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'Age of Love': Mark finally picks his chick
Greetings to all the travelers of the S.S. Philippoussis on
this, the last voyage of Age of Love. I'm filling in for Liz as your
Cruise Director and promise to be as snarky as humanly possible while steering
you through the choppy seas of obvious voice-overs and constant reminders of
age differences.
Warning! There's an iceberg of spoilers ahead!
Tonight's episode starts off with the ominous yet non-threatening voice -
"Everyone wants to find true love but when is it too late?" Um...when
you've given up enough hope to go on a televised dating show? Not that I'm
judging...much.
"Who will he choose? A woman in her 20's or 40's?" I don't know but
it sure is convenient that there's one of each left.
We start in Melbourne where Mark stands at the end of a runway surrounded by
white linens flapping in the wind, like his pants. Then Jen the Cougar and
Amanda the Kitten walk down the plank towards Mark, their dresses and hair
whipping about. Seriously, couldn't you have done this inside? His voice-over
confides that he doesn't want to hurt anyone but he's excited about what he
feels is the right decision. And then we hit the good old flashback to three
days earlier. Way to create some non-existent drama, NBC.
Oh goody! The quote of the week! "Those who love deeply never grow
old." - A.W. Pinero (an English dramatist - which I know thanks to
Google). They don't grow old...only bitter. How fitting.
Jen and Amanda are in a limo on their way to pick up Mark. They make small talk
as their individual interviews let us know how they're feeling - which is
obviously nervous since today they get to meet Mark's family. Since I don't
know anything about the girls, I'm surprised at two things about Amanda: 1)
She's a Hockey Team Dancer. How does that work exactly? 2) Her eyebrows. They
are way too sculpted and that kind of bothers me. I've decided that I don't
like her. Yes, just because I don't like her eyebrows. I'm gangsta like that.
As the limo pulls up to Mark, his v.o. laments having to hurt one of them since
he's come to care for each girl. I'm betting he was hoping for a threesome at
some point. "I don't know what I'm going to do," he muses. Really?
Because I know - you're going to hurt one of them.
Not the sharpest tack, is he?
Amanda gets out and hugs him and tells Mark that she missed him. Gag. He
replies, "Me too." Way to not commit. Unfortunately, this makes way
for a perfectly vomitous montage about he and Amanda's history, complete with
Mark waxing poetic about their "instant chemistry" and her eyes and
smile and them making out a bunch. Gag.
Jen gets her own montage too, a decidedly less stomach-churning one. There's
was still making out and, funnily enough, Mark waxing poetic about their
"instant chemistry."
Once in the limo, Jen reveals that she brought a gift for Mark's mom. Mark says
it's sweet but she didn't have to. Jen says it's the first time she gets to
meet his mom and of course she had to. Score 1 for the Cougar. She says she
felt kind of bad for not telling Amanda she was doing it and Amanda was quite
ticked off by it, calling Jen's secrecy "childish." I'm sorry, but if
you didn't think to bring Momma a gift, that's your bad. Amanda's not too
bright either. I can see why Mark likes her.
They arrive at the house and Mark's disembodied voice let's us know that, while
his mom is shy, she also doesn't sugarcoat things. Also, he's only brought 4
other women home. Awesome. This is going to be awesome.
Inside, Rosanna the mom, Maria the older sister and Charlie the best friend
(and his wife Tarina and their children) are introduced to Jen and Amanda.
Amanda tells us that she was nervous and it showed as she barely spoke (which
she was kicking herself for). Jen, on the other hand, was very friendly and
wasted no time revealing her age (48 for those who don't remember) and her 25
year old son. Everyone was surprised and complimentary, especially Charlie who
says in his interview that he thought she was lying. Maria says she doesn't
think age matters. Score 2 for Jen. Jen reveals she used to play softball...as
did Maria. They also both work in Human Services (Jen getting a degree in
that). Amanda is still a mute while Maria and Jen find they have a lot in
common. Cougar - 3, Kitten - 0.
Cut to the kitchen, where Rosanna asks Amanda if she knows how to make a salad.
Amanda is not sure but is willing to try. Mom and Maria run down the
ingredients and the instructions (balsamic vinegar, oil, salt - toss) and
Amanda looks a bit apprehensive. Mom: "I don't think she's ready for
that." Jen to the rescue. She steps in and starts mixing stuff, as Amanda
isn't even sure what to do with the lettuce. Mom says, "One is big help
the other one is not so..." and adds the not-so-much handshake for effect.
Ouch. Love her. Cougar - 4, Kitten - can I take away points? Rosanna asks why
Amanda can't cook. She explains it's because her mom didn't cook much growing
up but she would love to learn. Way to save yourself. Cougar - 4, Kitten - 1.
