'Lost': Marvin's memo
Being a Lost blogger isn't all fame and glory. Oh sure, you might sit there and think, "Man, I bet Ryan lives in a palatial mansion, lined with gold, with Jewel Staite and Eliza Dushku on-call 24/7 in case he wants to play ping pong and drink Fanta." And you'd be right, except Eliza's all about RC Cola. Also, everything above happens only in my head.
So it's not all fame, glory, and odious soft-drink fantasies. But occasionally, you get privy to some inside knowledge, the kind of stuff the mere plebians don't get to see. And I happen to get my hands on an exclusive Dharma Initiative memo. There's no date on the memo, but I've carbon-dated back to sometime between 345 A.D. and last Tuesday. So that narrows it down quite a bit, through analysis only us professional Lost bloggers can provide.
Here's a snippet of the memo:
To: Dharma Initiative Employees
From: Marvin Candle/Mark Wickmund/Dr. Edgar Halliwax/Steve Incensestix/The "Waxman"
Re: Proper Protocol and Procedures on the IslandsGreeting, fellow members. As you have no doubt surmised, you're on one funky island. I don't mean the type of funky that gets you into Marky Mark's crew, I'm talking downright weird stuff. The type of stuff you only thought you'd seen while tripping on some of Gerry Degroot's "bag of goodies" back at UMich.
With such unique properties permeating the work environment that our beloved benefactors have placed us upon, and since there's no way off this creepy place (believe me, I've tried...why do you think I keep changing my name?), we've put in a series of Dharma Initiative "do's" and "don'ts." Or, as we call them in the biz, Dho's and Dhon'ts. See what we did there? I know. Clever.
The memo goes onto list various Dho's ("Say 'Namaste' at the end of every conversation") and Dhon'ts ("Never stick your tongue against the sonic fence pylons"). But this memo got me thinking: what are the biggest Dhon'ts that our beloved Lostaways have committed? I mean, Lord knows there's no shortage of moments that make one wonder if the person involved didn't suffer severe head trauma during the crash. But upon closer inspection, I think I know the Five Biggest Dhon'ts in the history of Lost.
Minkowski goes for a ride in the Kahana's tender. Hey, you can't blame the guy for getting a little stir crazy aboard the freighter. So near as I can tell, there's not much for a communications officer to do when you're unable to communicate with anyone on a mysterious Island. But in taking a closer peek at the Island, his consciousness starting spinning back and forth in time, until finally his brain went all splooshy. It's like that old cliche: curiosity killed the Minkowski. (I think that's how that phrase goes.)
Jack follows Michael back to The Others even though he knows it's a trap. "Sure, they have had the tactical advantage all along, and we know we're walking into certain doom, but there's no way our invisible, all-knowing enemy will ever anticipate a counterattack." To paraphrase Saturday Night Live's Seth Meyers: if Jack Shephard made a plan in which gravity played a crucial part, all the Lostaways would be float into space while Ben looked on, bemused.
Locke insists on not pushing the button. He sought freedom from the tyranny of the numbers, only to find out he was jonesin' for an implosion. Locke was rendered mute, Eko nearly died, the Island was exposed to Widmore's group, and Desmond lost his clothing. (Then again, more than a few of you more than welcomed the latter development, I'm sure.) Walt knew the hatch was bad; Locke should have listened.
The Oceanic 6 leave the Island. Pretty self-explanatory: lonely, miserable, insane, alcoholic, estranged, guilty...but other than that, it's worked out pretty well for them.
Certain actors don't know when to hail a cab. Michelle Rodriguez. Cynthia Watros. Daniel Dae Kim. Daniel, I think you know how this story ends. (The Jin/Sun fan in me hopes not, but between the gravestone, the C4, and the historical precedent, I'm worried.)
OK, those are the five biggest Dhon'ts so far in Lost. Did I miss any? Leave your answers below! (Also, major props to my wife for coming up with "Dho's" and "Dhon'ts".)
Ryan also posts every 108 minutes over at Boob Tube Dude.
I think you´re being really nice here Ryan, since Jack could easily fill this list up alone, but you missed season one's Boone going into a plane that's just asking to fall of the threes, and the latest Jack command, after receiving the sat phone from frank ( "I think they want us to follow them").
Jack has total disregard for logic. He does only what he thinks is right. The Island even tried to tell him he is wrong, by giving him Appendicitis.
Didn't the Island take away Locke's ability to walk again back in Season 2 or 3, trying to tell him something?
Then of course there was Ben's spinal tumor.
