'Who Do You Think You Are?'

When life gives you lemons, pack up and run to one of the most hostile environments on Earth. That's not exactly great advice, but it makes for interesting television - especially in the case of Gold Rush: Alaska, airing Fridays on Discovery Channel. With his aviation business going down the drain thanks to the economy, Todd Hoffman decided to do what almost no one does: He packs up everything (friends and family included), heads into Alaska's southeastern region, leases a gold claim and starts digging. So if you love the pioneering spirit - and gold! - call your friends, because we're throwing a Gold Rush: Alaska party!

When Aarti Sequeira won season 6 of The Next Food Network Star, we were sure we'd be spoon-fed Indian cuisine until our eyes watered. But now that her new show, Aarti Party, is airing Sundays on Food Network, we realize that America might actually be ready for ginger ice cream and cumin. For real. So if you thought Aarti deserved to win (she totally did) and wish that Slumdog Millionaire was the name of a curd and rice dish, call your friends and neighbors because we're throwing an Aarti Party party!

We've all been there: the day that Mommy and Daddy decide to stop paying for your Chihuahua's personal stylist and expecting you to start doing something called "chores." But to have your credit cards cut up in front of your very eyes and be told, You're Cut Off - a reality series airing Mondays on VH1 - is just wrong. These poor girls are used to Ferraris and furs, not Toyotas and tacos. Can they be rehabilitated and taught how to earn their own keep? Ummm. We don't like their chances. But if you love watching spoiled girls sleep on nonmatching linens, call your friends and neighbors, because we are throwing a You're Cut Off party!

The next time you complain about having to leave early for work because of bad weather, you'd better take a quick look in the mirror and adjust your crown, because you are King of the Wimps. It's about the only headgear not sported by the Tweto family, the stars of Flying Wild Alaska, airing Wednesdays on Discovery Channel. As the owners and operators of Era Alaska, they constantly battle hurricane-force winds and temperatures in the 40s - below zero - while flying planes. So if you love taking your life into your own hands and having it cold enough so that you don't need to plug in your refrigerator, call your friends, because we're throwing a Flying Wild Alaska party! (Sarah Palin optional.)

Each new year brings with it the anticipation that we might finally be visited by extraterrestrials. And now seems like as good a time as ever to prepare for the possibility that our newfound friends might actually just want to eat us or use us as forced labor. (It's true.) To see how this might turn out, tune into V, airing Tuesdays on ABC. At first we'll be dazzled by their technology and stylish haircuts, but before long their true colors (green) will be revealed, and we'll have to hope the fact that the kid waiting tables at the local cafe who never washes his hands might be a blessing in disguise. (You know, germs.) So if you're an earthling and feel like cuddling, call your friends because we're throwing a V party!

If you were asked to name something you can't live without, you'd certainly rattle off food and shelter, but most of us would also say our cars. As Americans, we consider our cars not only part of our families but extensions of ourselves. That's why Top Gear, airing Sundays on History, should end up being as successful as its British namesake. We can't get enough of cool cars, odd transportation and fast driving. So if you're American - or perhaps British (because, you know, they're grandfathered in) - call your friends and neighbors; we're throwing a Top Gear party!

Well, another year has bit the dust. But as is so often the case, we all debate just how to usher out one year and welcome another. This year might we recommend the woman who brought us both Barry Manilow and Otto Titsling - Bette Midler and her The Showgirl Must Go On special Friday, Dec. 31, on HBO. Nothing says "Hiya, New Year" like a 65-year-old woman taking us back through the golden year of gay bathhouses with her show from Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. So if you love jokes about cocaine and menopause, call your friends and neighbors, we're throwing a Showgirl Must Go On New Year's Eve party!

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout. Why? Because Santa Claus doesn't want to hear your crap. He's tired. He's cranky, and frankly, his cholesterol is through the roof. So unless you want coal making an appearance later this week, just lie low and don't rock the boat because Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town, and the entire thing is being aired Friday, Dec. 24, on ABC Family. Replete with back story, S.D. "Special Delivery" Kluger (Fred Astaire), an early version of Anderson Cooper, tells us of the fire that forged our red-suited hero. So if you love Christmas the way a penguin loves a scarf, call your friends because we're throwing a Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town party!

College life in the 1980s was the perfect mixture of optimism, capitalism and preppyism (perhaps not a word). And if you were lucky enough to have experienced it firsthand - you're old. Sorry, but it feels true. Regardless, why not relive your glory days by watching Glory Daze Tuesdays on TBS? If you remember hitting the books between attempts at solving a Rubik's Cube or moussing your hair or playing Space Invaders, this show will bring back great memories. And at your age, shouldn't you sit back and enjoy a few memories? So call your friends and neighbors and even your totally awesome college roommate, because we're throwing a Glory Daze party!