After eating a big Greek lunch, as Mark calls it, they say they're goodbyes
with a hug and European cheek-kisses. On the way out, Rosanna tells Amanda that
she's "shy like me." Score another for the Kitten. Mark sees the
girls into the limo and tells them he won't be going with them and for Jen to
be ready for their one-on-one date that night. As they drive off, Amanda is
disappointed and jealous since Jen gets the first date. Amanda laments that she
hasn't had a single one-on-one and Jen's already been on several. Whatever.
Suck it up, chicky.
Back inside, Mark asks Decklan (Charlie's son) what he thought. He
diplomatically says he likes them both but in his solo interview he says he
likes Jen better. Charlie and Tarina stay neutral while Maria and Mom have a
split decision, Jen and Amanda respectively, as each is like the one they
favor. This doesn't help poor Mark and leaves him just as confused if not more
so.
We are told there are 46 hours until Mark's final decision
as we cut to Jen walking to meet Mark for a gondola ride up the river. I hope
that boat has a motor. That poor man's arms … but I digress. Jen intimates that
this is the first time she's felt nervous for a date with Mark while Amanda is
bothered by the idea of them being together.
With good reason because Jen's decided to break out the big guns. As night has fallen around their gondola, Jen, saying she felt playful, decides to share something intimate with Mark. She whispers to him how many times in a row she's … and Mark pulls back in surprise. Their ensuing conversation:
Jen: Did you hear me?
Mark: Yeah … I didn't know that was possible.
Jen: Yeah, it is.
Being the classy guy he is, Mark says he won't reveal what she told him "but the number 34 times was mentioned in the conversation." That's our Mark … classy with a "k"- like imitation krab. At least Jen won't have any trouble finding a date after this.
They end up dining in the Melbourne Aquarium, which is actually pretty cool. They oogle the surroundings before oogling each other and sharing their icky feelings. Jen tells Mark that's he's renewed her hope in love and thanks him for it. (Mark in his solo interview says, "Wow, I mean that's big." He might have also been thinking, "I like spaghetti! Yay!") They move to another little corridor where there are some pillows and blankets because Mark, apparently, has to make-out everywhere. Then get in this weird tickling/"I'm not touching you" thing – Jen doing the tickling because she's impervious to it. It was almost cute except for the whole he's made out with 8 other woman and has another intimate date with someone else thing. At the end of the date, he leaves Jen at her room after a kiss (blargh!) and his disembodied voice says that each date he has with her, he falls for her more. And NBC reminds us there are 42 hours left until Mark stomps on someone's heart.
The next morning, with 30 hours left, Mark meets Amanda for her date. Did they think the countdown would help create tension? C'mon, this isn't 24. But if Kiefer Sutherland showed up in a brief car-chase cameo, that would totally make watching this worth it. And one other point of digression: I had the Closed Captioning on because I couldn't always hear what Mark was saying and when he and Amada drive off, there's didgeridoo music. The Captioning actually says "[didgeridoo music]" and is followed by three quarter notes. I find that to be entertaining.
Anyhoo, Amanda says in the car that she would love to see kangaroos and koalas since they're in Australia, which is good since Mark's taking her to a wildlife preserve. Have any of you ever held a koala? They're cute, but they smell like sweat, dirt and Eucalyptus and afterwards, so do you. That's less cute. Like Amanda the more she talks. Look, she's a sweet girl but her conversations (and I use the word somewhat loosely) with Mark seem kind of forced. Maybe that's because she's obsessing about the details of Jen's date the night before. But that doesn't stop her from slobbing down with Mark on a log in the middle of the woods. Mark's VO says that he likes kissing each girl and that he feels something when he holds their hands. And that something is in his pants … I mean, heart. He feels something in his heart.
They go to dinner after this (with 24 hours to go until heart-mageddon) at some Japanese place and she asks what he feels. He launches into some bit about being open to this experience and age not mattering and blah blah blah. Let's speed this up, shall we? They end up going to a Villa to have drinks and desserts and Amanda ends up laying on top of Mark on the couch. Since this is the last date, he asks if there's anything she's thinking of. I think he meant sex, but she launches into her feelings. Amanda admits in her solo interview that she's in love with him and we go to commercial with an unflattering angle on them making out and me throwing up a little in my mouth.
The next day, Amanda and Jen are talking about age and briefly about the upcoming decision in the park. Jen's really cool … and I'm thinking she's not getting chosen because she's far too stable. They both seem like nice people though.
We then have about 12 minutes worth of time killing, rehashing, inane sound bites and composite shots of the three of them getting ready for heart-mageddon.
Now we're back to the flapping white linens and blah blah blah where we started. Jen's the first to walk the plank, which does not bode well for her. Then they cut to Amanda walking out. They try to create suspense by cutting back and forth between the speeches he gives each girl but in the end, as was inevitable, Mark tells Jen that he didn't pick her.
