'Bachelor Pad' recap: Sleeping Bee

In the immediate aftermath of Michael's surprise ouster (surprise mainly because the make-it-up-as-we-go-along Bachelor Pad changed the rules), Rachel runs crying up to her room while Jaclyn comforts her. She whines a lot about how she was falling in love or whatever, and doesn't know how she can continue, and the more she whines, the less sympathy I have for her. Jaclyn, meanwhile, calls it a "dirty ****ing game" like this is some sort of high-stakes life-and-death situation instead of a rinky-dink low-rent game show where the main goal is to avoid contracting the clap or dying of alcohol poisoning. Really, the biggest bummer is that weapons-grade douchebag Chris is still in the house.

Chris Harrison strolls in to the house to tell everyone about the newest rule change: That from now on people are voting as couples and being voted off as couples. You know, at least until next week, when things change again. And since Nick, who I don't know who that is, doesn't have a partner, he's going to be paired up with Rachel, who I'm surprised is barely able to breathe, the way she carried on about Michael's exit. I'm not sure she would have been more upset if Michael had been literally executed.

Then everyone takes some time to talk about what an ******* Chris is, which I can certainly get behind, and that could really occupy the better part of the next two hours.

Then we get to commercial, during which my screen just goes yellow and stays that way for about 15 minutes, and even though it was much more enjoyable than the actual show, I've been looking forward to the hilarity of these alcohol-fogged brain-cell-murderers doing the spelling bee for weeks now, like there is no end of evil to this show? Blakely asks, "Who spells anymore?" in a preview. I guess the fact the need doesn't arise at Hooters too much makes her think no one needs to know that double-O's usually aren't represented by owl eyes.