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'Crowned': I Just Don't Want To Show, Like, Any Stupidity Whatsoever
First off, an editorial note: your intrepid reporter is, as you may or may not know, an Angelena, and our local CW affiliate has decided to preempt our beloved Pageant of the Grotesque for a bloody Clippers game. Therefore this recap is coming to you a little later than usual. My bootlegger warned me that "the quality may be bad", but clearly, he or she has never seen 'Crowned', as it is impossible for the quality of this fine series to sink any lower.
But let's get on with the show, shall we? Last week God smiled and sent the robust femmes of Skin Deep home, and their shocking! reaction! almost reduced Shanna to tears, as commenter ER noted last week. And now we're down to five pairs, as the remaining 4 members of Team Evil react in shock to Angela and Tenia's ignominious exit. Christan finds herself caught between the remaining humans in the competition and the redheads. Linnea announces to the girls that Scott Grossman will be teaching them their choreography for the final pageant and guess who's at the dance studio? EVERYONE WHO ALREADY GOT DESASHED. But they're still out of the competition - they just have to participate in the opening dance number. Ouch.
After the rehearsal, Linnea lays out the preliminary competition guidelines: the ladies will be hostessing a cocktail party for some "important guests." Gina, an event planner, tries to curtail her desire to control the setup, while Laura and Patty are predictably handy around the kitchen. The V.I.P. guests arrive and reveal themselves as the husbands and fathers of the remaining contestants. Ada's husband is, I kid you not, Christan's age, making me wonder if Ada's whole insecurity thing is just a front. (Also, Christan's father is there, which must be genuinely awkward for everyone.) Jenileigh's "date" appears to be her Main Gay, a gentleman named Omar. Patty's husband, Laura's father, appears beaten down by life, and my heart just goes out to the poor man. After the cocktail party, each man judges the ladies on their hostessing abilities, without choosing their own loved ones. Moya and Jenileigh win the challenge, and a spa trip to Vegas. Patty responds as you would expect - by puking in her chair. Gina and her boyfriend make out on the couch, and Hollis attempts to be "dignified and mature" while secretly wanting to follow Patty's lead.
The next morning, Gina is suitably ashamed of her actions and she and Hollis make up. Linnea announces that the elimination competition will consist of a pageant interview conducted by the judges. Randy, Simon and Paula reiterate the rules of the competition, and Mindy and Rachelle take the floor, acquitting themselves admirably (and diplomatically, when Shanna asks them who should be eliminated from the competition.) Ada responds to the question "which characteristic of Christan's would you most like to acquire?" with the truly awesome answer "her hair. I always wanted dark hair." As Carson responds to their retreating backs, "um, hi, Clairol?" Hollis and Gina, who I really expected to throw Patty and Laura under a bus, answer the elimination question as carefully as Mindy and Rachelle did. Patty wants Laura's "passion and determination" although she admits to already have those qualities herself. Laura claims that she doesn't pass judgment. Wait, what now? And y'all can see where the elimination question is going. Yep. Gina, Hollis, meet bus. Shanna wipes a tear from her cheek (or adjusts a cheekbone implant) and brings Moya and Jenileigh onstage. They stumble a little bit with their wording but their answers are carefully chosen, if a bit brief. The ladies tromp out onstage for their critiques. Cynthia honestly has no criticism for Mindy and Rachelle, and they are safe. Jenileigh and Moya are praised for their "realness" and are safe. The remaining three pairs are called forward. Once again, the Dream Gals have had the strongest showing, with Shanna calling them "flawless." Ada and Christan are called out for their nervousness and their shallow answers, while the redheads are called "angry and aggressive." The Jewel-Encrusted Clippers of Destiny work their magic on Ada and Christan, who presumably go straight to the salon to get Ada that dark hair she's always wanted.
Next week: Hair Force One is Down! I Repeat! Hair Force One is Down!
And what think you, Misses Clairol? Would you have exercised diplomacy? Or would you have taken any excuse to tell the world what you think of the redheads? Me too! That's why we're not on this show! (Well, that and our remaining shreds of self-respect.) Right?
Arrgh! What do those nasty redheads have to do to get booted off this show? Rob a bank? Kill small animals? Make Shanna laugh? It's frustrating! But I think they probably at least sealed their fate of not winning this thing. The judges kind of saw a glimpse of who they really are.
It wasn't that I was sad to see Christan and Ada go, but I'd rather have seen them again next week than the redheads.
ER | Jan 24, 2008 6:15:14 AM | #I hate the reds, they have to go. I love the other three teams, so I will be happy if any of the other three wins. If I had to choose a favorite, it would be gina and hollis, the Dreamgals, they have the best mother/daughter relationship and are so down-to-earth
DJ | Jan 24, 2008 10:38:02 AM | #This ep was filled with so many delicious moments I could hardly keep up. I kept looking to see if Mr. Patty was sporting an "I'd rather be anywhere but here" lapel pin. Now he has to live the rest of his life knowing that our last indelible impression of him is that of holding a barf bag for the wife. (I FINALLY figured out who Patty reminds me of: Katharine Helmond in "Brazil" after the "lift.")
Oh, and the desashing! Patty and Laura show real emotion! Who knew?! Ah, Jordan, the finale will certainly put worth all the time and effort you've put into this show. Gina and Hollis, represent!
(Oh, and didn't Hollis have one adorable piece of man candy on her arm?)
JW | Jan 24, 2008 1:49:26 PM | #Correction: BE worth all the time and effort...
JW | Jan 24, 2008 1:50:32 PM | #Sorry, all, I forgot to mention to my LA-area readers that KTLA will be showing this episode this Saturday night at 8:00 pm, if you want to view the wreckage for yourself...
Jordan Hudson | Jan 24, 2008 2:13:37 PM | #
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