'The Bachelor': Reunited, and it feels so good

Tonight, The Bachelor treated us to an episode that was 40% reunion special and 60% filler we've already seen. And the "jilted women telling all" ended up being more along the lines of "jilted women making catty remarks at one another." All in all, an outstanding use of an hour of my life. Thanks, ABC! (Catty spoilers ahead...)

With us are Michele (fell down the stairs), Kristy (read Brad's tongue), Sarah (unfairly got kicked off instead of McCarten), Solisa (body shots), Lindsey (the model), Stephy (single for five years), McCarten (UGH), Hillary ("The Most Dramatic Exit EVER"), Jade (UGH), Sheena (intense mom, but otherwise unobjectionable), and Bettina (awful family, probable fame whore).

We begin with some softball talk about how hot Brad is (Hillary: "I think he's hotter than David Beckham!"), but quickly move on to some clips from the first episode. BORING. Talk turns to cattiness in the house, and McCarten hilariously claims that rather than being a bully, she was mature for being able to tell people what she thought of them to their faces instead of behind their backs. Um, right. Okay. She gets into a quippy fight with Stephy and Sarah about her behavior, and someone (I think Sarah) half-jokingly calls her a "little skank." Hee. Next, it's Hillary's turn to defend herself when her comment comparing Bettina to a used car is brought up. Her defense? "I just say witty things." Wow. No extra comment needed there.

Speaking of Hillary, she gets some time in "The Hot Seat" to watch a clip of herself fall apart on national television, and then try to brush it off without looking too crazy. She actually does a nice job, saying, "When I fall, I fall hard." Amusingly, she says that she wishes he had told her that he just wanted to be friends at the pool party. You know, more than he actually did. When he basically said, "I want to be friends." But at least she realizes how funny she is, and doesn't cry at all, despite the fact that Chris's questions were clearly designed to induce tears. Nicely done, Hillary!

I'm going to ignore Chris's characterization of Brad as "one of the best Bachelors ever," since I've never technically seen the show before. But if Brad is one of the best Bachelors they've come up with in 11 seasons, I think their casting department could use a little work, to say the least. It's now Bettina's turn in the Hot Seat, and she looks even faker in retrospect than she did in the original airings. Chris does his best, all, "This must be extra tough for you, since you fell in love with Brad, right?" but Bettina's all, "Um...yeah. [Pause] It's difficult to watch?" Not. Convincing. Interestingly, Bettina says that she was surprised that she got a rose after the hometown dates, saying that not only did he think her family was judging him, but she was actually turned off by him because he was attacking her family and being defensive. They show a picture-in-a-picture of him, backstage, alternately nodding and shaking his head.

Now, audience questions! Hillary gets asked whether she was especially upset to not get a hometown date after seeing how his date with Bettina went. Hillary, again to her credit, has a totally reasonable answer about how welcoming her family would have been. Bettina gets asked whether it was uncomfortable on the overnight date, since he was having overnight dates with other girls, too. She laughs awkwardly for a second before confirming that yes, duh, it was awkward. Especially since she and Brad hadn't even really kissed up until then. Sheena is next in the Hot Seat, and says that she was devastated when she didn't get a rose after the hometown visits. Which Chris then emphasizes. Jerk. She talks a bit about how great her fairytale individual date was, despite her fall down the stairs.

Then, to the sound of much screaming, Brad joins everyone onstage. And by "Brad," I mean "Chad," his not-so-identical twin brother. Unlike the screaming studio audience, Sheena's not fooled. And neither is McCarten, when she's all, "It's totally not Brad, you guys," like, twenty seconds too late. Nice try, McCarten. We get the expected "It's a twin! It's Brad!" clips, followed by a chat with Chad, who confirms that he looks nothing like Brad. Duh. However, he also claims that Brad is the better looking one, which is clearly false now that we can see how cute Chad really is, under the glare of the studio lights.

And now, the moment none of us has really been waiting for: Brad takes the center stage. His interview is full of the expected boring platitudes ("This has been such a great experience, I met 25 incredible people, I didn't want to let anyone go..."), though it gets a little amusing when Hillary again asks whether he could have been a little more blunt with her. Um, Hillary: Much as I love the new you, your inner crazy is starting to show again. He obviously couldn't be THAT blunt, because there's supposed to be some suspense involved, for you as well as the viewer. Let it go! He tells her, among other things, that he thinks more highly of her than she realizes. Which kind of seems like a backhanded compliment to me.

Bettina asks the question we've all been wondering: Why the heck did he give her a rose after the way her family treated him? He says that it was all about his feelings for her, and that the family didn't enter into it. Um, doesn't that completely negate the purpose of hometown visits? If a completely toxic family who hates him can't get him to kick someone off, why even bother? He says that he kicked Bettina off because she was too reserved, and he never felt like he could get to know her.

We get the obligatory clipfest of girls drinking, running around in bikinis, drinking, burping, drinking, giving crazy "ravish me" quotes (cut to Hillary sitting onstage with her head in her hands), and drinking.  If you ask me, they could do with a little more drinking AT the reunion special--that would definitely have spiced things up! The reunion show ends with clips of Brad's relationship with Jenni and DeAnna--nothing new--and predictions from the former contestants on who will win. Jenni has a slight edge, it seems.

I'm still calling it for DeAnna, but what do you think? Did anyone redeem themselves for you on the reunion show?

For more TV recaps and commentary, visit Liz at Glowy Box.

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