'One Born Every Minute'

Childbirth has been around for a pretty long time, so you'd think they'd have most of the kinks worked out by now. But if you watch One Born Every Minute, airing Tuesdays on Lifetime, you'll think the Keystone Cops opened a neonatal unit. From dilating future moms looking to unload their precious bundle to expectant fathers ready to start the emotional scarring before the kid hits the atmosphere, this show makes you believe almost anyone can create a baby. It seems all the breathing exercises in the world won't prepare an orifice for a nine-pound screamer. So if you love the miracle of childbirth but prefer to experience it from the comfort of your couch, call your friends, because we're throwing a One Born Every Minute party!

Setting the scene:
Riverside Methodist Hospital in Columbus, Ohio, seems to be a magnet for couples who wish they could go back and redo that night nine months ago. And so we need to turn our living room into the delivery room waiting area, where friends and family will wait impatiently for the news of a bouncing baby or the premature passing of a new father. So fill the room with pink and blue balloons (seriously, we need a minimum of 100), stuffed teddy bears, oversized rattles and baby bottles, queen-sized pink or blue baby blankets, big cigars, huge pacifiers, blue and pink wristbands and a fake baby lying around (we especially like the Asian Multicultural Newborn Baby). Have a few people dressed as doctors wearing catcher's mitts and at least one person in a diaper with a rattle. Party favors can include DVDs of Knocked Up and Rosemary's Baby.

Attire:
Everyone should be given hospital scrubs and cigars.

On the menu:
You'll want to call Beech-Nut Baby Food directly and see if you can order Stage 1 Tender Sweet Carrots, Chiquita Bananas, Beef & Beef Broth and Squash by the case. Also have baby bottles filled with milk (or White Russians - depending on the crowd).

On the hi-fi:
Push It by Salt-N-Pepa; She's Having My Baby by Paul Anka; Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash; Baby Love by The Supremes; Isn't She Lovely by Stevie Wonder; One Boy, One Girl by Collin Raye; Who Needs Sleep? by Barenaked Ladies.

The showstopper:
We debated everything from trips to water parks to having each guest carry around an 8-pound watermelon for the duration of the party. But we settled on renting a 15-foot inflatable baby from Creatable Inflatables in California. Inflate it inside, then try to push it through the front door.