'Lost': No direction home
A lot of people seemed concerned by the ever-growing power of Google over...well, everything. What was once a search engine now does everything except hand you shampoo in the morning, and I heard they're working on a beta for that. But I can't get too worked up about it, especially when its Maps feature yields such wildly entertaining alternative directions that those from Lost could have taken in lieu of going on Oceanic 815.
That's right: they simply could have walked down the street, kayaked roughly thirteen thousand kilometers, and boom, they would have been home, lickety split. Or, alternatively, they could have simply used a good ol' fashioned GPS system, like the one my parents-in-law got us for Christmas. I heart this device; I truly do. We used to print out directions from services like Mapquest, only to find one particular step so egregiously vague or incorrect that we'd inevitably call the people we were trying to visit, telling them we'd be there as soon as we crossed back through customs.
But there's one feature I simply hate about my GPS: the incredibly creepy monotone voice that tells me where to go. Sure, there are multiple presets, but they are all variations on "insanely droning." I don't want HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey guiding my journey. I want a celebrity with a cool voice...like Sean Connery! I'd pay a good month's salary to hear Sean coming out of my GPS. It would be worth it to hear something like, "In five hundred paces, turn southeast, young squire." That would rule.
Then again, given my obsession with Lost, maybe I should just have characters from the show on my GPS. I mean, I might get sick of hearing Connery berate my inability to follow his directions; maybe I'd like different characters for different situations. That seems more my style, now that I think of it.
I mean, think about the following scenarios...
...after accidentally missing a turn...
Jack: We have to go back. WE HAVE TO GO BACK!
...when trying to calculate which route is better suited for my journey...
Kate: Well, there's the safe one. The solid one. Pretty dependable, looks like. The kind of road you dream about as a little girl. But there's this other road...a rugged one. Looks dangerous, but the rewards, oh, the rewards...
...when driving over a wintry road not normally serviced by plows...
Michael: SAAAAAAAAAAALT!
...when you've reached your destination...
Charlie: You're there, everybody!
...when you've changed roads...
Marvin Candle: Welcome, I'm Dr. Marvin Candle, and this is the set of directions for Route 66, or, "The Mother Road." In a moment you'll be given a simple set of instructions for how you and your passengers will fulfill the responsibilities associated with this particular stretch of road.
...when you're being followed...
Ben: You're gonna take this car and follow a compass bearing of 325 and if you do that exactly, you will find rescue.
...when you're going to fast...
Sawyer: Whoa, there, Speed Racer, how 'bout easing up on that gas pedal, now? No need to go all Steve McQueen on me.
***
I mean, I think this could work, don't you? I'd certainly sign up for the service. What other types of voices and situations would you like on this Dharma GPS?
Ryan also posts every 108 minutes over at Boob Tube Dude.
When you drive like a maniac through city streets and end up crashing into the side of an innocent Dumpster (or just about any situation in which the vehicle is not used according to its proper specs):
Hurley: Duuuuuuuude...
(Sorry about the multiple posts)
When you're at a T-intersection, and you can't decide if you should turn left or right:
John Locke: Well, Mack...what's it gonna be?
When you completely disregard the instructions of the on-board computer:
Ana-Lucia: (swearing vociferously in Spanish)
Every time you push the special button that tells you how long it will take to reach your destination:
Danielle Rousseau: (in a whispering, wavery voice tinged with French) Six...teen...minutes...
I've got tons, but now it's y'all's turn.
when you're 100 yards from the turn the system wants you to make, the "blip-blip-blip" from the Hatch clock starts until you make/reach your turn. if you don't take the turn, all systems will shut down on your car and the tires will explode. ok, maybe the last part of that one isn't such a good idea...
oh, and how could i forget our favorite celebrity spokes-syrup?? of COURSE Mrs. Btrwrth should tell you where to go!!!!!
When you think your GPS made a mistake:
Ben: Don't you know, I always have a plan.
When you're first learning to use the GPS:
Ben: What if I told you there was a magical box. And in this box was a set of directions for anywhere in the world.....
...And sometimes a left turn is just a left turn...
I'd love a Darlton-esque, we're gonna kind of answer you, but not really answer you and try to stay as evasive as possible and then end up giving an answer that's neither reliable nor considered canon.
When making an illegal maneuver:
Locke: DONT TELL ME WHAT I CANT DO!
"Um, why aren't we going to the concert hall? Isn't that where the show is?"
Faraday: "I can't say that is our...primary objective"
"Don't give me that crap! Computer, show me the quickest way to the concert hall, right now!"
Miles: "I'll tell you what you wanna know...for 3.2 million dollars."
"I want you to want to turn right."