Premierewatch: 'The Next Great American Band'

The last thing I thought we needed was yet another performance-based reality series where America votes to find the next big whatever. Between American Idol and Dancing with the Stars and America's Got Talent and heck, two competing can-you-remember-the-words-to-the-song shows, I figured the genre was kind of tapped out. But I just watched The Next Great American Band, and you know what? It doesn't suck. The judges actually seem to care about musicianship. They only spent a little time on horrible acts, instead devoting time to people who could actually sing and play. There's hope for us yet.

Spoilers!

The set-up is the same as any other Idol-esque talent show: You've got a trio of judges, and a bunch of hopefuls willing to sign away any potential future they may have in what is doubtless a ruinous recording contract. Let's meet the players.

The judges and host
John Rzeznik of the Goo-Goo Dolls plays the Randy Jackson role -- not wildly supportive, not a complete hard-ass. He seems mostly awake, and makes reasonably good comments. I like him.

Sheila E. stands in for Paula Abdul, but with significantly less crazy. She's supportive, but she's not afraid to tell people they just don't have. Plus, she's Sheila E., people! Love Bizarre! Glamorous Life! I approve.

Ian "Dicko" Dickson is the Federally Mandated Acerbic, Soul-Crushing British Judge (FMASCBJ). But there's a difference -- this FMASCBJ comes to us by way of Australia, so he says "G'day!" when he's sneering at people! He's kind of an ass, but I tend to agree with him. I feel slightly dirty just saying that.

Dominic Bowden, who is New Zealand's answer to Ryan Seacrest, is our host. In this episode, he was mostly pointless.

The bands
Tres Bien, a bunch of LA folks who grew up on 60s music. They play an original that sounds like they're aping early Beatles. The judges like it, but I think it's too close to a novelty act or a cover band.

Light of Doom, 12- and 13-year-old kids who rock the hell out, metal style. They've got talent, and the sort of coordinated headbanging that will lead to serious neck problems in later life. Sheila loves them, Dicko thinks they're good but too gimmicky, and John gets browbeaten by Sheila into sending them on. I think they rock. But was I the only one who felt slightly pervy looking at a bunch of shirtless pre-adolescents strutting around the stage?

The Hatch, a New York hipster-ish band that Dicko compares to Maroon 5. Sheila makes the lead singer look deeply into her eyes before sending them on, in a way that made me slightly uncomfortable. They're decent musicians, but not my idea of a good time.

The Clark Brothers, who prompted me to call a friend of mine who has a serious stringed-instrument habit and tell him to tune in. They took a steel guitar, a mandolin and an acoustic guitar and made "This Little Light of Mine" a rocked-out barn-burner. These guys can play. They're also not difficult to look at, and they've got an interesting origin story.

Dot Dot Dot, a sort of new new wave pop-rock band with punk pretensions who did a pretty darn fun version of "Always Something there to Remind Me." Dicko warns that they might grate a bit after a while, and I can see where he's coming from, but I'm glad they're through.

The Mugs, a group from Dee-troit who describe themselves as the ugliest band there. They're not. They're not going to win any beauty contests, but they're not hideous. And they rock, giving me a sort of Black Crowes vibe. Great musicians, and another interesting backstory -- the bassist had a stroke and was partially paralyzed. He now plays the bass line on keyboard.

Denver and the Mile High Orchestra, a really tight big band (literally -- 12 people) with a great horn section. They're self-described band geeks, and I love them for that. Dicko thinks their main problem is their bandleader "has a touch of Ned Flanders." Ouch.

Sixwire, a country band with edge that says they're not from "our grandpappy's Nashville." If you want edgy street cred, it's possibly you shouldn't use the word "grandpappy." Still, they're great musicians, and a really tight band, so they deserved to go through.

Cliff Wagner and the Old Number 7, a traditional bluegrass band with, again, great music skills (and yet another mandolin.) When asked to perform a cover "that wasn't written by a 70-year-old raccoon hunter," they gamely do a bluegrass version of "Like a Virgin," which is utterly awesome.

