'Crowned': How Do You Plan On Curing World Peace?

Last week we bid adieu to the Sassy Sisters, aka the Goal Getters, after a weak hula-hoop showing. This week apparently is throw-tomatoes-at-the-guillotine week, with Skin Deep yelling something about mooses (moose? meese?) while everyone clenches their teeth in what is either a smile or the last thing you see before you die.

The ladies all stagger back to the Sequin Shack, where once again Team Sunshine sadly toast their fallen comrades, while Team Evil listens over the Intercom of Truth. Hollis makes the unforgivable mistake of calling loony redhead Laura "spoiled." Mindy has hurt her knee in her swing dance performance and goes to lie down. The next morning, Linnea summons the girls to the Rose Court to meet Keith Lewis, the executive director of the Miss California USA pageant, who gives the ladies a clinic in keeping their poise during the competition. They (and I, and you, unfortunately) learn from Keith that there are actually six different smiles: the Swimsuit Smile, the Evening Gown Smile, the I've Got a Secret Smile, the Natural Smile, the Interview Smile, and the Closing Smile. Oh god how I wish they were flashing those closing smiles now. But no! Keith tells Laura there isn't a lot of intelligence behind her smile. Heh. Linnea tells each pair to stand on a pedestal while the rest of the group attempts to break their composure. Skin Deep, of course, take this to mean talking &$!# about the other contestants, hence the moose comment. After Hollis and Gina go up, Team Sunshine decides to take the high road and only says nice things, trying to confuse them into...losing their cool? I don't know. I love my girls but this is a genuinely stupid plan. Eventually Jenileigh can't take it anymore and tells Angela and Tenia that the only thing fake in this competition is "y'alls weaves". Skin Deep comments several times that the reason they're going to win is because they're so wealthy. If this is true...well, in the immortal words of Dionne from Clueless, those are some cheap K-mart hair extensions right there. All I'm sayin'. Moya and Jenileigh win the challenge and try their luck for some Valuable! Crown! Jewels! Jenileigh tries for the cabana boy instead, but ends up with a sad little corsage in his place.

Mindy returns from the ER on crutches with a sprained knee. Linnea spells out the next elimination challenge: VLOG! Oh holy crap. The girls have to shoot a one-minute video to post on their vlogs to create their team image ("before someone else does." Oh, that Shanna's learned something from her own life experience, hasn't she?)  Patty and Laura continue to be horrifying, and honestly, Laura couldn't be nastier to her mother. AND she reveals Patty's age! She's 50! But parts of her are much much younger. Once again those idiotic Goal-Driven Gals waste almost their entire practice time admiring their own intelligence. Mindy is high as a kite from prescription Vicodin and Rachelle is not amused. The landed gentry of Skin Deep show off some genuinely bad Dolce knockoff sunglasses. Overall, the daughters are increasingly frustrated with their mothers' inability to do exactly what they want them to do, when they want them to do it.

Carson, Moe and Jack go over the rules and then...it's vlog time. Hey, Christan wears a hairpiece! It's like weave central up in here! Tenia and Angela brilliantly decide to put the camera as far from themselves as possible. Apparently they want to win the crown in order to bring awareness to dogs with H.I.V.? Or something. Again, the judges love them, which is starting to make me really suspicious. The Goal-Driven Gals are spectacularly bad but, as last week, find themselves hilaaaaaaarious. Once again the redheads bust out Laura's big old shrill voice, and really spend a lot of time focusing on exactly how long ago Laura bought Patty her first thong. The Daredevil Divas reveal that they are homeless in their vlog, but Shanna tells them that she doesn't want to crown them because she feels sorry for them. Which sounds harsh, but is actually very sane and helpful advice. (Actually, Moya and Jenileigh may be the new Gina and Hollis for me. Their relationship is truly sweet.) Shanna tells Mindy and Rachelle that they bore her. Rowr! Hollis and Gina are so cute that they make Carson want to "barf up fluffy pink cotton balls." Which...thanks?? Carson wants them to be more Steel Magnolias, and really, that's good advice for everyone right there.

At the desashing ceremony, Skin Deep, the Goal-Driven Gals, and the Sincere Sexy Reds are called forward. Woot! This means that we're sending some beeyotches home! Unfortunately, those beeyotches are going to have their own hair on, because Angela and Tenia won the competition. Even before the Bejeweled Kitchen Shears from Hell come out, Heather and Brenda are already crying their false eyelashes out. The evil redheads pick up the scissors and snip, snip, snip the former Blonde Bombshells out of their lives. And oh, the awesomeness, the redheads both pretend to cry while they do it. Poorly! Angela looks genuinely shook up and cries tears that are most assuredly made of real diamonds.

Next week: public speaking! If this means we have to imagine Angela and Tenia naked, I'm out.

Aren't you? Were you glad to see the blondes go or were you hoping you could soak up more of their staggering brilliance? Are you itching to get your hands on some polyester hair? Or, alternately, itching because of your polyester hair? How are you going to survive until next Wednesday?

You are mean. I thought other teams should have went home before the blondes. Although their vlog wasn't great, there were at least two others equally bad. C'mon? Lighten up on the blondes already.

I think Angela crossed a line this time. She's been nasty before, but actually putting people down because, as she says, they are broke and she is rich? I thought it was pretty hypocritical of her to talk about Moya and Jenileigh being poor and then go on her video talking about how she wanted to use her resources to help those less fortunate. Charity begins at home is what I've heard.

Oh, and she wants to call other people fake? Those tears of hers at the end were - well, let's just say I've cried more sincere tears during allergy season.

The Blonde Bombshells were the best of the bad, in my opinion. There were others I'd much rather have seen go home before them, including the two pairs standing on stage with them.