'Lost': The real town hall

We're obviously in the midst of a heated political battle in this country right now. Now, I'm not going to use this blog as a pulpit from which I will spew my own opinions of the two men angling to lead this country over the next four years. But tonight's town hall debate did get me thinking about the power struggle going on over the Island between Ben Linus and Charles Widmore. What would a town hall between these two Lost titans look like? Glad you asked!

Alvar Hanso: Good evening, and welcome to tonight's debate. This will be a town hall style event, with past and present members of the Lost universe on hand in tonight's audience. They have submitted questions prior to tonight's event, and I have hand-selected a few to go before our two candidates tonight. So, without further ado, I give you Charles Widmore and Benjamin Linus.

(The two enter from opposite sides of the stage, smiling warmly and waving at the crowd. The crowd politely applauds but mostly looks like they want to kill at least one of the two men currently on stage. The two men shake hands while smiling widely, with Ben pretending to smash Widmore's skull in with his Baton of Death. We can see Widmore mouth, "Ha ha, you can't kill me, you glorious bastard," and the two take their places at the podium.)

Hanso: Each candidate will have a short amount of time to answer the questions placed before them. As moderator, I have the right to ask my personal question first, which is this: what the HELL have you two been doing to my Island?

Ben: Well, Alvar, I think the question's a bit misleading. Just because your ancestor managed to crash upon its shores some centuries ago doesn't mean you can lay claim to it.

Widmore: And personally speaking, I'm pretty sure it's mine, not yours, Mr. Moderator. Granted, I'm biased, but that's what happens after you're forced to turn a donkey wheel and get banished from the one place in this universe you felt like you belonged.

Alvar: So, you admit tonight that you and Ben left via the same method?

Widmore: I'm not saying I didn't turn a frozen donkey wheel, but I will say that my recent nightmares are filled with hieroglyphics and cold air.

Ben: Please, at least you don't have to watch Mr. Droopy Eyes, Sayid, crying after every time I have him kill one of your associates.

Widmore: What did you say?

Ben: Nothing. Next question!

Miles: So, fellas...where in the heck are we right now?

Widmore: What do you mean?

Miles: What DO I mean?

Alvar: OK, Mr. Straume, sit down, I didn't call upon you to ask your question. Then again, I suppose you knew I wouldn't, would you. Very well. Next up is...oh, great, it's Jack Shephard.

Jack: I've had six car bombs, four body shots, and a Zima. So here's my question: how the hell do I go back?

Ben: Jack, I told you to stay at home. He's right there. Like, four feet from me. And you're gonna ask me NOW? We're talking trade secrets here. Now take Locke's body and wait for me in the car.

Kate (as Jack leaves for the car): I'm coming with you!

Libby: So I have to ask: which one of you was I working for before Michael shot me?

Ben: Given that Hurley developed a special affinity with Jacob, and I was the one with closest ties to Jacob before his arrival, I used you to ensure I'd have a backup connection should a certain bald man try to cut me off. Hurley and I are candy bar buddies now! All things are proceeding as planned.

Widmore: Clearly, I sent you after Desmond after Ms. Hawking and her consortium of time-space continuum freaks told me his destiny laid in turning the fail safe key and revealing the latest location of the Island. Obviously.

Danielle: Which one of you knows what happens in my flashback?

Ben: Me.

Widmore: Me too.

Ben: Yea, we both totally know it.

Danielle: So, what happens?

Alvar: I'm sorry, Ms. Rousseau...no follow up questions allowed. Next up is Juliet Burke.

Juliet: Let me say first that I hate both of you with a passion that belies my generally calm exterior.

Widmore: Duly noted.

Ben (to Widmore): I taught her that, you know.

Juliet: But now that the frozen donkey wheel has been turned, and the Island moved, can we start having some babies on the Island now?

Ben: If I knew that would be true, I would have turned it years ago. And by "I" I mean "Goodwin," who is so far from a "good person" it isn't funny.

Widmore: I couldn't care less about any children on the Island. Not if I'm not on it. Who gives a sod? I spend each night drinking MacCutcheon until I pass out, and you want to start a maternity clinic on an Island that's by all rights mine?

Ben: Maybe because someone we care about VERY MUCH had a complication due to pregnancy, and is either dead or in a state in which I have to do everything a certain disembodied figure wants lest we lose that person forever.

Widmore: What on earth are you talking about, Ben?

Alvar: Excuse me, but the audience is asking the questions here, not you, OK? Next up!

Abaddon: Am I currently running things on the Island in Locke's absence?

Widmore: If everything's gone according to plan, yes.

Ben: Not for long, Baldy.

Horace: How's my cabin holding up?

Ben: Um. It's...OK?

Leslie Arzt: Was I the worst Lostaway ever?

Widmore: No, Nikki and Paolo were loads worse than you.

Richard Alpert: What are "birthdays"?

Ben: I hate you AND your eyeliner.

Four Toed Statue: Seriously, what's my deal?

Widmore: Four Toed Statue! Whaddup? I remember you when you still had a knee.

Sawyer: So, Captain Bunny Killer and Ritchie Rich: how's all this end?

Ben: With me victorious, bathing in the blood of my bitter enemy.

Widmore: Damnit! He stole my line!

Alvar: Well, that's all the time we have for in tonight's town hall. Join us next time, when we take questions directly from Dharmatel users. Thanks for joining us, and, namaste.

Ryan also posts every 108 minutes over at Boob Tube Dude, then peruses Zap2It's Guide to Lost Facebook group. He also encourages you to leave questions for the producers and cast of Lost here.