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Premierewatch: Crowned
Welcome, ‘Top Model’ fans, to Crowned, the show the CW promises will be the mother of all pageants (although, when you think about it, doesn’t that sound like something Tyra would call herself in one of her Oprah moods? Tyra: The Mother of All Pageants™? Maybe it’s just me.)
The ladies, 11 pair in all, pull up to the most god-awful McMansion in all of Calabasas to meet pageant director Linnea Maloney, having trouble reciting the only two lines she was given this episode, and host/judge/former beauty queen Shanna Moakler. Shanna welcomes the ladies into the Pageant House, which contestant Hollis describes as “a fairy tale castle that you dreamt up when you were seven.” And really, that cuts to the core of this entire affair: it’s the beauty pageant you made your Barbies compete in when you were seven.
After the ladies get situated in the house, they are given their first assignment, which is threefold: to pick a team name, to pick a representative outfit, and to make a great first impression. The teams scatter to come up with some genuinely horrifying team names. Intelligent, well-spoken Annette and Alana think that since they don’t pose an obvious threat they are Silent but Deadly. Bitchy Andrea’s first suggestion to daughter Amanda is Lean Queens, prompting the most awesome exchange of the evening: “all these girls are lean queens, Mama” followed by Andrea’s “oh honey, not all” directed right at Jenileigh. The contestants go to a costume warehouse to pick outfits. Sequins and feather boas fly as we discover that Jenileigh has Issues With Her Weight. Texans Hollis and Gina, having picked out their outfits, offer their help and mention their desire to treat everyone “fairly and kindly.” The next morning, the contestants are woken by terrifyingly brittle Laura and Patty practicing their coloraturas in the most echo-prone room in the house: the bathroom.
Onstage, we are introduced to our judges: the aforementioned Shanna, former ‘Queer Eye’ queer Carson Kressley, and celebrity interviewer Cynthia Garrett. The contestants do their best introduction, walk and wave. The Redhead Bombshells trip over their heels, recite a poem involving hamburger meat and generally terrify the judges. The Blonde Bombshells overshadow themselves with enormous hats and strongly resemble drag queens, a fact Carson is quick to point out. Gina and Hollis sing an adorable song they wrote themselves into their hairbrushes. The judges are knocked out. Next come Rachelle (Miss Arizona!) and Melinda (2nd Runner up, Little Missy Prescott, age 6!), dressed for the Ice Capades. After they recite their poem, they are dismissed as superficial, leading new-kidney-receiver Melinda to cry into her maribou. Heretofore-unseen Angela and Tenia walk out dressed as Buster Keaton (Carson sees Diane Keaton, but…isn’t it essentially the same outfit, really?) and perform a Seussical rap routine.
Pamela and Felicia walk out in military garb and are honestly just…so strange. I don’t know. The judges carefully make one comment about Pamela’s hair and quickly dismiss them from the stage. Jill and Nicole sell themselves as the Sassy Sisters, but the judges are quick to remind them that they are not, in fact, from the same generation. The Reigning A’s, fka the Lean Queens, go on in rhyme for a long, long time and generally confuse the heck out of everyone. Aerialist Jenileigh and mom Moya look awful in their spangles but impress the judges with their confidence. Silent but Deadly are shocked to hear that there is a flatulent meaning to their team name. Former juvenile delinquent Christan and mom Ada come out as Hot and Not, implying that Ada is…not hot? Shouldn’t they be downplaying that? The judges are offended by the team name, for Ada’s sake.
The ladies all file on to the stage, and three teams are called forward: the Dream Gals (Hollis and Gina), the Blonde Bombshells, and the Reigning A’s. The Dream Gals had the highest score, and are safe. The Bombshells are accused of not having individual personalities (and, by Carson, of looking like “Amish hookers”) while the A’s are told that their verbosity prevented them from making any first impression at all. The Bombshells pick up the Bejeweled Shears of Fate and snip off the Reigning A’s hopes at the tiara.
Next week – everyone in the pool! It’s time for the swimsuit competition.
What do you think? Did you weep tears of sweet relief when the Blonde Bombshells were saved? How much do you hate the redheads? COULD Pamela and Felicia be any weirder?
anyone else think shanna went to the tyra banks schook of hosting...and one of you will..be...desashed
megan | Dec 13, 2007 6:26:46 AM | #WOW what an awful show. It's a train wreck. Of course I'll keep watching.
Um . . . Silent But Deadly? Some producer HAD to have put them up to it. No one can be that clueless, can they? Can they?
Was I the only one struck by how many of these women are thoroughly unattractive? Very few of these girls are what you would call "beauties".
Siansonea | Dec 13, 2007 10:49:12 AM | #I was glad the blonde bombshells didn't go home. I think they'll be interesting to watch!!! There are several other teams I hate a lot worse...
Daisy Newell | Dec 14, 2007 7:14:25 AM | #I think Pam and Felicia are the best group on the show just because people have bad hair doesnt meen the are werid. Look at Donald Trump!!!
Good luck from your brother and son !!!
Chris Patterson | Dec 14, 2007 8:17:36 AM | #It was a horrible train wreck. I can't wait for next week.
Lisa | Dec 14, 2007 12:09:08 PM | #Yes, Pamela's hair is ridiculous but it seems to be hiding a beautiful face. And the "not hot" mom Ada is clearly the best-looking mom on the show. Are we going to be seeing a variation on "The Swan" with the apparently least hot mothers turning into hotties?
Eustacia Vye | Dec 17, 2007 10:09:52 AM | #wow. that was byfare the worst reality show i have ever seen. not only did i waste an hour of my life, i became overly aware of americas pathetic, overdone entertainment. what happened to i love lucy or leave it to beaver. i have yet to experience such comedy and crowned was as far away as one can get.
descusted | Dec 17, 2007 6:09:21 PM | #So totally enjoyable. As my fiance pointed out - it's like watching a full hour of The Soup.
Sarah Fuhr | Dec 19, 2007 8:22:01 AM | #So totally enjoyable. As my fiance pointed out - it's like watching a full hour of The Soup.
Sarah Fuhr | Dec 19, 2007 8:22:08 AM | #I'm so glad that the Reigning A's went home, they were so atrocious. I can't wait until the Redhead Bombshells go home! What bitches! They are just AWFUL women...
Hannah Greyson | Dec 22, 2007 10:38:25 PM | #
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