Premierewatch: 'Desperate Housewives'

It's a new season on Desperate Housewives, and you know what that means! New neighbors, with new secrets. Although in tonight's episode, which picks up one month after the season finale left off, there were more than enough secrets to go around. All in all, a pretty good start to the season, although it wasn't as engaging as the show once was. Probably because at this point, I think it's impossible for Marc Cherry to shock me anymore. Also, because the characters are largely pretty annoying and ridiculous. But hey, they still make for some relatively entertaining television, and I welcome the new blood to freshen things up a little. (Secrets and spoilers ahead...)

The new neighbors are Katherine (played by Dana Delany), Adam, and Dylan. Katherine and Dylan, her daughter, used to live on Wisteria lane with Katherine's aunt, Mrs. Sims. After a sudden departure 12 years ago, Katherine and Dylan have returned to care for Mrs. Sims with Katherine's new husband, Adam, who is a gynecologist. Katherine, it should be noted, is awful, and highly likely to get into a catfight with Bree, hopefully sooner rather than later. 

Mysteriously, Dylan can't remember anything about her time living at Wisteria Lane as a child, even her former best friend, Julie. Julie, for her part, doesn't even think Dylan is the same girl--especially after Dylan confesses that her earliest "memory" is a recurring dream about a man in her room trying to grab her, and that her mom freaked out when she asked about going into therapy for it. Oh, and Katherine won't let her live in one of the rooms in the house, because of something that happened there in the past, I think. So...either "Dylan" was kidnapped by Katherine and her first husband after the real Dylan died accidentally or something, or else some horrible traumatic thing happened and they somehow brainwashed Dylan completely. They're only back in Wisteria Lane because they had "no choice." Bananas!

Let's get caught up with the old gang, shall we?

Edie never intended to kill herself. She just hung onto the ceiling until she heard Carlos get home, and then waited for him to find her. Which he did, although not immediately. Unfortunately for Carlos, Edie's "suicide attempt" put an end to the plans he and Gabby had to run away together (on her wedding night, natch), because Carlos responds well to emotional blackmail. One month later, Edie is out of the "clinic" and back on The Lane, where she immediately busies herself nosing into Carlos' personal affairs, including his $10 million offshore bank account (which you'd think would be better hidden), so she can more literally blackmail him into staying with her. What the heck happened to Edie? She used to be so confident, and now she's just disgustingly needy and co-dependent. And also very mentally unbalanced. I guess this is what you get when you focus a man-eater's attentions on just one man...yikes.

Susan senses that Mike isn't totally satisfied with married life, and only gets more worried when Adam, acting as her substitute OB-GYN, suggests that she may be starting menopause. Ouch. She freaks out, as expected. However, it turns out that it's not so much menopause. In fact, she's pregnant (insert sarcastic gasp here). And finally, Mike is happy. Susan seems happy, but she said before that she didn't want (more) kids. That's quite the change of heart. Although I guess when the alternative is menopause... Knowing this show, though, Susan and Mike can't finally settle down and have a normal, happy relationship. Thus, I'm betting the baby is Ian's. Who's with me?

Lynette is bald. And the bald cap hiding all her hair makes her head look huge. Like, alien huge. Oh, and she spends most of the episode pretending to everyone but Tom and her mother that she doesn't have cancer. Um, what? With the how? And the huh? Is that even possible? I mean, I know she slips up once and barfs in someone's purse during a school play, but it seems like you wouldn't be able to hide a month of chemo while still maintaining your normal schedule. Anyway, she reveals all in a fabulous de-wigging, but her friends are understandably upset that she'd keep something like that from them. Thus, a "no more secrets" pact is formed and broken instantaneously, because who on this show doesn't have crazy secrets?

Bree, for her part, is still pretending to be pregnant. Despite accidentally stabbing her fake belly with a barbeque fork in front of witnesses at a party. Orson tries to be the voice of reason, but she refuses to give up the charade, correctly stating that Danielle is totally incapable of raising a healthy child. Of course, by that standard, Bree's not really one to judge. However, she really wants a second (third, really) chance at it, and Orson won't deny her that. Man, if I were Bree, I would fake needing bed rest pretty darn soon, especially with a gynecologist hanging around.

Gabby is still with the Mayor, but only in body (and not much of that, either, since he's busy with work all the time). In spirit, she's waiting to run away with Carlos. It might be a long wait. But in the meantime, she and Carlos sleep together on the sly, though it seems inevitable that they'll be totally, totally busted. Probably by a homicidal Edie.

My favorite quote of the episode, by the way, was when Edie was openly discussing her "suicide attempt" with the women at a barbeque, much to their shock. "It's okay. The doctor encouraged me to talk about it." -Edie. "Surely not over food." -Bree. This show has its ups and its downs (and yes, a lot of downs lately), but it's almost worth watching for Bree's quips alone. No sign of the gay couple so far, but I kind of can't wait, if only to see how Bree reacts to them.

How did you feel about the season premiere? Did the latest mystery grab you? Is anyone even still watching this thing, or have you all switched your season passes to Dirty Sexy Money?

For more TV recaps and commentary, visit Liz at Glowy Box.

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