Premierewatch: 'The Biggest Loser'

Happy New Year from The Biggest Loser, where the seeds of transformation -- plus potentially relationship-crippling recrimination, resentment and rage -- are sowed. Who wants to start a divorce/estrangement/disinheritment pool?

What have you done today to make you feel spoiled?

The Teams
Team Purple: Maggie and Jenn, 22-year-old women who are longtime friends and who (irony alert!) have been counselors at a fat camp. They think their youth gives them an edge. I immediately start rooting against the callow youths -- did no one pay attention to Jerry a few scant months ago?

Team Black: brothers Mark and Jay. They're the first team across the line for the opening challenge, and they consider themselves the team to beat. We'll see if they do as well as our previous pair of Brothers in Black, twins Bill and Jim.

Team Brown: married couple Curtis and Mallory. Curtis thinks he's a failure as a husband and a father, because everyone in the family qualified for health insurance except him. I'd say that's a failure of the health-insurance system, but it's a little early in the season for that rant.

Team Pink: mother-daughter match-up Bette-Sue and Ali. They're both hairdressers and former competitive swimmers, and Bette-Sue seems to fill the always important sassy older woman demographic. I'm either going to love her or hate her.

Team Orange: mother-son duo Jackie and Dan. I'm a bit worried about this team, because Jackie seems driven completely by guilt and for her son -- I'll do anything to help him achieve his goals! That's great, but you have to get motivated for yourself, too, or you'll never survive.

Team Green: father-daughter pair Lynn and Jenni. Lynn's the official curmudgeon of the contestants, which should make me dislike him, but I actually find somewhat charming. It's Jenni who annoys more, as she's a tad self-righteous that she has to force her dad to do this or he'll DIE! That may be true, but if he doesn't want to be there and be doing it for himself, the team is sunk.

Team White: newlyweds Neill and Amanda. They left a toddler to come on the competition, and Neill says "our New Year's resolution is to get in shape before our son knows we're fat." Heh. A hint for Neill: that superfluous "l" you're carrying around at the end of your name must be weighing you down...

Team Yellow: Kelly and Paul, who are divorced. It seems Paul still carries a torch for Kelly, but I'm not sure Kelly feels the same way. This could get ugly.

Team Gray: former college football teammates Roger and Trent. They've already gone through grueling physical challenges and know how to get past the mind games of competition without killing each other. They're the heaviest duo, with a combined weight of 799 pounds. Crap.

Team Blue: strangers Brittany and Bernie, who were chosen from the online club. Brittany thinks they've got an edge because they don't have a lifetime of baggage built up. I tend to agree.

The Challenges
First challenge: Run up a hill and back to the trainer of their choice. The catch: Bob and Jillian can only take five teams apiece, and once they have that many, no further teams may apply.

Bette-Sue has the hardest time, at some points crawling. She's thoroughly demoralized -- "I don't want to be a burden to my daughter!"

Jillian is by far the most popular trainer, which again makes me think she'd make a great cult leader. One thing Bette-Sue says makes me pause, however -- "If I went with Bob, I'd have to put more responsibility back on me." Bette-Sue, ALL the responsibility is on you for the rest of your life. The trainer can get you started, but then it's all you.

Personally, I'd pick Bob, since he seems to rely less on the Cult of Personality. However, as Jillian's charges made it to the final four last time out, she obviously knows how to do something right.

The second challenge: run around a track hauling a giant hot-air balloon. The winner, Team Black, gets two pounds added to their weight loss at the weigh-in. The loser, Team Purple, gets two pounds subtracted. The Purple girls are aghast -- the old guy beat us! That can't happen! It's not faaaaaaaaaaair! Shut it.

The most interesting bit of the challenge is Team Blue, the strangers. Brittany is a machine -- "This is fun! Let's go around again! Let's jog!" -- while Bernie pukes his way across the finish line. He later spends the night in the hospital because he just can't keep his food down, and is on light duty at the last-chance workout.

The Weigh-In
Team Orange
Jackie: 246 to 231, -15 pounds
Dan: 310 to 285, -25 pounds
Total combined weight loss of 7.19%

Team Pink
Bette-Sue: 261 to 245, -16 pounds
Ali: 234 to 215, -19 pounds
Total combined weight loss of 7.07%

Team Gray
Roger: 363 to 343, -20 pounds
Trent:  436 to 407, -29 pounds
Total combined weight loss of 6.13%

Team Brown
Curtis: 381 to 359 -22 pounds
Mallory: 217 to 2-3 -14 pounds
Total combined weight loss of 6.02%

Team Black
Jay: 293 to 280, -13 pounds
Mark: 285 to 268, -17 pounds
Total combined weight loss of 5.54%.

