'Love in the Wild': The Steele curse sends Kym packing

So every week - like five people read these. But I find this show delightfully trashy and I think my recaps are funny, so I am soldiering on for the five of you who take the time. I hope you enjoy these. What happened on "Love in the Wild" this week?

*fills up wine glass* And awayyyyyy we go!

Post-Couples Choice

Kym says Steele has a lot of the characteristics she looks for - like muscles and height. Meanwhile, Heather is super pissed she got ripped away from Miles for Adam the Meathead, but Erica is pumped to be back with Miles. Miles? Is like - whatever, they're both hot.

Theresa and Skip hop right into bed and Skip says she is "in your face" beautiful. Um, no. She's fake beautiful. Hope Solo is in your face beautiful. Theresa looks like she had a talented surgeon.

Meanwhile, Brandee and Ben continue to spiral down into an abusive relationship. By the end of the show, they will have birthed two kids and own several dogs.

The Challenge

The pairs have to canoe to Snake Island, get to "the old plane wreck," which is a set piece and not, like, a downed Cessna carrying Virgin Mary statues with heroin inside. Anyway, so Ben and Brandee start fighting right away - shocking.

Also, the canoe-ing skills of these gomers is kind of startling. I mean, I guess I'm too much of a Wilderness Girl (pop pop, Shelley Long!), but seriously, this is terrible. Favorite Couple Mike and Samantha are off to a rocky start because Mike doesn't read the map and just makes a decision, sending them in a wrong direction.

On the island, they try to make it seem like there are snakes just la-la-la hanging from the trees everywhere, but that's editing. At the "old plane wreck" there are a bunch of snakes, but production totally put them there. And probably poked them before the people came, to rile them up. That's what I would've done. Also, maybe that's an actual plane wreck - but no sign of any heroin Virgin Marys.

Commercial *pours more wine*

Steele gets excited about his spunk. Or Kym's spunk. It's unclear. Skip loves that he has a girl who "takes care of her appearance" and not a tomboy. In Skip's brain's Venn diagram, those two things are mutually exclusive. Brandee whines about thornes while Ben trudges through the jungle with the giant crate on his back.

Once back at the canoes, everybody really struggles with getting back into the canoes with their crates. Steele, like, sinks his canoe, the dummy. OK, dude. When you do that? You have to tip the canoe over, go underneath it and lift it up, to get all the water out. It's not rocket science. It's not even like 4th grade science.

Commercial. *wine*

Derek and Jess are really clicking, which is cute. They seem like nice people. But Samantha and Mike are struggling, which is sad. C'mon guys, tough it out! So the couples finish Derek/Jess, Skip/Theresa, Sam/Mike, Miles/Erica, Jessica/Jason, Ben/Brandee, Steele/Kym and Adam/Heather. Poor Heather.

Midnight at the Oasis

Derek and Jess seem to be getting along well, at least they are enjoying their champagne. But back at the cabins, Skip and Theresa ... shower together! Huh. Are they totally naked? They seem to be. Well then.

Steele hilariously thinks he's going to get to choose between Kym and Erica. Um, Erica finished before you, dude. Miles seems to feel the way I do - Steele is a cocky dummy.

And Samantha and Mike are still fighting. O.M.G. If those two crazy kids can't work it out, what hope do any of us have?! *wine*

Back at the Oasis, Derek talking-heads that Jess is cool, but if he has the chance, he'll poach Samantha. Hmm, intrigue.

Meanwhile, Jason is creeping Jessica out with his "Love me! BE WITH ME!" schtick. Seriously, he's a weirdo and he's really putting her (and me) off.

The next morning, Erica and Steele are having a moment - dun dun dun. And Mike and Samantha go on a cutey picnic. He is trying to make it up to her and she seems to be open to working it out.

Couples Ceremony

Going into the CC, Jess is unsure of Derek. Meanwhile, Steele is still acting like he has a choice to make. Um, dude. You're the second to last couple! Can't you count?! Actually, probably not. Jessica also confesses that she'll probably stay with Jason if he asks just so she can stay in the competition longer. Heh.

At the CC, Derek and Jess are up first. We're back to the guys going first and Derek chooses to stay with Jess, who agrees. Next up is Skip/Theresa and since they were showering naked together, I'd assume they're going to stay. And they do.

Mike/Samantha are next and they also stay together. Miles/Erica are next and this is where it gets interesting. Miles chooses to ask Heather to be with him and she agrees. Aw, I Iike them. So Erica asks Steele and he gets to make the choice he's been preening about all episode. He chooses Erica, which is not a shock. They're totally gonna do it.

Jason/Jessica are next and Jason asks to stay and Jessica agrees because she knows she's down to not many options. So the big decision is down to Ben/Brandee, who I am assuming will stick together in all their dysfunction, leaving Adam and Kym eliminated.

And that's what happens. So - "Love in the Wild" is down to seven couples. Next week - caves!