'Glenn Beck'

It's 2010 and you need guidance on how to make it through yet another year of huge government spending, political favors and global anti-Americanism. But who, Lord, can we trust to give us the straight dope on the apparent corruption and insider shenanigans that are killing everything we true Americans hold so dear? If we even have to say his name, you are probably a card-carrying communist. Every weeknight Glenn Beck airs on the Fox News Channel in what can only be described as an antibiotic for the liberal and socialist agenda virus plaguing our nation. So if you love your country (and your country is America), call your friends and neighbors, we're throwing a Glenn Beck party!

Setting the scene:
When you love the red, white and blue as much as Glenn Beck does (that's impossible, by the way), you will want to dress your home in the American flag; have a copy of the Constitution hanging on the wall; paintings of the signing of the Declaration of Independence; and a lock of Harry Truman's hair under glass. You'll also want to set up a news desk with a large microphone and red phone on it. Behind that be sure to have a life-sized cardboard cutout of Beck so guests can get their pictures taken with it. Have stacks of Beck's best-selling books available as party favors (some are even autographed) and have a few Dashboard Obamas available to winners of Glenn Beck Mor(e)on trivia.

Attire:
Not surprisingly, Beck has a wide selection of shirts and hats that help you show your American spirit, whether it be a simple "Glenn Beck" embroidered logo polo or a "Drill Alaska" or "Satan's Mentally Challenged Younger Brother" T-shirt.

On the menu:
Well, pork is definitely a bad idea when you're mingling with fiscally conservative partygoers. Stick with steak and potatoes and good old apple pie.

On the hi-fi:
While Lee Greenwood's God Bless the U.S.A. is always suitable for looping, let's go a different direction and actually listen to Beck's Best of Callers Anthology, which includes a ton of callers to the Beck program. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll consider building a shack in the mountains and going off the grid.

The showstopper:
Aside from going to Alaska and drilling for oil yourself, why not just show our government there really is a need for more drilling by buying a remaining Hummer H2. Sure they only get 10 miles per gallon, but America shines brightest when its back is against the wall. Then add a "Hydrocarbon powered Eco-vehicle" sticker on the back.