She takes it well in spite of her surprise and the fact that Mark just reached inside her chest and crushed her heart. She wishes him well and he tells her she deserves "someone who will treat her like the princess she is." To Mark's credit, he actually seemed upset and I dare say a bit teary-eyed. Jen says she used to think these dating shows were all fake but "this is real for me and it makes me sad." Me too, Jen. Me too. Her parting words? "He got scared. I know that if I had been younger, Mark would've chosen me. It hurts. It hurts a lot." They better set Jen up for the second season so she can pick from some hot guys in their 40's and early 30's (20's would be weird with her son and all).
So Mark tells Amanda he picked her and she's happy and they gross me out and sail off in a boat. And thus ends the not so grand experiment of Age of Love, without an appearance by Mark Consuelos by the way. What? They couldn't spring for a plane ticket for him?
Amanda always looked scary to me, and that was before her stalker tendencies were fully developed. Her over-collagenized lips and 7 pounds of makeup just frightened me. I love that salad making became so complicated that she had to pull the “my mom never taught me” card. Just awesome.
Given that we knew the ending since week 2, the finale was anti-climatic. But the journey has been quite fun, especially watching each woman develop their own reality show personality. We’ve seen weepy, psychotic, silicone, slutty, dumb, and botox. And that was just Amanda! Now, Mark and Amanda can go off and make little stalker-ettes...with weird looking lips.
I agree that Jenn deserves her own show. How funny would it be for her future suitors to have to meet her son? They could even throw in a few guys that are younger than him to make it even more awkward. And how proud is he to hear his mom admit on national television how many times she’s...? That’s klassy with a K!
Bob | Aug 7, 2007 4:12:11 AM | #Jen really is too stable to be on any reality show. She looks amazing, but more importantly, she seemed to have a great personality. Really, Amanda came off as way too needy and insecure to really be appealing to anyone. That's a relationship that's doomed for sure. My guess is that there are a zillion guys out there who would love to have Jen's phone number. You represented the forty-somethings with a lot of class, Jen!
Kelly F. | Aug 7, 2007 5:13:19 AM | #People actually watched this? With any sense of anticipation? Of COURSE it was going to be one of the young ones. Just like in dating shows where a beautiful woman has to choose between a geek and a hunk - they ALWAYS choose the hunk. What suspense?
People who watch junk like this just give the networks permission to pollute the airwaves with more of it. The next stupid dating show with a ridiculous premise (hint: they'll ALWAYS pick the younger and the prettier or hunkier, every time) JUST SAY NO! Jeeze....
righteousdude | Aug 7, 2007 6:12:19 AM | #The most disgusting thing about this is the reviewer's comment "I just threw up in my mouth". Why is this becoming popular all of a sudden? It's gross & so is the person saying it.
i am so happy Amanda won and not jen. cause if he picked jen the 48 year old well she has a 25 year old son and mark is in his earily 30's so it is like he had a baby with her at the age of 5.
victoria | Aug 7, 2007 7:14:25 AM | #When I read that comment about vomitting being gross, I totally threw up a little in my mouth.
courtney | Aug 7, 2007 8:02:45 AM | #Suspense, What Suspense? I knew the minute I heard about the show that Mark would pick a 20-something. Come ON...Guys will always pick the younger girl over the mature woman. I hope is happy with a jealous insecure little girl because that is exactly what he picked. Jen will be better off choosing from the mature established men that will be lining up to become her suitor.
Lisa | Aug 7, 2007 8:08:09 AM | #Yeah, and when I read your comment about reading the other comment about vomiting, I threw up a little in my mouth.
Steve | Aug 7, 2007 9:00:41 AM | #Reading the recap is the perfect way to watch this show. Nicely done.
KAP | Aug 7, 2007 9:02:28 AM | #read the commentary -spot on !
saw on getty images photos
of the two of them in Vegas
watching the last show last
night. she's dye her hair
black -like his ex-fiance
Alexis Barbara !
she wants to look exactly
like her !
he has no idea of the tidal
wave that's coming !
feel somewhat sorry for him !
she -really- wants him to
marry her !
only thing left is to get
herself pregnant ! she's
done everything else possible !
she's one piece of work !
to say the least.
Last as to the comment by
Jen "34" no way , no how ,
in a row , unless there were
at least 10 males in row on
the other side ! -please-
what a crock ! at least he
didn't buy into it ! give him
credit for that ! haha
About Jen and her O's...34 is possible...some women can have cascading orgasms. However, what I want to know is WHY you would even bother to count them...if you're counting while you're o-ing then it can't be that good.