The Likes of You, which starts off giving me a Muse-ish vibe (the lead singer has Matthew Bellamy's ability to hit the high notes), then settled into something more sedate that I'd hear on the alternative rock station. I didn't see enough of them to be able to tell how I feel.

Franklin Bridge, a Philly band (who I am obligated to love, because I grew up near Philly) made up of great, great musicians. There wasn't a weak link in the bunch, and they rocked out. Plus, Shelia asked the drummer about his influences, and the drummer didn't take the opportunity to pander.

Rocket, an LA girl band that I wish I liked more. They're going for the tough-girl, take-no-crap, we're-just-as-good-as-the-boys rocker chick thing -- heirs to the Runaways, say -- but I don't think they're quite there. They're good musicians, but the lead singer didn't seem to do it for me. Still, the judges sent them through, but it seemed to be as much for what they represented as for their skill. Alas.

Highlights and other thoughts:

• Why is The Next Great American Band going to be shepherded onto the scene by a Kiwi and a by-way-of-Oz Brit?
• I love that these judges actually, you know, judged. They told bands when they just didn't measure up. And we didn't have to wade through much "I think you have a beautiful spirit" crap to get to the judgment.
• If you don't want to be sitting in 110 degree heat, don't film your show in the Nevada desert.
• We had a couple of bands who had decided to quit trying if they didn't make it through. Neither made it through. One of them was a good bar band, but the judges doubted they could sell records. Also, they played guitar with a rubber chicken. The other was an alterna-rock band that got two chances. The frontman was compelling (if a bit of a schmuck) but the band wasn't as good as he was. John said the signer should be in Pantera. I'm reasonably sure he meant that as a compliment.
• One band incorporated a Theremin. You gotta respect them for that. You don't gotta let them through, but you gotta respect them.
• Polka is enough to push Dicko over the edge. I contend he just didn't hear the right band. Check out hardcore polka bands like the Polkaholics or Polkacide, then get back to me. (I live in Chicago. Don't mock the polka.)
• I kind of adored the Zombie Bazooka Patrol, who reminded me a bit of Uncle Tupelo, but with songs about being undead. I can see why they didn't get through-too gimmicky -- but they were actually good musicians.
• A band called Big Toe featured a bassist who was born without arms, and who played bass with his feet. He was great, but the rest of the band didn't measure up. And the judges were honest. Quoth the Dicko: "I'm not going to patronize you because of your disability. I closed my eyes and I don't think it's recordable." He's right. But the bassist was amazing, and should be in a better band. Actually, the main problem with the Pantera-singer band was the bassist. Hmmm.
• Dear Gothic Killer Clown band: You kind of suck. And don't you diss Ms. E.
• Mezcal, a Latin band with a female drummer, is thrilled to be judged by Sheila E. She's thrilled to see them there, but doesn't think their musicianship is up to snuff. She does play with them for a little, though, before she sends them home.

Dicko-isms of the evening:

• Regarding a band dressed as aliens: "Fantastic. 110 degrees in the desert, and we've got another bunch of middle-aged, loser timewasters who like playing dress-up."
• About a gospel girl group: "Like a semifinal in a cat strangling competition."
• On Rocket: "You're not the best musicians -- you're not even the hottest chicks we got in this competition -- well, apart from you...." When the lead singer snarks "oh, that's nice" he says, "Not you, the other one." He's an ass.
• Regard the Zombie Bazooka Patrol: "When you walked on stage, I thought you were just going to be another bunch of time-wasting clowns, but what a fabulous waste of time that was."
• Talking to Light of Doom: "I'm not altogether sure this isn't some sort of weird biological social experiment where they've been cloning rock stars and you're the first fruits of that..."

What did you think? Who are the bands to beat? Do you agree with my musical assessments, or do you think I'm tone deaf?

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