'Opportunity Knocks': Getting Punk'd by Ashton Kutcher

By Brill Bundy

July 16, 2008 7:38 PM

Here's the thing: while more than one TV critic has a couple of pilot scripts rattling around at home and a notebook full of great ideas for shows, by and large we don't want to be part of the limelight. We're really nothing more than wayward souls whose favorite classes involved reading books and then tearing them apart and putting them back together. The only thing that kept us from a career in academics is our desire to watch Beverly Hills, 90210 over attending Thursday night study group.

So when the TCA Panel for ABC's new game show Opportunity Knocks strays from the standard Q&A with producers Ashton Kutcher, Jason Goldberg and host JD Roth to a demonstration of how the show works that involves dragging unsuspecting TV Guide critic Matt Roush up on stage, I inwardly cringe for him. Then when video footage that was secretly taken of Roush's office starts to play on two large screens throughout the Beverly Hilton ballroom, I think, "Ha! I just moved offices and haven't had a chance to unpack. The only thing they'd find in mine is my cheat sheet on how to do a conference call."

See, Opportunity Knocks is a game show that comes to you. No joke, a semi will pull up to your front door, your family and friends will be interviewed, your house will be gone through and then in front of an audience of your neighbors you will find out just how well you know the people you live with.

When pulled into the action, Roush is obviously uncomfortable and is quickly excused. Poor guy.

Whew. Glad that's over.

Oh, wait. Now host Roth is asking for another nominee from the audience. And I'll be damned if my usually laid back, reserved colleague Rick Porter isn't nominating me clear as a bell.

What do I do? Well, we just had a Scrubs panel where executive producer Bill Lawrence referred to guest star Courteney Cox as a "gamer," or someone who is up for anything. I want to be a gamer too. I make my way to the stage. Luckily, they make Rick come with me. Honestly, what is that boy thinking? (Note: Afterwards, Rick quickly passes the buck and narcs on TCA President/New Orleans Times-Picayune critic Dave Walker for first giving my name to ABC. Thanks Dave!)

Roth ascertains that Rick and I have worked together on-and-off for eight years and because of this Rick thinks that he knows me well. So well, in fact, that he knows me even better than my husband.

At this point, the other shoe drops. For as luck and circumstances would have it, my husband Eric is also in attendance at Press Tour covering it for Metromix.com. Needless to say, he's now making his way on stage to join us. I expect to see my best friend or sister to be beamed in via satellite next.

However, this does explain the strange phone call my husband took that he was obviously lying about when I asked who it was (it was the producers asking him questions about me) and two odd conversations we had last night : "Do you mind people at Press Tour knowing that we're married or is it that you just don't want us to act like we're married when we're at Press Tour?" ... "Do you love me? Will you love me tomorrow? Will you love me day after tomorrow?"

First question from Roth: Brill was only allowed to watch two TV shows (both of them reruns) when she was growing up. What were they?

OK, they got this off my Zap2it blog bio. The answer is: Batman and The Banana Splits Adventure Hour.

Rick guesses M*A*S*H and The Brady Bunch. Eric picks CHiPs and The Dukes of Hazzard. They're both wrong. Eric gets points for picking shows that I watched first run. Way to try to shave some years off my age, honey. I appreciate it.

As if this hasn't gone far enough, Roth now strips me of any delusions that I may have had that we have any privacy in the Internet age by sharing with a couple hundred of my peers my personal microblogging musings about food.

For the record, I have always been quite fond of Kutcher. He gave me a fun, candid interview a decade ago when he was on That '70s Show that got me my first job in Los Angeles and I work the phrase "from the daring mind of Ashton Kutcher" into conversation whenever possible.

Still, as I stand on stage with my co-worker, my husband and Kutcher having my personal Twitters read out loud .... From April 21: "Why do I think mini-burgers are such a great idea? I mean, I don't like mini-pizzas or mini-donuts or cocktail franks" .... From April 3: "According to Time Out New York too many gummi bears will cause diarrhea. Is that true? If so, how many is too many? ... From March 29: "Who the hell thought putting carrots in a fritatta was a good idea?" ... I am absolutely convinced that this is an elaborate, immediate karmic piece of payback for what I moments before microblogged: "Ashton Kutcher: 'I don't believe any of us own ideas.' What kind of commie statement is that?"

Ahem.

I also check my fly at this point because I'm sure that's the only way that this could get any more awkward.

Long story shorter, following this recitation a cart is wheeled out with four foods on it: popcorn, gummi bears, red velvet cupcakes and Tito's tacos. The boys are asked to write down which one is my favorite.

Answer: Cupcakes. Rick gets it right, Eric guesses popcorn even though he's the one who gave the producers red velvet cupcakes in the first place. His argument being that I eat popcorn several times a week, having not followed the logic through that we always have a box of microwave popcorn in the pantry. Keeping cupcakes that accessible would have all sorts of consequences.

We end this whole ordeal with the score at Rick: 1, Eric: 0 and are allowed to return to our seats.

At least the plate of cupcakes they allowed me to take with me helped the reviews from fellow critics go down better:

From the Portland Oregonian: "Now they're shifting their attention to another critic, from zap2it.com. This is geting worse and worse. And weirder."
From the St. Louis Post-Dispatch: "Now this session has taken an evil turn. The producers drag critics up on stage and force them to answer questions on topics snooped in advance from their own lives. Nobody put in this spot likes it, and I've see similar stunts backfire in a big way, but two people from Zap2It.com play along nicely."
From Broadcasting & Cable: "Rick guessed correctly (red velvet cupcakes) while her husband guessed popcorn. Whoops."
From the Fort Worth Star-Telegram: "I've been acquainted with Brill for many years -- not that we're e-mail buddies or anything, but I always talk with her at press tour -- but I'm learning stuff about her now."

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