Mary | Aug 7, 2007 10:05:55 AM | #what a hilarious show
of course he is going to pick the oversiliconed clown mouth collagened joker looking girl
she has no personality
will stink in bed
has no oopmh just like him
the two clowns deserve each other
and it won't last
once one of her boobs bursthe will get turned off
anti-climatic to say the least.
producers probably told him to pick one older gal and one younger.........
These comments were so long, I just threw up in my mouth a little...no a lot, reading them.
Ray | Aug 7, 2007 11:14:08 AM | #What's with Amanda's scary look? At first glance she's nice looking, then when she smiles . . . ahahhhhhhhh (running away).
I still wanna know how much help Jen has had to look that way at 48?
babe | Aug 7, 2007 12:27:53 PM | #i hate amanda i cant believe she won. 'i heard about your after massage experience' and 'jayanna said it' crap. and all she talks about it shes scared of the other girls dates and that hes doing the same thing to all of them. helloooo hes dating all of them! she has absolutely no substance, all fake like her boobs
| Aug 7, 2007 1:18:05 PM | #All I know is that anyone that has to lower themselves to lie about the other women (i.e Amanda), is extremely childish and immature. I don't like her.
The ONLY reason he picked her is because she's young. I mean...let's not forget, this is a guy who had a girlfriend that was 18 years old! Obviously, he likes them young.
Linda | Aug 7, 2007 1:23:44 PM | #I think Mark picked Amanda because she was the most striking of all the young girls there. And because she is SO OBVIOUSLY head over heels in love with him already - which is very scary. Kinda like a stalker.
Linda | Aug 7, 2007 1:25:49 PM | #I thought the show was fun. Jen was terrific, I think she was lucky Mark didn't pick her. He is boringggggggggg just like Amada. Jen run for the hills and don't look back. Jen it was nice to see a women on a TV reality show not acting crazy.
marthe | Aug 7, 2007 1:35:23 PM | #I wish it was Jen. At 48 she is a beautiful woman. Amanda is too immature. And her smile scares me. I don' find her all that attractive. Plus how stupid can you be? She got ridiculously jealous because he dated other girls and kissed them. Hello....you are on a TV SHOW where he dates 16 women, to see which one is THE ONE! I hope Jen finds what love she is looking for. I wish her the very best. Oh and 34 orgasms I have to wonder why would you count?!?!
AC | Aug 7, 2007 1:56:09 PM | #I really thought from the beginning he was going to pick Jayanna-not too old and not too young, and they seemed to get along well. I think Jen looked too botoxed and had alot of surgery to look like that-like eventually her face would just fall flat. I didn't like Amanda's drawn-out exaggerated eyebrows. Scary!!
lori | Aug 7, 2007 1:57:56 PM | #Hey, I'm so happy to have read the recap and not watched the show. It sounds just as painful as "The Bachelor," "Average Jo"e and "For Love or Money." But "Mr. Personality" with all the creepy hooded guys? Bring that one back, I tells ya!
Hanhonymous | Aug 7, 2007 2:43:12 PM | #Lisa said: "Jen will be better off choosing from the mature established men that will be lining up to become her suitor."
Nah. Are you kidding me? Established older men, they choose the young, easy-to-manipulate, insecure ones in their 20s, too. Why do you think they've been working so hard all their lives? To date the chicks they couldn't get in their youth.
savvy | Aug 7, 2007 2:54:18 PM | #Seems to me it was a foregone conclusion that Mark would be expected to spread his seed and populate the world with more little Marks, eh? Jen's eggs -- and, I'm guessing, desire to bear more children -- are numbered.
Amanda's quite the little whiner, and she certainly exaggerated some of the "advice" the others were giving her. What kind of psycho falls in love that quickly? But it's true, they both seem pretty dull and not the brightest bulbs on their respective trees. They deserve each other. Jen deserves better -- a class act...except for the oversharing with the 34 orgasm comment.
Some of the original choices were obviously out the door before things even started. Mary? Puh-leese. She was so insufferable I wish she'd stuck around a little longer ;)
Here's a thought for Jen's OWN T.V. show: she gets a range of men to choose from, but the age difference isn't as big a deal as the mens' INCOME ranges. Is that any more shallow than the last 8 weeks?
Love the show... hope to see another one maybe with jen and some older men and a few young hotties... i bet she picks a young hottie
*me* | Aug 7, 2007 4:53:44 PM | #I think Mark is really a player, and he plays tennis too. His history indicates that he will probably just date Amanda for a while, until her clingy, whiny ways drive him crazy, and then move on. If the show wasn't driving the conclusion, he would have just dated from the available pool. Hopefully, he won't get trapped by crazy Amanda and end up paying child support for her ministalkers, it looks like the whole thing is just for show. Jen is really the winner here.
sceneitall | Aug 7, 2007 5:44:32 PM | #
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