The 'Lost' musical returns with 'South by South Pacific': Act 5, Part 2

Well, I hope you enjoyed the first part of Act Five of "South by South Pacific," Zap2it's very own "Lost" musical. When last we left our heroes and villains, John Locke's pow-wow with Benjamin Linus in Los Angeles didn't go so well, Jack and company boarded Ajira 316, and The Man in Black was about to find his loophole. Let's get back to the musical action, shall we?

Jack, Kate, and Hurley have flashed onto the Island back into 1977. They have reunited with both Jin and Sawyer, who is now going by the name "LaFleur." Both work for The Dharma Initiative.

Jack: All I'm saying is, those frequent fliers miles were soooo not worth it. I travel back in time, lose Ben, and get to hear Skaters mooning at the television for the second half of the season.

Kate: Well, to be fair, for once I said I WASN'T coming with you. It's kind of your fault.

Hurley: Dude, what's up with that name badge on your uni? It's all...French and stuff.

Sawyer: Name's LaFleur now. Living in Dharmaville.

Hurley: Sweet, can we be roomies again?

Sawyer: Um, er, uh, I kinda already have one.

Jack/Kate: Who?

Sawyer: No time to explain now. Gotta get you back to the Barracks pronto. New recruits are arriving, and I have a feeling our Iraqi friend just got captured by one of my twitchier colleagues. Time to make you part of the Dharma Initiative! Boys, take it away.

(To the tune of John Lennon's "Instant Kharma.")



Chang: Island Dharma's gonna let you
Save the world from all its dread
You better get your work assignment
Jack, you're working at the Shed.
Why in the world you laughing now
Seeing me now face to face
Looking like you got déjà vu
Do I know you? Yeah, you.

Radzinsky: Island Dharma's gonna get us
Hostiles somehow found the Swan
Better beef up the detail, LaFleur
Troubles are gonna spawn
What in the world should we do now?
We should all make a vow
Why in the hell did he betray
The truce we made?
Well, namaste!

Chang and Radzinsky: Well we all signed on
Like Roger and Horace and Oldham
Well we all signed on
Ev'ryone, come on!

Sayid: I'd accuse you of racial profiling, but I don't think that existed in the 1970's. So for now I'm just going to cry malarkey and look at you through my finely quaffed curls.

Sawyer: Look, thanks to me, you're still alive. Sure, you spilled the beans thanks to Oldham's LSD trip, but luckily they just thought you were mad as a hatter.

Sayid: Ben Freakin' Linus is here. Among you. And yet, you do nothing.

Sawyer: I'm doing something now: I'm letting you go! Everyone wants to kill you. Even Amy! Then again, when we first met her, she sonic fenced us into near comas, so her bloodlust shouldn't shock me.

Sayid: I'm not going anywhere. I'm right where I want to be. I'm on a mission. You better just listen, cuz...

Sawyer: Look, no Rob Base on my watch, pal. We're in the 70's now. Try something a little more contemporary.

Sayid: As you wish.

(To the tune of Billy Joel's "Only the Good Die Young.")



Sayid: Well, release me now Linus, come take the bait
Your chicken salad sandwiches made Roger irate
Come let me out, the Hostiles await
Just let me go get my gun...

Screw that four-toed statue, let it decay
Forget about the temple, it led you astray
For Nadia's death someone has to pay
You might as well be the one

Cuz Ben Linus must die young
That's what I said
You know that Ben must die young

You could stayed safe and sound with your Daddy in the Dharma station
You could have kept your role
Mmm, stayed as Alpert's mole
But now you're here in the woods and you're minutes from your termination
I'm from the future, see
A killer's all that I'll ever be
(oh woah woah)

Jack: OK, I'm not exactly a charter member of the Ben Linus Fan Club, but do you think interfering with things and bringing his body to The Others was the right thing to do?

Hurley: Aw crap, my hand's totally gonna disappear, isn't it?

Miles: No. Don't sweat it. We'll go over this later.

Kate: Look, Jack, you might be OK with the thought of letting children die. But I'm not. What happened to fixing things? What happened to that Jack?

