'Lost': The beginning and the end

I know, I know...you're just DYING to read my take on "Exposé." For those of you expecting a "Stranger in a Strange Land" takedown, however, take note: I use and abuse the episode, but not with the same intensity I did before. I only have about one of those in me per year; it's kinda like pushing the button, only at a more infrequent rate. But don't worry, Lost fans: it's coming tomorrow, and the Less than Dynamic Duo will get theirs yet. Today, I want to talk about two other items in the Lost world that have absolutely nothing to do with Nikki and Paulo.

First up? The official Season 5 poster, that's what! It's all sorts of yummy. Click here for a majorly embiggened version. And yes, I know "embiggened" isn't a word, and I don't much care for your devotion to things like "real words."

A few things to note about the poster:

1. It's a variation on Season 4's poster, with a mirror image splitting the poster in half. Last year's featured an up/down split, with the real world reflected in the water surrounding the ocean.
2. This one features the Oceanic 6 (with team captain ben Linus!) along with Desmond on the left hand side, with John Locke (looking like a lumberjack, and that's OK), Sawyer, Juliet, and Those Freighter Folk Left Behind.
3. And yes, Des makes the poster! This makes me all sorts of happy. Not only will he definitely be in the show, but notice how the Oceanic 6 are positioned between him and Ben. I thought from the moment Season 4 ended that a major Season 5 arc would be Ben slowly working his way towards Penny to enact his revenge upon Charles. The positioning of this poster seems to indicate this is indeed on the minds of the writers. Imagine a scene in which Ben has a choice: return to the Island, or kill Penny? What a scene that would be.
4. On a more important note: Jack's slightly ahead of Faraday on the "dorky haircut" scale.

All in all, nothing groundbreakingly new here, but it's still great to see it all the same. Next up, we have something even less important than the poster, but six hundred times more hysterical. Remember the ARG? The one in which one attempted to be recruited by the Dharma Initiative? I know, I haven't talked about it for a while. Not like you've missed much. If you had to rank this alternate-reality game in terms of Lost episodes, it's somewhere between "Fire+Water" and "Eggtown." Translation: it wasn't very good. At all. Bad, even. Terrible, indeed.

You might have noticed that I used the past tense to describe the game. That's because as of today, seemingly, the ARG is over. Done. To refresh: the initial stage took you achingly through a laborious series of boring tests consisting usually of multiple choices in order. In short: it was AWESOME. Quite honestly, I forgot all about it until getting an email from Hans Van Eeghen, Head of Recruiting within the DI. And what did he have to say? Let's let Hans tell it to you straight:

Our plan was that together we would commence a glorious adventure: the revival of the Dharma Initiative using the myriad talents of all our amazing new recruits. We imagined not just fulfilling long abandoned goals but taking the Dharma Initiative to a new level of greatness as an organization promoting the peaceful social and technological advancement of all humankind.

Then the financial crisis struck.

Sadly, our benefactors were not immune to this crisis. In fact, unconfirmed reports suggest that much of the money designated for the work of the new Dharma Initiative was tied up in highly leveraged mortgage derivatives. This, however, cannot be confirmed because, I am sorry to report, the principals representing the benefactors - my employers - have gone missing. Based on bills still coming into our office we believe they are somewhere in South America.

This stunning reversal of fortune has forced us to abandon our ambitious plans. In fact, absent this funding, the Dharma Initiative was forced to make the only sensible decision we had available: we sold the Dharma Initiative to the television show LOST.

Um, what?

While this might strike some of you as a shock, the reason for this was not simply that they were the only bidder. As the only remaining Dharma Initiative employee who had not fled the country, I felt that at the very least the show would be able to keep the spirit of the Dharma Initiative alive and in the public consciousness until such time as a reversal of the reversal of our economic fortunes occurs.

So, the DI didn't get any part of that $700 billion bailout money, eh?

It is with a heavy heart that I must bid you farewell. Despite my fervent commitment to the mission of the Dharma Initiative, the realities of a broken marriage, heavy casino debt and some unfounded police charges have required that I change my present circumstances. It is with great excitement that I can inform you of my pending senior sales management job at a large multi-brand auto dealership in Dubai. I have enjoyed our brief association more than I can ever express, and if you are ever in the Middle East and need a car, please e-mail me for a special "Dharma rate".

OK, now THIS is high freakin' comedy, people, and almost justifies going through this ARG in the first place. There's an almost Jonathan Swift-ness to this letter, one that sneaks up on you not unlike Swift's famous "A Modest Proposal." Would I rather have had an engaging ARG than an amusing email? Of course, but I appreciate the self-depracating wit all the same. If the choice came down to paying for a location shoot for Lost or a more extensive ARG, I'll take the former, thank ye kindly. But there's something to be said about overtly owning up to the behind-the-scenes forces that closed down funding for the endeavor rather than let it simply slip into the night.

Luckily, there's a silver lining to all this:

In the meantime, you will hear shortly from LOST showrunners Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse. They will explain to you their future plans for the Dharma Initiative and how these plans might affect you.

Many people soon figured out that email had a secret embedded within it. According to those clever enough to figure this out, inside the source code was the phrase "DSAqandaatgmaildotcom." That's your direct line to Darlton: ask them a question, and if they like it enough, they'll answer it in some public fashion. Not a bad consolation prize eh? Thanks to Shaggysteve for also posting this info over on the Facebook group earlier today.)

So what are you more excited by: the appearance of the poster or the end of the ARG?

Ryan also posts every 108 minutes over at Boob Tube Dude, then peruses Zap2It's Guide to Lost Facebook group. He also encourages you to join the all-new Zap2It's Guide to Lost Twitter feed. Pretty soon he'll have as many platforms as Ben has pieces of leftover chicken.