'Scrubs' creator Bill Lawrence gets, loses the acting bug

"Scrubs" creator Bill Lawrence has one request when he agrees to talk about his acting debut on the show, which occurs in Wednesday's episode: "I'll do it, but you have to make fun of me. ... Torture me, man. It was mortifying."

Well, OK -- there will be an "Inside the Actors Studio"-style questionnaire at the end. But really, Lawrence does a good enough job making fun of himself.

"My only take from the experience was, A) does my voice really sound that nasal?, and B) is that how fat my head looks from the side and back?" he says. "I don't know how actors watch themselves without immediately having to lie in the fetal position in the dark."

In Wednesday's "Scrubs," the second half of a two-parter in the Bahamas, Lawrence plays the officiant at the Janitor's (Neil Flynn) wedding to Lady (Kit Pongetti). Because the show couldn't afford to send any other guest stars to the Caribbean along with the regular cast and crew -- other parts there were filled by locals -- Lawrence cast himself as the justice of the peace.

"In the script there are only two lines, but I fancy myself very amusing -- though apparently I'm not," he says. "... So when I married those two I just rolled the cameras for like 25 minutes and ad-libbed and goofed around. At the time I thought it was very funny, but when I had to edit and make a TV show out of it, it made me hate myself for the past three or four months."

Worse still, Lawrence claims, was a scene he shot after returning home in which he meets the Janitor for the first time: "Because we expanded the show into two episodes, we had to film another little scenelet back here, where there was no excuse to do it. It was just atrocious."

He says fans should look out for the moment when Todd (Robert Maschio) introduces him to the Janitor at a bar. "When actors walk into scenes they have to land on a mark where they're going to be in focus," he says. "I believe I'm the one character in the history of 'Scrubs' who you can see actively searching for where his feet are supposed to be when he walks in. [laughs] It's bad, man."

Lawrence's self-punishment aside, I thought the momentous occasion deserved the "Inside the Actors Studio" treatment, and he agreed to submit to the questionnaire that James Lipton uses to close each episode. Here goes:

What is your favorite word?
"Cut."

What is your least favorite word?
Hmm ... I'm trying to be clever here. ... I'll say "sleepy" -- it's not so much my least favorite word as a description of myself at this particular moment.

What turns you on creatively, emotionally or spiritually?
For me, it's the chance to work with famous, talented people as an actor, and by doing so, hopefully making them feel not so special.

What turns you off creatively, emotionally or spiritually?
The realization afterward that they're much more special than I am. I can't tell you how many times over eight years I said "Acting is easy" to drive everybody insane.

What sound or noise do you love?
I love clicks and buzzes, because that's what I'm hearing most of the time in my head when executives are talking to me.

What sound or noise do you hate?
"Bill, we have one note."

What is your favorite curse word?
I'll tell you weird one, but it's gonna make me look like a misogynist. My wife ["Scrubs" actress Christa Miller] used to say when I got hurt or stubbed my toe I yelled "f**k" or "s**t" too much, so now I yell "whore." [laughs] So that would be my favorite course word.

What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
Man of leisure. It's a competitive field, but it looks awesome. I also like that guy on "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives" who gets paid to drive around the country in a nice car and eat food. I'd be good at that.

What profession other than yours would you not like to attempt?
Male prostitute is too easy. Accountant seems kind of boring, and there's way too much math.

If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive?
"What's up?" Just because he'd want to shoot the s**t with me.

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Photos: Korbi and the 'Scrubs' cast in the Bahamas