- Locke OPENS the freakin' Hatch after Hurley sees the numbers and tries to stop him
- the age old equation: Artz (or anyone really) + old dynamite = 'splodey
- i'd rather play hide and seek with Patchy than get rescued by Kate, she sucks at that
I really don't understand the animosity toward Jack. Sure, he made a lot of mistakes as a leader. But I think we're all forgetting that he DIDN'T want to be thrust into the leadership role. In season 1, all the survivors looked up to him because he was the doctor but he obviously didn't want to make the decisions regarding everyone else well-being. So before we all start throwing the rocks at him, let's look at all the leadership examples we have: Locke (blows up stuff, kills people or Naomi, his way or the highway and his way is nobody's getting off the damn island), Ben (m***-murderer, the crazy eyes, did I mentionned m***-murderer?). I think Jack is looking pretty good so far: he saved a couple of lives and he's trying to keep his promises to ge them (obviously not all of them) off the island. For a reluctant leader, not bad. And as "The Decider", he gets to make the decisions and if those are bad decisions, well he didn't ask for all the following sheeps now, did he?
By the way, the only reason I still love Jack is because I wrote a psychology paper on him and get an A! Gotta love his character for that.
Dhon't tell a loony Widmore employee to go ahead and shoot your daughter.
Dhon't follow your dead father's ghost into the woods at night.
Dhon't let your girlfriend get bitten by a paralyzing spider.
Dhon't ever scream WAAAAAAAALT.
The thing about Jack is he's desperately clinging to the belief that he's a (deeply, deeply flawed) hero. Reluctant though he may have been at one time, he now has no problem ordering people around and making bad descisions and then reminding everybody that it was his call, he's responsible and he's going to save them all.
At this point, Sawyer's looking more like the type of leader I would want.
I'm not saying you're one of these people, Melissa, but I just don't like that there some fans for whom Jack can do no wrong. Try pointing out some of his flaws on DarkUFO, or even worse, on the Fuselage and it's like insulting the Pope.
Are we doing Dho's tomorrow? Cuz I've got a doozy of a Dho.
Jeff, I agree, Jack isn't an ideal leader. He second-guess himself at every turn, makes stupid mistakes and decisions and I won't even go into his latent machismo (me the man, you Kate, female, I tell you what to do!) ! But I'll take him over the m***-murderer or blind fanatic that are Ben and Locke. And I really don't think Jack sees himself as a hero. I think he's always thinking of how he screwed up or is going to screw up and how he doesn't measure up. Why do you think he drinks that much? It's because he's got that I-need-to-save-everyone complex and he's tormented by guilt.I'd even say he's stupid (a la Bush) because his hero complex makes him lose all objectivity: you can't save everybody! And as for Sawyer, we'll have to wait and see but yeah, the cir***stances seem to have brought the unselfish hero into him. Will it last?
Or the ultimate Dhon't...getting on the plane to begin with. Imagine if, instead, everybody decided that Australia's a pretty nice place to live, dammit, and never got on Oceanic 815 to begin with. Dhon't get on the plane, dhon't end up on The Island That Might Not Be An Island At All, But Some Figment of Some Four-Toed Autistic Boy (A La St. Elsewhere) Who Got Into the Nyquil One Night and Saw Visions, Dreamed Dreams and Sniffed the Cosmic Glue With John Locke.
As for those fans who just can't stand having their fave characters dissed (and are obnoxious jerks about it), just do what I do when faced with such people...tell them that they're just watching a TV show and they're foaming at the mouth over somebody who doesn't even exist, so who's the real jerk/*******/moron/choose your vitriolic descriptive? And if that doesn't shut them up, pretend they're on a TV show and that they don't exist. This is the internet: anything is possible, mwa-ha-ha-ha.
And besides, my problem is not with Jack. It would be nice if Matthew Fox could have more emotional range than just the two or three he tends to show, namely: constant constipation (which is possible, given the islanders somewhat, er, limited diet); what I call the yank-it-off-the-stage-from-the-wings smile, which involves a quick semi-grin that lasts only a few seconds at most before reverting to emotion #1; and what I call the Jack Catch-All Face, which is used to denote confusion, annoyance, anger, disgust, sadness and a slew of other emotions without utilizing any other facial muscles. Also, the reason why some people have it in for Jack is that, like me, we don't always like people in authority, and Jack has put himself in that very position, for better or worse. Sports fans who act like this are called armchair quarterbacks; for fans of Lost, I guess you could call some of us We-Can-Do-Jack-Better-Than-Jack-ers. Ain't none of us perfect, but some of us are more not-perfect than others (he said with an evil grin). And allow me to be the first person to do the Homer and say (misspelled, aye), "DHO!"
Dhont use a flashlight in the prescence of creepy cabin men, after you've just been told not to.
Dhont get pregnant or be pregnant anywhere on or near the Island. Even if you live, everything gets screwed up.
Dhont get Smokey angry; you wouldn't like him when he's angry...
Dhont follow visions of people you KNOW died off the Island. They're probably trying to lead you off a cliff or into an ambush.
Dhont ever take your eyes off Ben, he's always within 3 feet of a gun.