'Lost': South by South Pacific, Act 4

As promised, here's Act 4 of our "Lost" musical, "South by South Pacific." I'll be posting the final act later in the week, so I can include a tune from this week's episode, entitled "Namaste." Tomorrow night I'll be providing a preview of that episode, but for now, enjoy some pop, 80's rock, Broadway, and even our very first TV theme.

Act 4

Jack and Kate watch intently for signs of rescue by the cockpit of Oceanic 815. The group has split, with half returning with Locke to the Barracks.

Kate: Are you sure we made the right choice in calling that freighter?

Jack: You gonna start doubting these crazy eyes, Kate?

Kate: Um, no. Hey, look, someone just jumped from that parachute! Let's go meet our rescue party!

(To the tune of the theme from "The Brady Bunch.")

Here's the story
Of a man gone crazy
Was a scientist but now his head's Swiss cheese
Watching television while
He cries his eyes out
For that blame Eloise

Here's the story
Of a real-life Haley
Who spent time talking to dead guys for quick cash
First he revved up his machine
Said "you can go now"
Then made off with the stash

Here's the story
Of a red-haired lady
Who's been busy in the desert digging bones
She was searching for her past
But found a collar
Its meaning yet unknown

Here's the story
Of a plot gone shady
And the pilot who discovered things were wrong
Saw his buddy's rotten hand
With no ring on
He'd worn it all life long

Till the one day when Abbadon met Naomi
And he told her he had something of a hunch
That these four should go on the Kahana
That's the way they all became the Freighter Bunch

The Freighter Bunch!
The Freighter Bunch!
That's the way they became the Freighter Bunch!

Sayid: Des and I are going to this freighter to find some answers. Lapidus, lead the way.

Lapidus: You betcha. But keeping the proper bearing is hard when flying directly into an electrical storm.

Des: Ach! Something's wrong in my brain!

(To the tune of K.D. Lang's "Constant Craving.")

Des: Darling, my mind's all ablaze
I'm losing my grip
A rat swiftly glides through a maze
Then I'm on a ship

Constant save me
I know it's you Pen

I wake up in '96
And call from a phone booth
You think I'm up to old tricks
I'll call in eight years
That's the truth

Constant save me
I know it's you Pen

Jack: Why haven't they contacted us yet? They left more than a day ago.

Faraday: Think of time as a record...

Charlotte: Wrong season, Daniel.

Faraday: Depends on your perspective.

Juliet: OK, this is officially ridiculous. Jack, try to contact them again. Daniel...hey, anyone seen where Daniel went? And where's Red?

Harper: Yoohoo! I got the 411 you need.

Juliet: Faaaantastic.

(To the tune of Bell Biv Devoe's "Poison.")

Juliet: Jack, I must warn you
Harper planted things in my mind
Yea, yo, this new station's mysterious
Let's hurry cuz we're running out of time
It's purpose? Electrical
At least that was it at the start
But now it's deadly
No time to explain, let's depart
Mm mm, check it out

Ben's driving me out outta my mind
That's why I have to go alone
To stop Char and Faraday
Find them, shoot them, stop them, deploy that gas and we're dead

That station's poison
Poison
Used in the Purge by the Hostiles
That station's poison

Poison , poison, yo, how'd it begin
Crying over babies, then met Goodwin
Ben got jealous, we had to lay low
Stealthy picnics served with some Merlot
Then 815 on the scene know what I mean?
See what I'm sayin' huh
Rather than overtly provoke
What did Ben do? Sent him to die with the tail folk.

Sun: This is not how I envisioned our rescue.

Jin: Don't worry, I talked sense into Charlotte. She fears my manly pecs and knowledge of her understand of Korean. She'll make sure you get off.

Sun: Me? What about you?

Jin: Um, er, let's practice some more English. How about we sing a song about baby names?

(To the tune of Jennifer Warnes and Joe Cocker's "Up Where We Belong.")

Sun: Who knows what these people bring?
If I stay I know I won't survive
Jin: All I know is you have to leave
If you don't, our child cannot thrive
Alone you'll fly
There is something here today
I can no longer wait to say...

Both: Be sure to name our child Ji Yeon
Oh please don't cry, if we say goodbye
Be sure to name our child Ji Yeon
Back in the world we know
Where our child can grow.