Team Blue
Bernie: 283 to 266, -17 pounds
Brittany: 221 to 211, -10 pounds
Total combined weight loss of 5.36%

Team Yellow
Paul: 303 to 286, -17 pounds
Kelly: 271 to 253, -13 pounds
Total combined weight loss of 5.23%.

Team White
Neill: 317 to 304, -13 pounds
Amanda: 204 to 190, -14 pounds
Total combined weight loss of 5.18%

Team Purple
Maggie: 239 to 229, -10 pounds
Jenn: 254 to 242, -12 pounds
Total combined weight loss of 4.06%

Team Green
Jenni: 267 to 260, -7 pounds
Lynn: 409 to 390, -19 pounds
Total combined weight loss of  3.85%

Team Green is the first team voted off.

Highlights, thoughts and odds and ends

• Ah, Team Green: We hardly knew ye. I know what we were supposed to think: That Jenni was a long-suffering daughter, and that Lynn was an uncaring father. Jenni was working out at night, and Lynn refused! But none of the rest of the competitors saw Lynn get up early to work out. I have a feeling Lynn is less a villain than we were led to believe.
• That said, the exchange between Lynn and Jenni when they were in the bottom two was distinctly uncomfortable. Jenni ranted that Lynn obviously didn't want to be there, and he was ruining her chances, and how could he do this to her! Lynn finally snapped: You only lost 7 pounds. I lost 19. You lost the least weight of anyone. Ouch.
• Relationship killer number one: Amanda is a hell of a lot more gung-ho than hubby Neill. In addition, we find out that Amanda wanted to go with Jillian, Neill with Bob. They're with Jillian, and Neill isn't happy.
• Relationship killer number two: At the weigh-in, Alison brings up the incongruity of a divorced couple competing. What's the deal? "One of use gave up," says Paul. Kelly starts crying: "We just said we weren't going to say anything to hurt each other..." Good luck with that...
• Bette-Sue had commented that she wanted Jillian as a trainer because she's tougher than Bob -- and then proceeded to bitch and moan about how mean Bob was. "He does that taunting thing and I just want to smack him...he is just a mean little booger... he is vicious in the workout." Bob returns the favor: "I've got a 53 year old women with that crazy haircut..." But they end up with mutual respect: "Who'd have thought, Bette-Sue, with a  name like Bette-Sue, she's going to be a competitor." Bette-Sue is a tough old broad. I've decided I love her, and I think Bob does too.
• The Scared-Straight segment, while undoubtedly accurate, seemed like overkill to me. Bette-Sue agrees: "I mean a vat? Of fat?" Heh.
• More Bette-Sue joy: When Team Pink does not place last in the second challenge, Bette-Sue is ebullient: "I'm learning from these youngsters about the Beyonce victory dance," she says. She does a decent job, too... 
• Jillian's pushing water, and I was thinking -- awesome, it's water, it comes out of a tap, they won't be able to product-place that, right? WRONG! There's filters and refillable bottles! That said, they will be keeping track of the number of disposable bottles they save, which is good.
• A couple of competitors broke down right before they were supposed to get on the scale -- Ali sobbed that Team Pink could never compete with the massive numbers being put up! Jackie tearfully said she didn't think she could compete. They ended up in the top two. "[You] feel kind of silly now, don't you woman?" says Bob. Heh.
• Non-Bette-Sue comment of the night goes to Mallory: "I wanted to jump up and down that I had lost 14 pounds, but I didn't want to break the scale..." Awww, Mallory -- that's so self-depreciating and sweet. I like her a lot.
• Does anyone else get a huge kick out of the music cues? The music that played when they revealed the double scale for the first time made it sound like the heavens were opening and the angels were saying "Whoa, cool, dude!"

Did Team Green deserve to go? Who was more annoying, Jenni or Lynn? What's the first relationship that will be imperiled by the game? Do you like that there are no overarching teams, just duos competing, or do you think that makes things too hard? Who do you pick to win? Who do you pick to be the most annoying person on the show? And do you want me to run down the weigh-in stats, or would you be ok if I skipped that step from now on? I'm blowing my recommended word-count out of the water here...

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