'America's Next Top Model': Like a Transvestite Robin Wright Penn
Last week Tyra and her Winged Monkeys selected the 14 lovely ladies (or 13 plus Dominique, whose "lady" status has yet to be ascertained) who would accompany them to New York City for America's Next Top Model. And I want to be on top, as do you, so let's climb on board the Crazy Train o'Tyra, shall we?
The ladies descend upon Manhattan like a cloud of extremely gangly locusts. They plop down for drinks and to congratulate each other as Amy of last week reveals that she will now be called "Amis", as Tyra had warned the two Amys that one of them would need a new name. The girls move into their loft. There are - I am not making this up - 8 bunk beds. And one enormous communal bed for the remaining 6 girls to share. This season will now be referred to as "ANTM: Cycle Girl-on-Girl Action", apparently. Just like last year, the loft is alternately plastered with enormous photos of Ms. Banks and equally enormous no-smoking signs. And so 99% of the girls immediately troop outside for a smoke. Atalya points out that this risks incurring the Wrath of Tyra, and Kim in her infinite wisdom says something to the effect of "But I like smoking! So it's ok!" Fatima continues on her Tour of Alienation, and Les Jays walk in looking either fierce or horrifying (guess which is which!) Anya refers to them as "Mr. and Mrs. Jay", like they're a married couple. Which they may be, except for that nassssssty rumor swirling around about Miss J. And you know the one I'm talking about.
The Jays take the girls on a tour around New York City that culminates in Times Square. A runway is set up and holy crap, the girls are doing a fricking Badgley Mischka show. Right now. Maybe taking this show back to New York has really upped its cache? They never landed designers like this in LA. This is spectacular. Marvita is nervous and walks staring at her feet. Katarzyna is sex on a stick. Honestly, this girl is already light-years ahead of the rest of the other models. Lauren looks terrible and her walk looks deliberately clompy like Karlie Kloss'. Whitney looks vaguely retro in a sort of Jacklyn Smith sort of way, but really out-walks just about anyone. There's some drama between Marvita and Fatima, but as I have a feeling this is going to happen at least once a week, I napped through it.
This year's TyraMails are going to occur as a digital scroll, which...I mean, some of these girls are REALLY struggling here. At least write the words on paper that stands still. The girls go to Elite for an assessment. And with this we meet Paulina Porizkova, who is genuinely one of the most beautiful women alive. (And married to one of the ugliest men alive, which ups her sexy factor by at least a thousand.) Paulina warns them that she is going to be brutal and boy howdy is she ever. I think that last year's "borderline plus-size" is this year's "you remind me of a transvestite Robin Wright Penn." I don't even know what that MEANS but I am so on board with Paulina. Twiggy was too wishy-washy. Paulina tells Marvita that she falls into the same Polish girl category as she herself. Wait, what now? Marvita's POLISH?
The girls go outside and hail an enormous taxi/limo hybrid. Marvita, Fatima, drama, etc. They disembark for their first photo shoot and HOLY CRAP DERELICTE!!!! The girls will be highlighting the plight of the homeless by posing. With homeless people. Who are wearing high fashion. Wow. Honestly, the models are in homeless drag. This really toes the line of bad taste for me. Especially considering the fact that 1/7 of the models have been homeless in their lives. Dominique really gives great photo. She's the only girl who clearly practices her angles and her posing in her off-time. Anya pulls out this incredible photo shoot. She's stealth. She really is. Back at the house, Kim expounds upon her dislike of high fashion, and Fatima wonders if this is the right place for her.
At the judging, Noted Fashion Photographer Nigel Barker is here! Woot! And Tyra reveals the replacement of Twiggy with Paulina. Best shots are revealed, and Lauren's jolie-laide looks earn her enthusiastic thumbs up. Anya's face gets lot behind her hair, and Tyra warns her that she is already so good that she's going to be up for a lot of criticism. Amis is a hot mess. Aimee is so, so hot in pictures and so, so bland in person. There's a disconnect. Fatima is actually crying in her photo, which works here, but apparently her film was bad. Dominique is so "draglicious", in Miss Jay's words. Allison is outshone by the homeless girl to her right. No joke. Whitney has "automatic invisible wind machine" according to Paulina, and although this makes no sense, she is spot on. There's really nothing to say about Katarzyna. Claire rocks this shoot. Atalya falls into the Allison trap of losing to the other girls in the picture. Stacy-Ann only has 5 poses, and none of them good. Little Kimmy admits that she has no interest in fashion and Tyra, Nigel, and Miss Jay genuinely act like she has just hocked a loogie onto them. I mean, you, me and everyone else on the planet knew that Kim was dumb, but come on now. Aimee starts shaking her head frantically in some sort of warning. Tyra asks her if she just wants to go home and Kim says "...yeah." But even though Kim is gone, a girl is still going to be eliminated. So that whole 14-girl thing was just kind of a tease. The judges confer and, once again, y'all are still in the running towards (toward! toward!) becoming America's Next Top Model except for Atalya, who was just too blandly pretty.
Next week: OMGMAKEOVERWEEKAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Well, for those of you paying attention, 2 of my inital 3 favorites are already gone. I still feel like Katarzyna and Anya are the two who would genuinely get the most modeling work today, but as we both know that is not at all what this competition is about (Saleisha, girl, I'm talking to you.)
Since we all know that if I were a modeling scout I would have been utterly fired today, my opinion no longer matters! What do you think, you brilliant little mannequins you?
Kim is a ding dong. That's all I have to say about her.
No mention of the new opening? I was completely amazed that they left out all the previous Top Models from seasons prior. Saleisha never got the chance to be featured in the opening! HA!
This season has great potential! I don't have a favorite yet since all the photos looked amazing. Although some of them kinda looked the same to me...
I can't wait for the makeover episode!!!
Sorry, I haven't heard.. what Miss Jay rumor?
I am also a little curious about this rumor!
Kim was a moron. I mean, she had better never see those girls from last week who didn't make it, because they will want to tear her to shreads! I mean, purposely suck if you have to, but don't just quit one week in!!!
Some of the girls looked very similar in their shots, so I looked forward to the makeovers, which might help me tell them apart.
So far Katarzyna and Whitney are my favs.
Has anyone noticed that Stacy Ann looks just like Danielle? I think that doesn't bode well for her. I also wonder what rumor about Miss Jay
Oh good, Im not the only one clueless about the rumor. I think no one knows except you Jordon, so please, fill us in. So is Fatima to be the Tken Beyotch this season? we need one every season. Kim is young young young, open mouth insert foot, buh bye.wht is Laurne doing on this show? Im puzzled. so is she.
Oh good, Im not the only one clueless about the rumor. I think no one knows except you Jordon, so please, fill us in. So is Fatima to be the Tken Beyotch this season? we need one every season. Kim is young young young, open mouth insert foot, buh bye.what is Laurne doing on this show? Im puzzled. so is she.
Put me on board for the "what Miss J rumor?" train. Now, about Kim - well, maybe once she got there she just said, nope, not for me. Really, when you think about it, she was the most genuinely down to earth. Here they are supposedly bringing "light" to the problem of homelessness by doing modeling posing. Maybe Kim just saw the ridiculousness of people wearing $1000.00 outfits and walking by someone picking soggy french fries out of a trash can. I thought that shoot was the ultimate in hypocrisy. Tyra says "oh the poor homeless", but what do you mean you don't appreciate high (expensive) fashion? Good for Kim - plus what do you expect from a New Englander? We're very frugal. Plus, Worcester is smack dab in the middle of M***achusetts, it's a city (a smaller one) but very "country" in feel.
Would that be the rumor that Ms. J is, in fact, married with kids?
I kinda liked Kim and didn't think she was stupid, just really very naive and unworldly. I think she had some potential as a model too and she may yet want to return to it if she can learn to wrap her little brain around and deal with her dilemna. I think some of us have been faced with trying to do well - excel even - in a job that we don't necessarily feel p***ionate about (possibly don't even believe in...). You can figure it out and not hate yourself in the process. I'm not saying she should have compromised her ideals, just maybe given it more than a week...
Well, Well Well...rumor has it that Miss Jay was on a local radio show recently and expressed that he was in fact NO GAY! Miss Jay, a flambouyant judge on Tyra's America Next Top Model, said that he was happily married and had a son! He went on to tell the host of the radio show that "He is an active father in his son's life and when he is out on the streets you may not recognize him because he looks different. He also went on to say that he acts "gay" because it is his JOB..." Hmmm. I'm not sure what to believe. Miss Jay also said that he is good friends with legendary drag queen Ru Paul. Chile' Please! He is in denial!