Jack: Well, as you recall, I saved Ben's life. In the Hydra. Remember that whole, "Damnit, Kate, RUN!" thing? You didn't like him, either.

Miles: Ooooh, BURN!

Kate: Stay out of this, Miles. I had my reasons for returning. And until that's completed, I'm not going to just do nothing. I made a promise to someone back home.

(To the tune of Fountain of Wayne's "Stacy's Mom.")

Kate: I saw you talking to Jack at the funeral-a-a-al (funeral)
I was shocked when you said my baby was beautiful-u-u-ul (beautiful)
Did you ever think that he might be Claire's? (Might be Claire's)
It would explain how he wound up with all that blond hair-ai-ai-air (all that blond hair)

In going to the Island there's no guarantee
But I'll go to find your daughter, now, that is my decree!

Aaron's mom, I don't know where she's gone
But I'll bring her back cuz that's where he belongs
Carole, can't you see I must give you this baybee
I know it might be wrong but I'm not really Aaron's mom

Jack: Faraday, you're back!

Daniel: Well, I saw your cute little group picture and decided to take a little trip on the Galaga before you rip a not-so-tiny hole in the space-time continuum. Paradoxes are tricky things, you know.

Miles: But what about all that "whatever happened, happened" stuff? I thought we couldn't do anything we didn't do. Before. In the past. Which is our future. Right now.

Hurley: I'm sooo ready for Season 6, I can't begin to tell you.

Daniel: Nope! Turns out all my life's work? Everything I've based my assumptions on? Which you, in turn, based all your assumptions on? All the rules established over the past few seasons? Well, it's the 100th ep. So, forget all that. We're gonna change history.

Charles Widmore: Huzzah!

Daniel: OK, Renaissance Fair Widmore, you're not in this scene. Get on your horse and leave. I have me a bomb to detonate.

(To the tune of Phil Collins' "Don't Lose My Number.")



Miles: He left the isle leaving Char behind
Sadness was so profound
Spent his days at Ann Arbor
Into his math he drowned

Hurley: Now suddenly he's back!
I heard Miles cry, and Dan's been grievin'
Faraday: I have a way to undo all these wrongs
The answer was right there all along

Now vary
Go and vary up those numbers
To change your history
Then land in L.A.
Oh, now vary
Go and vary up those numbers
Release your misery
And start a new day.

Kate: OK, I'm going to file that plan under "backfire."

Jack: But maybe he was onto something. You know, before that whole "got shot by his mom, thus apparently his entire theory about variables" thing. This is our destiny.

Kate: Destiny? You know who you sound like?

NotLocke: Guilty as charged! If I had a moustache, I'd twirl it. In fact, if I had any hair at all with which to work, I'd be twirling it.

Jacob: Looks like you finally found that loophole.

Ben: Will someone here just hug me? I'm so lonely.

NotLocke: Sure, just after you stab my "friend" here. It's the last step in my plan, you see. A plan that's been in motion for a long time.

Jacob: Oh god, you're going to bust out the Journey, aren't you? I knew it from the moment I started hosting "Others Karaoke Night" in the shadow of the statue.

NotLocke: Damn straight. Hit it!

(To the tune of Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'.")



The Man in Black: Just a quiet boy, mama died while giving birth
He took the Galaga and met Annie there
Just a preemie boy, little there of any worth
I'll use these simpletons to cure my despair.

He saw his mom outside his room
He'd missed her since he'd left her womb
She told him that it was not time yet
He'd wait on and on and on and on

Richard found him, wandering beyond the pylons
Whispers spoke to him in the night
Sayid shot him, boy that sure caused some commotion
My plan was about to ignite!

Next John Locke would do my will
Thinking that he knew the drill
Doing anything the "Island" asked
Time after time

Took his faith, bent it through
And then I bid Boone adieu
The button pushing never ends
He pushed on and on and on and on

Deranged leaders, turning that old donkey wheel
Banished, searching to return
Then Ben killed Locke, allowing me to find the loophole
At last, I'll set it all right!

Don't stop deceiving
Manipulate those feelings
Who needs people?

Don't stop deceiving
Manipulate those feelings
Who needs people?

***

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Photo credit: ABC