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'Crowned': Bring Sexy Back? Sexy Was Never Here!
This week on Crowned, will Angela once again grace us with her girly bits? Or will 2008 be - gasp! - the Year Without a Crotch? Join me as we navigate a sea of sailor suits, middle-aged aerialists, and that horrifying redheaded mom to find a truly rewarding prize at the end of the road: only four more hours of these harpies!
Back at Casa Bad Weave, Team Evil faux-mourns the loss of the weird old Tomboy Queens, while Team Sunshine bubbles over about how much they all love each other. Linnea tells the teams to strap on their highest hooker heels and meet her by the pool, where they are introduced to pageant choreographer Scott Grossman. He teaches the ladies a brief routine for them to practice on their own. When Scott compliments Tenia's dance skills, Angela angrily interviews that the credit should be hers as she paid for those moves. Classssssy. Then, Scott introduces "professional trust coach" (say whaaaaa?) Amy Kovarick, who runs the girls through those trust exercises that you used to do at Girl Scout Camp. The Redheads are incapable of working together and oh! hey! Firecrotch! (For those of you keeping track, 2008 officially had ONE DAY without a crotch.) After a staring contest, Amy sashes the Goal Driven Gals, who choose a gift containing Smashbox cosmetics. Because what these two need is more makeup.
Evil Redheaded Daughter tells Evil Redheaded Mother to cook her some food, and since Mom can't figure out how to turn on the oven, she picks a fight with her daughter and tells her to cook her own chicken. Oh snap. The next morning, Linnea announces that the fourth elimination competition will be a one-minute talent presentation, which will be judged on three criteria: how the routine showcases both team members, skill in the "talent area", and teamwork. In rehearsal, the daughters are largely critical and dismissive of their mothers. Nicole, particularly, lashes out at mom Jill for exposing her abdomen (which is considerably flatter than her teenage daughter's.)
On stage, Hollis and Gina belt out "Come Rain or Come Shine", a strangely inappropriate duet for a mother and daughter, and a little tonally flat on Gina's part. Mindy and Rachelle bicker their may out onto stage in twin sailor suits and do a very sweet little swing dance. Jill and Nicole come out (with the wrong midriff exposed) and hula hoop. Poorly. Those evil you-know-whats in Beauty is Skin Deep come out and butcher them some Chaka Khan, which the judges inexplicably seem to enjoy. Christan and Ada, I kid you not, perform a truncated mother-daughter burlesque, complete with floor-humpage and hair-tossing. Laura shrilly belts out "Climb Every Mountain" while Patty mostly plays piano well. (Side note to the ladies! With the amount of plastic surgery Patty is sporting, isn't her engagement ring awfully small?) Carson seems horribly amused by the genuinely painful standup that the Goal Driven Gals inflict upon us all. Jenileigh does some incredibly difficult-looking aerial work while mother Moya - waves a flag at her? I don't know.
The girls are called out for judgment, and three teams are called forward: the Dream Gals, the Sincere Sexy Reds, and the Goal-Getters. Those horrifying redheads won the talent competition, with their teamwork praised in particular. Both the Dream Gals and the Goal-Getters are told that their teamwork was lacking. The Dream Gals pick up the Bejeweled Shears of Fate and and told to desash the Goal-Getters. Although Hollis initially refuses to cut the sashes, taking off Nicole's sash and folding it up for her, the Moakler prevails.
Next week: "You look like mooses that need to be mounted!"
And what do you think, my little pageanteers? Doesn't a woman with a $20,000 face deserve a bigger rock? Would Hollis and Gina have done better if Hollis weren't so busy helping other teams? Whose crotch would you like to ogle next week?
Actually, I didn't think the redheads were much better than Hollis & Gina. In fact, I cringed more over the redheads. Anyway, H&G didn't deserve to be in the bottom two. The stand-up routine? PLEASE!
Jan | Jan 3, 2008 10:53:04 AM | #You seriously have a blog for Crowned? Now I've seen it all. Worst show on t.v. ever. Why don't you promote something a little less brainless.
Allie | Jan 3, 2008 4:27:41 PM | #Crowned's not that bad. C'mon. There's a lot worse on tv. And, as far as overall talent, my god, the mean reds were still a h--- a lot better than Gina and Hollis. The aerial routine was great and some others were okay, including the standup routine, the dance routines and the aerial routine. I'm sure all talent spots were edited. You need to lighten up.
sunshine | Jan 4, 2008 1:46:29 PM | #Oh, Allie, lighten up. I kinda like the show. And it is far from the worst on the tube. A bunch of those unscripted, watch how young people hang out reality series on MTV for example are FAR worse. I too, thought the talent competition interesting but I did not agree with what the judges said for most of the acts. I find it very hard to believe that anyone would not be able to figure out the stove simply by looking at it. I'd expect that there would be knobs to turn, buttons to push or at least something obvious, wouldn't you?
rowlfe | Jan 5, 2008 3:16:03 PM | #Oh, Allie, lighten up. I kinda like the show. And it is far from the worst on the tube. A bunch of those unscripted, watch how young people hang out reality series on MTV for example are FAR worse. I too, thought the talent competition interesting but I did not agree with what the judges said for most of the acts. I find it very hard to believe that anyone would not be able to figure out the stove simply by looking at it. I'd expect that there would be knobs to turn, buttons to push or at least something obvious, wouldn't you?
rowlfe | Jan 5, 2008 3:17:06 PM | #Crowned...yechh
skip | Jan 9, 2008 5:30:53 PM | #
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