'Hey Paula': Keep your dog away from my teddy bear

Okay, are you excited? I'm excited. It is time for the season finale of Hey Paula, and, what's this -- the announcer tells us that it is going to be an all highlight and never-before-seen footage show! As a less than wise man once said: "It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited." On with the clip show!

First up, highlights of the first season. These start off with the all-important notion of "Paula time." Paula Abdul, you see, does not have a 24 hour day, she tells us she works on 48 hour days. She packs in the activities, she works hard for the money, and while we are told she never sleeps, we see her napping all the time. Paula also tells us that for some insane reason she always ends up on worst dressed lists. I don't see anything here particularly heinous, but I can accept this as truth. Ah, up next, the famed QVC clip, where Paula says that this is not the jewelry she worked on, and she does not know what happened to the other stuff. Then, the true highlight of the season, "the interview" and its aftermath. Paula insists, again, that she neither drinks nor takes recreational drugs. She is, she tells us, sick of "people not treating me like the gift I am."

And now, the never-before-seen clips of Paula Abdul, doing her thing.

Ah, Daniel. Paula's hair stylist, make-up artist, and best friend. In the first clip, Paula has decided to surprise Daniel at his salon on a Friday afternoon. She does not have an appointment, but decides to go in for a cut and color. The camera starts rolling right outside and follows Paula on in. Daniel seems okay with doing the work for Paula, despite the day and hour, but once Paula starts purposely making him angry, trying out make-up and purposely delaying the start of Daniel's work, he begins to get miffed. It is all okay though, Paula thinks Daniel gets back at her because once he is done coloring her hair she thinks it looks orange. No one else at the salon does, but Paula is sure of it.

The camera cuts to the next clip, now Paula is seated getting ready for an interview and is talking about how important her dogs are to her and how important pets are in general to humanity as a whole. She makes sure everyone knows that "if you take the word God and spell it backwards, it spells God." Off camera someone points out her error. Hilarity ensues as we move on the next clip, which is Paula complaining about the press during a doctor's appointment. She tells everyone that she has decided to just laugh off the stupid stories.

The next clip: Paula's dog humping a stuffed animal.

Did you know Paula Abdul is helping form a dance troupe? Paula is attending some of the tryouts, and is less than impressed with what she witnesses. The first dancer starts off in an overhead bin-sized suitcase and unfolds out of it. Another dancer is dancing in the tryout with stilts. Another falls. Paula is right to be less than impressed, but she keeps waiting for someone to catch her eye. By the end of the day Paula has a handful of dancers that have been invited to return the next morning.

We do not see the next morning, as the scene has moved on and we are sitting with Paula and Billy Bush. Billy is questioning Paula about her falling over her dog, trying to get the exact order of events down. Paula explains that she didn't want to fall on her dog, so she went over him, took a nose dive, and tore some cartilage. Billy points out the irony of Paula, a dancer, going down so ungracefully. Before he can get too far down this line of questioning, we fast forward in the interview to Paula getting a traditional Chinese massage from a doctor. Billy finds this "absurd" but Paula insists that "Shaquille can't take it as deep" as she can.

After Billy there is a clip that features Paula Abdul going to record a line for Family Guy. Her line has her being nice about someone not being good enough at what they are doing (we do not see what exactly is happening on Family Guy, but presumably someone on that show is not good enough for Idol). She convinces the producers that next time they write her into a show she gets to be mean, she wants to tell someone that they suck.

Never-before-seen footage starts flying more quickly now, first, Paula trips over her dogs (but this is not the trip that led to the cartilage problem). The trip is replayed and shown from different angles. Before we catch our breath though, we are in a limo with Paula as she gets to watch clips from the first movie she was ever in (a quick IMDb search leads me to the title Junior High School, made in 1978). The hairstyles are funny, the singing is ridiculous, and Paula seems to be having a good time watching. Speaking of good times, the next clip is her dog humping a stuffed animal (same dog, same stuffed animal, different clip).

Apparently cut from the show was a meeting Paula had at her house with Peter Lord, who produced her Spellbound album. Peter gives her a new track to play, which she loves. Sadly, the track is for another artist. But, happily, Peter and Paula agree to work together again soon. Peter thinks that she can put out some great commercial stuff, but that in today's market she needs a bigger butt.

The second-to-last clip features Daniel on his own, explaining how he sets up to do Paula's make-up (he brings everything because he is never sure what colors she is going to want). He informs the camera that he actually sets up the chair so Paula can lie down when he does the makeup, because she always falls asleep in the chair. Somehow he even manages to pick up her eyelid with her asleep so he can complete his job.

Last but not least, we have a scene from Paula's birthday party. J.T., her boyfriend, has organized the whole thing and even has a surprise for Paula. Paula's father has come to her birthday party. Paula is terribly excited to see him. We even get to see Paula's sister, mom, and nephews.

This season of Hey Paula closes out with a special goodbye from Paula herself. There are some clips of the more important moments filmed this season (like Simon being nice to her when she received an award) and a special goodbye message from Paula which she ends with "I'll always remain forever your girl."

So long, Paula, we look forward to seeing you next season!

I can't promise anything like a clip show, but if you want to read other musings on TV, film, and entertainment in general, come on over and check out The TV and Film Guy's Reviews.

Well thank God Bravo finally got an episode right. Who did they think they were editing for? The snarky ugly Paula haters? Or maybe her fans. This whole season has been a clip show. None of the editing has been in sequence. One minute we're at the Oscar suites (in February) and the next scene is from May. Bravo may have been able to fool the general public, but those of us who follow Paula know the time line, and they've been screwing with it the whole season.

I love Paula because like myself, she has both strengths and weaknesses, and she understands that its the sum of her parts that makes her, her perfect self.