'Big Brother 8': How many words for tears?

Happy Thursday, Big Brother fans! I can hardly wait to see who gets the boot this week! Jessica is HoH, which made everyone quite jovial, until it came time to nominate people for eviction. Now it's down to either Zach (the ogre) or Amber (the hate-monger), because Eric won the PoV last Tuesday and decided not to use it. Which went over GREAT! And by "great", I mean not!

Amber bitches that Eric is just looking out for himself and doesn't care about anyone else in the game. Because she's all about helping her fellow HGs navigate through the sticky (read: inept) politics in the house. Well, at least she is when she isn't busy either throwing them under the bus, steamrolling over them personally or gossiping about how they are terrible people. Zach camera talks that he would like to think that he had established strong relationships with everyone in the house which would protect him from eviction this week. And I would like to think that fairies will visit my bank account in the middle of the night and fill it with hundreds of thousands of dollars so I can pay for my education and buy a house. In reality, no one cares about Zach and I am still broke. Reality is a cruel mistress like that.

Speaking of cruel reality, I am willing to bet Julie Chen thinks she looks contemporary and stylish. In reality, I think she's wearing an outfit my mother had in 1993. Which my mother stopped wearing in 1995. At least her hair seems to be taking up last space.

Back in the house, Jessica cries, telling Eric that she feels like she made a big mistake with her nominations because there are two people on the block that she doesn't have a problem with and she had the opportunity to put up Dick and Daniele but didn't take it. Eric asks her if she really thinks Amber likes her, and she starts smiling and admits that it's unlikely. Eric continues by saying that she doesn't really like Amber either. So we are all on the same page! Until Amber comes in. And immediately starts crying and saying that she worked really hard for this and has a lot at stake and that she hopes when the time comes to vote that they do the right thing because a good person should win. She keeps saying that, yet is sadly oblivious to the fact that she is a not a good person. She is a bigot and a zealot. I won't bring up all the lying and so forth because ... come on -- that's supposed to happen on this show. But on top of the first two, she's also delusional and irritating and I am sick of watching her cry in every. single. episode.

Amber leaves and Jessica pouts that she wants her to stay and Eric laughs, pointing out that in a few minutes Zach will come up and say something nice and she will want to keep him instead. Speaking of, where is the ogre? Outside with Dick, who is spitting left and right, making it hard for me to really pay attention to what Zach is saying. Not that I ever really pay attention to what Zach is saying because watching Zach is like watching paint dry. Watching dull, mindless, troglodytic paint dry. In the end he says something about his plan being to win HoH and put up Jameka and Jessica and to back door Eric. Dick responds that he's OK with it and will vote out Amber, but that if he finds out Zach has lied to him, he's voting him out. Which means we cut to a flashback of Zach telling Eric that Dick and Daniele should be out as soon as possible because they are the most dangerous to everyone.

Back in the HoH room, Amber and Jameka both talk crap about Eric to Jessica, completely undermining her confidence in him. Not that it takes too much effort, mind you. There merest hint of an idea that he's controlling her and she's agreeing that she's being manipulated. Which is ironic, as I watch her be manipulated by Amber, who does so by admitting that she manipulated her boyfriend for years and knows all about it. Also, she's certain that Eric is avoiding winning HoH because he doesn't want pictures of his girlfriend up with Jessica in the house. Someone please hit Jessica over the head with a cluestick. Eric comes in and asks what they are talking about and Amber brightly responds "my boyfriend" before bouncing out of the room and down the stairs to beg Daniele to keep her. She says she doesn't have anyone she's close to in the house, and Daniele shoots her a look so she furiously backpedals with "Well, Jameka ... but other than that, it's you!", which is perhaps the most pathetic thing we've seen all season. There's nothing quite so pitiful as watching a liar caught in a bad lie, is there? Daniele is non-committal.

It's time to check on our America's Player and it's a surprise to no one that Amber is who America wants off their TVs, and Eric is glad to take the task on. He goes upstairs and asks Jessica what Amber was really talking about and why she was lying. Jessica tries to insist they really were talking about the boyfriend (who has a lot of egg on his face since Amber has basically told all of America exactly how much she has walked all over him) but unlike most of the HGs, Jessica has little ability to lie and grins, turns red and hides her face under the blanket. Eventually she tells Eric what Amber said about him not wanting to win HoH and Eric points out that Amber was a drug user with a 5 year old child  and now she constantly talks about what a good person she is while she is trying to play them against each other to make sure Jessica has problems with him -- the one person who truly cares about her. Surprisingly Jessica seems less than convinced. Where is that damn cluestick?

