'Shark Attack Survival Guide'

You can keep your Real Housewives marathons and your overhyped sporting events, because this is the week that television was made for: Shark Week. There's something about slow-motion video of a great white leaping through the air to sample some tasty seal that makes us not leave the couch for anything other than an actual shark attack. And if that were to happen - because we do tend to watch a lot of TV while gently paddling our surfboard off the coast of South Africa - we'd be prepared, because we'd be tuned in to Shark Attack Survival Guide Monday, Aug. 2, on Discovery Channel. So if you spend a lot of time in the ocean, call your friends because we're throwing a Shark Attack Survival Guide party!

Setting the scene:
Your empty living room is painted a beautiful cool blue with frothy white foam waves gently kissing the ceiling. Flickering spotlights help simulate the undulation of the water in the deep, while dark green fabric cut into wavy strips and hung in clusters from the ceiling simulates fake kelp. Feel free to hire a local artist to paint cutouts of marine life and hang them with string at varying levels. Mix those with some inflatable tropical fish, marlins and sharks that can later be given out as party favors. To really drive the fear home, order a few shark replicas and hang them as well. Now buy a few used surfboards and lean them against a wall (if you get any cheap enough, cut fake shark bites into the side). Also have a little scuba shop to the side made of palm thatch. And hire a few kids dressed as lifeguards. Don't forget to have whale songs playing in the background.

Attire:
Swimsuits, wet suits, beachwear, snorkel and scuba equipment.

On the menu:
Let's turn the tables and serve shark! There are a bunch of wonderful recipes that all taste great.

On the hi-fi:
Under the Sea from the Little Mermaid soundtrack, Mack the Knife by Bobby Darin, Theme From 'Jaws' by (John Williams), and any of the songs that German scientists have discovered put sharks in the mating mood: Push It by Salt-N-Pepa, You Can Leave Your Hat On by Joe Cocker, Rock Your Body by Justin Timberlake or No Woman No Cry by Bob Marley.

The showstopper:
Without a guest of honor we might as well be throwing a Little Mermaid birthday party, so don't be stingy - go buy yourself a mammoth aquarium and order something Discovery Channel would be proud of: a real live shark!