Tyra Banks: 'ANTM' turns into a super-Smized infomercial

Inexhaustible self-promoter Tyra Banks seems intent on introducing a new lexicon of gibberish to "America's Next Top Model" viewers this season. On the surface this may seem like nothing more than a lame attempt by the host and her minions to generate Tyra-related trending topics and slang. But everything that happens in the Tyrasphere is a premeditated component of her ill-conceived bid to take over the world.

At the beginning of judging for last night's episode of "ANTM," runway coach J. Alexander turns to Tyra and asks, "What is this 'smize'?" A good question, Miss J, even if you were likely prompted to ask it. Throughout the episode, viewers are constantly assaulted with the expression--making its "ANTM" debut--by the models and other judges. It begins when Tyra appears in a black catsuit and silver cape emblazoned with "smize" across the back and declares that she's Super Smize. After a brief smizing lesson, she leads the girls to the set of "Far Out Space Nuts" and has them compete in a smize-off. Later, at the photo shoot, Jay Manuel reiterates the buzzword many times in his comments and instructions to the models. Tyra and her entourage of crazytalkin' automatons want to make sure that if you take one thing away from the show last night, it's smize. The relentless echoing of the word felt like being subjected to some weird neuro-linguistic programming brainwashing technique Tyra picked up at a seminar.

To answer Miss J, "smize" is Tyraspeak for "smile with your eyes," an old concept for the show, now rebranded with memorably annoying terminology. This isn't Tyra's only attempt at inventing a new catchphrase this season. Last night she also brought in "H2T" ("head to toe modeling"). In last week's premiere, the models are given "Ty-overs" instead of the usual makeovers.

But wait, there's more! Tyra, through her Ty Loke licensing company, filed 14 trademark applications for "Smize" which cover a vast range of goods and services. Specific items listed include the rather predictable (cosmetics, apparel, accessories), the unexpected (furniture, summer camps, video games) and the downright bizarre (inflatable mattresses, statues made of bone or ivory, toy wrestling gear sets).

So Tyra made up a word, filed for trademarks, then used her show to drill the neologism into our heads for an hour. That doesn't mean she's just turned "ANTM" into an infomercial at this point, right? Except Tyra filed identical trademark applications for "Smile with Your Eyes." And "Ty-over." And "H2T." If you still somehow doubt this was all a calculated move by TB, consider that all of the applications were filed over two consecutive days in May. Everything Tyra does is calculated.

Does this mean we'll soon be able to buy Smizeâ„¢ curtain rods, electric lint removers or binoculars (all included in the applications)? Not necessarily. Trademarks are granted for use with categories of products designated by the US Patent and Trademark Office and other agencies. Tyra could produce some of these or opt to make nothing and let the application expire. That's what she did with a 2005 trademark application for Tyra Banks-branded ice cream and other prepared foods. Or, as she's done five times with the application for Tyra Banks kitchen wares, she could file extensions while expressing an intent to make something in the future.

Tyra, never lacking in audacity, is using "ANTM Cycle 13" to pimp brands and products that do not currently and may not ever exist. This could be a sign that she's already fallen victim to her ongoing delusions about her importance and place in popular culture. In her mind, the entire nation is now thinking, "Smizeâ„¢ is awesome! Where can I get some of that Smizeâ„¢?"

Reality check: Tyra, we accept you as a modeling show host and you're occasionally unintentionally amusing as a talk show host, but the public doesn't hold you in the same esteem as Queen of Omnimedia, Martha Stewart. You're less perky and more creepy than Rachael Ray. You're not in the same league as media titan Oprah. Your recent big "magazine" launch was for an online magazine. The inaugural Letter from the Editor (that's you, Tyra) begins: "You know for years, I have wanted to do a magazine and it always seemed like a natural thing to do, but with everything else that I have going on--I'm like busy all the time--and I never felt like the time was really right for me to do a magazine." The time still isn't right. A fake cover image doesn't make it a magazine, Tyra, it's just a web site. Everyone has one. But thanks for doing your part to devalue the already-beleaguered profession of magazine editor, which formerly required some education, experience and the ability to construct a coherent sentence.

Don't assume that because we watch you that we like you, Tyra. Totally different. And it sure as hell doesn't mean we'd buy Smizeâ„¢ carpet tiles, decorative pencil-top ornaments, or any of that other junk.

-- More of Eric Almendral's media musings can be found at ericonmedia


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