jennifer Hudson is here, and wearing white no less! She should be proud. She looks fantastic. Tommy Lee Jones is trying to talk politics and nobody wants to hear it. Tilda Swinton looks as insane as she always does, and I love her for that. I didn't hear her give the designer a shout-out. Maybe Junya Watanabe? Daniel Day-Lewis looks very handsome and surprisingly chic for a guy who usually looks vaguely homeless, but fortunately his wife Rebecca Miller is taking up the crazy-outfit slack. And I know my mother will kill me for this, but when did Viggo Mortenson get OLD? He has Crazy Beard.

7:45 - Awww, Viggo brought his niece. He still needs to shave. Katherine Heigl looks amazing in - wait for it - red. I'm not sure about her new 1950's bob but the girl has a nearly flawless sense of style. Oh wait, I'm going to qualify that with an "except for the makeup." It's the Charlize Exception! Except Katherine has committed a Crime Against Rouge instead of a Faux-Tan Faux-Pas.  Hilary Swank looks pretty much the same way she always does - like a boy in a dress. Again, it's fine, but just...uninspiring. From what I can see of Penelope Cruz, she looks remarkable. I love a woman who wears her hair down with an evening gown. And Cate Blanchett looks marvelous, if about to pop.

8:00 - They lied to me! They said the SHOW started at 8:00. Liars. The Reege is in the house! After another glance at Clooney-paramour Sarah Larsen's dress, it's worse than originally advertised. It may be from the Jessica McClintock collection. Laura Linney looks gorgeous in a really simple navy sheath. I'm afraid of Miley Cyrus' mom.

8:15 - Helen Mirren's dress is by George Chakra, who I don't know but whom I will be looking up when I hit a certain age. Cameron Diaz appears to have done her makeup as well as her hair in the limo on her way over. There's something surprisingly brittle about Amy Adams that I'm not digging. Everyone is suddenly very concerned with taking their seats and has little patience for the Reege. Ellen Page, unsurprisingly, has once again raided Bea Arthur's closet.

And with that, they're running the credits, leaving us to view the outfits of the TRULY famous when they take the stage tonight. So pour yourselves another glass of champagne and settle in for what will assuredly be an exceedingly long show. Ten to one Busey rushes the stage.

Check Out All the Fashion's in Zap2it's Red Carpet Gallery

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