'Kitchen Nightmares': Unclear on the concept

There are all sorts of reasons a restaurant can go wrong. It could be the wrong mix of people, a not-ideal location, spotty supply or crappy service. Or, as on this week's episode of Kitchen Nightmares, it could be because the guy in charge is an arrogant, delusional ass who wouldn't know good food if it was forcibly shoved down his throat. That's right -- in an unprecedented development, Gordon Ramsay himself is not the most arrogant or abrasive person on the show.

The post's concept is you pick one of 20 spoiler combinations, and add in your choice of snark, sarcasm, derision or horror. Then you ... hey, where are you going?

Our restaurant of the week is Sebastian's, a neighborhood restaurant in Burbank, Calif., with one of the more complicated menu "concepts" I've ever heard of. It's kind of like a Mongolian Barbecue, but with pizza, except it doesn't have to pizza, it can be a salad or a sandwich or an entrée, too. Basically, there are 20 flavor combinations on the menu. The patrons try to figure out what flavor combo they want, then choose whether they want it added to, or made with, chicken, steak, portabella mushroom or shrimp. Plus, there's a gazillion other choices, as well. My head huts just thinking about it.

The man in charge is Sebastian himself, a part-time actor whose mama taught him to cook -- apparently by opening packages and heating them in the microwave. I wish I were kidding -- Sebastian likes to say everything is made fresh, but it really comes out of a package and is nuked or fried and then jumbled together before being slapped down in front of the customer.

Here's where I got a bit confused -- had Sebastian actually watched the show before he applied to be on it? I can't believe he ever had, because Sebastian seemed to be expecting Ramsay to waltz in and say "Oh, what fabulousness you have here! I wouldn't change a thing! You're my culinary BFF, and let me invest in your franchise!" That's not the way it works. Ramsay comes in flinging f-bombs and rough judgments as he ransacks the kitchen looking for anything that moldered. He's is tough and a bit of a bastard, but it's all in the service of really, really good food.

On the upside, there wasn't much filth to be discovered in Sebastian's -- no moldy vegetables, no scurrying rodents, just (and I use the word "just" advisedly) a hair in someone's salad. Nasty, but nothing compared to some of the stuff he's discovered before.

But there's a reason the kitchen is so clean -- it's because precious little cooking gets done. Ramsay estimates 95 percent of the food comes out of a box or a can. The pizza dough is frozen, ditto the burger patties, the sauces come out of cans, and even the mashed potatoes come out of a tube. Ick.

So why is Sebastian so proud of his place? Why does he think this is something he could franchise? Because the concept is unique! No one is doing anything like this! Sebastian seems to assume "unique" and "tasty" are synonyms. They're not. There's a reason no one has done what you're doing, babe. It's because the idea is half-baked, at best.

The kitchen staff is thrilled when Ramsay comes in and, in a flurry of obscenities (god love the Brits), insists the restaurant start serving real food that they make from scratch. He suggests actually using those two (two!!) wood-burning pizza ovens to, you know, cook things, instead of just using them for show. He streamlines the menu something fierce, and even gives the cooks a massive, envy-inducing professional mixer for making fresh pizza dough. Huzzah!

And those changes seem to be for the good -- the staff is talking up the new pizzas, the cooks are cooking, the patrons seem to be loving the food. But Sebastian is not a happy camper. No, he's a most unhappy, tantrum-ridden, crybaby idiot of a camper. First, he enters the kitchen and starts demanding the staff cook items the old way, with frozen ingredients and such. Chaos erupts. Then, he freaks out, curses a lot, storms out, shrieks about how Ramsay is a fraud, breaks down a door (hee! That wasn't staged at all, I'm sure) and bellows how he's never, ever, ever times a eleventy billion going to listen to anything Ramsay says. So there!

And then we get back from commercial, and Sebastian is contrite. OK, fine, Ramsay is right. I'll go back and run the kitchen the way he wants. It's all good. I find myself really, really hoping the scene where Sebastian was subdued by a team of 12 professional crazy-wranglers and fed horse tranquillizers until he was tractable shows up on the DVD.

Ramsay leaves saying this could be a good place, but he has no confidence that Sebastian won't screw it up again. Personally, I think the staff should revolt and take over the place themselves -- they seemed at least interested in actual food -- but they'd probably have trouble getting Sebastian's wife to foot the bill for a coup. Alas.

Highlights:

• Sebastian contradicts himself about 16 times in the course of the first segment. How dare Ramsay ask whether the calamari is fresh! Of course it is! If by "fresh," you mean "out of a bag in the freezer."
• Sebastian brags that he can "cook anything -- my ability is endless. Put it in front of me and I'll make the dish for you." He does not seem to realize that removing food from packaging and heating to the desired temperature doesn't actually qualify as "cooking."
• Sebastian has a couple of nonsensical conversations with Ramsay. When Ramsay walks out shaking his head, cursing and bemoaning Sebastian's spotty grasp on reality, Sebastian celebrates -- "I think I won that one!" Dude, seriously -- why did you invite Ramsay to come to your kitchen if you think everything you do is perfect?
• Choice quote from Sebastian: "Working here with Chef Gordon Ramsay, it's like, as an actor, having Robert De Niro say 'You know what? I'm going to help you with this role.'" I hope to god this man never gets cast in anything with De Niro.
• When asked if he wants anything else at his first meal, Ramsay requests "a sick bag."
• Sebastian explaining his philosophy: "It's almost more important for me to let this [meaning the food] go out at half the quality and go out and make sure that the guests are happy, and met the guests, and talk to them." And if that's his thing, fine -- he should be the manager, the front-of-the-house guy, the figurehead. He damn well shouldn't be in charge of food. Leave that to people who actually care about how things taste.
• Ramsay brings in some expert pizza chefs -- and enjoys the hell out of saying "tossers" over and over again. It means something different in British. And I'm sure he thought Sebastian was a championship tosser without anyone's help.

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