A showmance and a fix on 'Survivor: China'

I'm not a Survivor purist necessarily, but I do think there's a right way, a wrong way and a right-wrong way to play the game. Thursday (Oct. 18) night's Survivor: China provided me with several players to root against for the rest of the season.

Pre-Credit sequence. Like the lounging stock footage panda (probably photographed at the San Diego Zoo), the remaining members of Zhan Hu are just chillaxin' now that Dave's reign of hard-working terror is over. Explaining the new ethic around the tribe, Sherea says, "We sleep late and then we have a lot of relaxation time." Although Sherea may have survived last week's Tribal Council, though, her position is far from stable. The other four members of the tribe are cliquishly strategizing, while Sherea shows off her armpits to the camera and prays for a change to come in the game.

Virgin territory. Jaime and Eric are in loooove and it's like totally meant to be. Eric's middle name is Taylor, which is awesome, because Jaime once had a friend named Taylor! Jaime's middle name is Nicole, which rules, because Eric's neighbor's high school boyfriend had a hunting dog named Nicole. Kismet, maybe! Eric is feeling so open with his new BFF that he tells her that he's a virgin. She's clearly perplexed -- he says he just hasn't met the right person -- but she views this as a sign that he's trustworthy. She doesn't detail her sexual history, instead playing for his trust by telling him about the hidden Idol.

The Odd Couple. Eric and Jaime aren't the only couple feeling sparks, though Fei Long's duo is only gettin' nasty in an alternate universe. It turns out that James doesn't just respect mulleted Denise for the work she does around camp, noting "I like women like her. She's a strong, good woman." He informs us that if Denise were 10 years younger and this were Bizarro-World, Denise would be in trouble. For her part, Denise is happy to ride James' coattails, though she indicates no sparks. We, um, wonder why not. This unlikely non-showmance is interrupted by the arrival of a boat and a message asking them to pick the two strongest members of the opposing tribe. It's slim pickings, but they go with Frosti and Sherea. They're also immediately aware that Zhan Hu probably received a similar visit and that they'll inevitably pick Aaron and James. "Oh, the humanity," James responds.

Zhan Hu? They're pretty stupid. Indeed, the fisherman arrives at Zhan Hu with the same message, which the intelligence-challenged yellow tribe interprets as a sign that the momentum of the game has switched. They figure that for no reason, they're going to get to pick up Aaron and James without losing anything. That's dumb. That's as dumb as starting Coco Crisp and his sub-.200 batting average and leaving Jacoby Ellsbury on the bench. They only realize their idiocy when another message instructs them that Frosti and Sherea are going the other way. How dumb are they? Let's let Sherea explain. "We didn't think of it at all. That was real dumb." Yes. Yes it was.

Putting things in perspective. James feels lonely because he never really bonded with Aaron and now he's being set adrift. Denise feels lonely because she's going to miss James. Courtney feels lonely because she's beginning to look like one of the skeletons from Nightmare Before Christmas and she's stuck amongst the fleshy, tanned living. But nobody feels worse about the state of affairs that Jean-Robert, who holds a strategy meeting to try to make it clear that no matter how much his teammates hate him, they should hate the interlopers more. "Today is a terrible day for Fei Long and today is a God-awful day for Jean-Robert," he says.

Misery hates happy company. Aaron and James are welcomed with hugs over at Zhan Hu. It isn't just that they're big strong Alpha Males arriving at a tribe that voted out its only two Alpha Males in Dave and Ashley. They're greeted with hugs because the Zhan Hu tribe is just happy, which rubs James the wrong way. As he puts it, "My people are miserable over there. I like misery." James vows to do all of the labor around the camp to get them ready for the challenge.

The Lazy Sloth strategy goes South. Remember what Jean-Robert told us early on? His goal was to be lazy at first so that when he actually got going, everybody would admire his labor. Ooops. The morning after the arrival of the Zhan Hu castaways, Jean-Robert is up early making fire, cooking and getting ready for the day. His efforts aren't well received, mostly because he tries to spread his work ethic in forcible ways, prompting mockery from Denise and Courtney. Frosti, uncomfortable upon his arrival, raves, "Waking up to everybody bashing Jean-Robert was better than the food we got the night before." .

We're fixin' to fix. For some reason, everybody is assuming that this swap is a permanent move. Did anything in the original message indicate this? In any case, while James is being a workhorse, Aaron is bonding with his new tribe, making it clear that for now James is an asset, but that he could be an immunity hog after a merge. Peih-Gee likes Aaron, but senses he's being crafty and pulls Jaime aside. The two women come to the inclusion that if they throw two straight immunities and vote out Aaron and James, it will make things even if there's a merge at 10.

Immunity, Schmimmunity. It's a challenge mixing diving, a puzzle and the signs of the Chinese Zodiac and Zhan Hu finishes the swimming part of the challenge with a comfortable lead. Then Jaime proceeds to single-handedly throw the challenge in the most ridiculous way possible. Imagine Lefty Williams and Swede Risberg giggling as they threw the 1919 World Series. Jaime begins by tossing a puzzle piece in the weeds. Then she stands around smiling and laughing as James desperately tries to figure things out. He can't do it alone and Fei Long wins. Oh Jaime, I liked your perkiness and your dimples, but you're dead to me.

Tee-hee, losing is ever so much fun. James is outraged, but not for the right reasons. He thinks Peih-Gee and Jaime are stupid and immature, not that they're deceitful. The Proud Losers can't stop laughing at how cool they were and Eric is sent to investigate. He isn't pleased when he hears about the challenge-throwing, but he already told Jaime he's a virgin and so he's pretty much made his bed. Eric wants James out first, but the girls trust Aaron even less. Peih-Gee approaches James and tells him that all he has to do is tell her he wants to stay and he'll survive. James won't do it and the girls indicate to Aaron that the gravedigger is gone.

Tribal Council. Jeff asks Jaime point blank about throwing the challenge. She agreed that she did and smiles widely. Jeff asks James if this drives him nuts, not that he needs to. James goes ballistic, particularly when the girls try to justify their move, yelling, "What kind of sense does that make? What kind of dumb do you take me for?" Jeff, it should be noted, is a James kinda guy. He looks ready to slap Jaime.

The vote. Oh those tricky editors! It looked like James was going home. Wrong! The only person who voted for James was Aaron. James' vote goes for Peih-Gee and the rest go against Aaron. Jeff warns the three nitwits that if their assumptions about the game don't follow through -- particularly the 10-person merge -- they could be in trouble.

Throwing a challenge -- Good strategy or bad karma? Are you, like I am, just waiting for payback now?

E-mail

• Digg
• Facebook
• Fark
• Yahoo Buzz
• Stumbleupon