We cut to Dick coming to the room and telling Eric and Jessica that Zach told him his plan to target them if he won HoH. Eric turns around and tells Dick that Zach told him the same thing about him and Daniele. Dick, predictably, goes on a tirade about wanting to confront Zach with the fact that they all know he's playing both sides and that he's going out of the house. But I suppose even Dick is bored with his ranting abuse, because he never makes good on his threat.

Julie Chen robos into view to address what will come up after the commercial break and when she mentions that America's Player might be America's "Playah", I have to resist the urge to throw my remote control directly into my TV. When we come back, we get our first live shot of the evening and Julie greets the HGs, who answer her with "We can't hear you!". Unperturbed by this, ChenBot pushes ahead until the HGs wave their arms, point at their ears, shake their heads and yell at her. Someone get tech support to the Bot!

She goes through the usual barrage of boring questions before asking Daniele what she would have said to Nick if she had the chance. She beams and says "1 - 5 - 3!" and babbles about how hard it is and how she wishes he were still in the house and poor her, but refuses to decode what 1-5-3 means. I cheat too? That's what it means to her boyfriend back home. We also get a montage of Dick expectorating and Julie asks why he does it. He laughs and shrugs, saying it's like walking and talking. When I walk or talk I manage to keep my fluids on the inside.

We get a series of clips from Jameka's pastor and sister about what a great example of a Christian she is. Except for that whole part where she listened to Amber talk about how terrible Jewish people are and didn't once attempt to correct her other than to say that people would be mad if she talked like that. This is followed up by a series of clips of Eric's brothers talking about how great they think he's doing by making an alliance with Dick and Daniele. Then we meet Cheryl, the alleged ex-girlfriend, who confirms that her and Eric are broken up and while she can't help but feel a little jealous, she is 150% behind him and wishes him the best. The boy manages to date above his league, that's for sure.

We go live to the HoH with Jessica, and RoboChen asks about her and Eric and what she thought of what Amber told her about him having a girlfriend. She points out that the source was Jen and she decided to trust Eric over her. The Android also asks about their first kiss and why she thinks it took so long, and Jessica points out that the cameras add pressure and they were trying to focus on the game. Well, when he wasn't focusing on her rack, that is. Lastly, Chen asks who she thinks will go first if it comes down to her and Eric, Dick and Daniele, and she warns that people shouldn't underestimate how competitive she is. She shouldn't underestimate how easily she's controlled by others.

It's the magic moment where someone gets evicted! Zach gives a very formulaic speech that references all the Alice in Wonderland he can remember and which is utterly lame. Amber announces she's going to try not to cry and then immediately starts crying, while double talking about how much she cares about all of them and has a special place in her heart for each one of them and it's amazing to me that no one calls her on such complete bulls***.

Yet I suppose in a way they do, because with a 3-1 vote she's tossed from the house, though not before we get our secret time with Eric and learn that so far he's won $30,000 as our player! There are hugs and tears, but no dramatic declarations like Jen. Out front, the Droid asks her why she thinks she was evicted and she states it's her belief that because she was so good and made such strong relationships, that no one wanted to be next to her in the final two, but that she blames Eric the most for her eviction because "he's playing both sides -- it was in everyone's best interest". She should really consider paying more attention to what her mouth does.

Next, Julie asks her how she determines who is good and who is bad and Amber gives us the run down on how she metes out her judgments, saying it's based on how they play the game, if they are honest or if they lie, are nasty and rude. Conveniently forgetting all the lies she told and how nasty and rude she was about other people behind their backs, not even limiting her nastiness to the HGs, but including all New Yorkers and an entire religion as well. Finally, in the best question ever, Julie asks her if the game was in God's hands, did He want her to lose?

Whomever wrote that needs a raise and a promotion. Seriously, CBS.

Amber replies that she doesn't think God wanted her to lose, but that she made a lot of mistakes that she needed to learn from and that she hopes she can move on to something better, such as being an inspirational speaker. Can you imagine? "Ohmygod, you guys, like God? Is, like, soooo amazing and if you like just love Him? And tell Him you love Him? Like, nothing can really stop you, you know what I mean?" and then she cries.

The good-bye reels are saccharine and fake, proven by Dick saying he's really sorry to see her go. Quite a difference from a few weeks back when he would openly mock the other contestants in his good-byes. We close the show with the HoH competition, called The Tea Party. Each HG has a giant tea pot holding 55 gallons of tea which must be transfered to a giant fishbowl, filling it high enough to raise a silver ball inside and the first person to grab their ball wins. Which puts the short people at a disadvantage. Also, they must transfer the tea using teacups which hold 3 ounces of water, while slipping and sliding over a floor that is being hosed down with both corn oil and baby oil.

So, its another all night task. But best of all? Chen reveals to us that next week, there will be a double eviction. Surprise!

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