Jin: Half this ep, shows what used to be
Before my time here on the isle
Sun: The other half shows later on
How I gave birth, without any smile.
At home, they'll cry
And they'll curse for a while
That the structure did beguile

Both: Be sure to name our child Ji Yeon
Oh please don't cry, when say goodbye
Be sure to name our child Ji Yeon
Back in the world we know
While through history I go.

Ben: Hello, Charles.

Widmore: Whaddup, Linus?

Ben: You know very well whaddup. You killed my daughter.

Widmore: I know you did, but what did I do?

Ben: Before this turns into an epic back and forth of purple nurples, may I remind you of what's at stake?

(To the tune of Jim Henson's "The Rainbow Connection.")

Ben: Why were you interested
In Tovar's old journal?
And what he did write inside?
Thought you had vision
But you had delusions
So you had to leave our side.
So you were told
And yet you don't believe it
You still blame this on me.
Someday we'll find it
The Widmore connection
The Black Rock, Kahana, and me.

Your sole undying wish
No doubt made my cancer
That your spiteful self gave me
Desmond did turn the key
Then you went in action
And launched your own ship from Fiji
Then Keamy and his pecs
Came and killed my Alex
Doing so broke our big rule
Someday I'll sever, this Widmore connection
And kill you at last you old fool.

Locke: Well, Horace's map turned out to be correct. Here we are, again at the cabin. Who's with me?

Hurley: I suddenly have a case of the munchies.

Ben: Um, me too, this one's all you, John.

Locke: OK, fine. Here I go alone. Definitely not less creepy second time through. Hey, wait a sec, who are you?

(To the tune of Night Ranger's "Sister Christian.")

Locke: Cabin Christian
Where did you come from?
You say you speak for Jacob sitting in
That chair....near Claire.

What's the question
That I'm looking for?
Those soldier boys
Want to take this land from you
Adieu

Cabin Christian: Move this land
Make the isle take flight!
'Fore the land they ignite
That's absolutely right.

Please don't tell
Ben Linus you saw her
If you do, he'll infer
My plan, Oh man
Don't you stare at me
With doubting brow
To protect these shores
Will be your sacred vow
Go now.

Move this land
Make the isle take flight!
'Fore the land they ignite
That's absolutely right.

Ben: Move the Island? Oh $#&*.

Hurley: What does that mean?

Ben: It means it's time for an epic montage in which several disparate events culminate with me throwing up in Tunisia ten months from now. Parka to the people, no delay. Strike up the band.

(To the tune of Les Miserables' "One Day More.")

Ben: One turn more
With Pierre's jacket clinging onto me
That fickle bitch is smiling full of glee
The Island seems to know my crime
I can't believe this is my time
One turn more!

Sawyer: I have to sacrifice today.
I have to jump now from this chopper!

Ben: One turn more!

Sawyer and Kate: Tomorrow you'll be miles away
So let's say bye now good and proper!

Jack: One more day to watch them smooch.

Sawyer and Kate: One more cage kiss just for luck!

Jack: When I'm back, I'll drink up the hooch!

Sawyer and Kate:  Sweaty loins have run amuck!

Jack: Lord, this guy is such a mooch.

Sawyer and Kate: That poor Jack is such a schmuck!

Jack: Hope I haven't screwed the pooch!

Michael: One more blast of C02!

Jin: Is the helicopter here?

Michael: Then I'll regain my honor!

Jin: Shall I join my dear wife there?

Michael: The wires starting to get warm

Jin: Will Sun start to despair?

Michael: Where did that old man come from?

All: The Island will soon disappear!

Ben: One turn more!

Des: One more day to the reunion
I will find my bonny girl
She has sailed across the ocean
Our future will unfurl!

Ben: One turn more!

Cabin Christian and Claire: Watch those little schmucks
They sure dropped the ball
Can't believe our luck
So sayonara y'all

Donkey wheel did slip
Really not by much
Just enough to get John
Here for one more touch!

All: Tomorrow we'll discover
What Cabin Christian has in store!
One more flash
One more bloop
One turn more!

Coming later this week: Act 5!

Ryan also posts every 108 minutes over at Boob Tube Dude. He invites you to join the hundreds already in Zap2It's Guide to Lost Facebook group. He also encourages you to subscribe to the Zap2It's Guide to Lost Twitter feed.