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'Rock of Love': Open up and say ... EWWA!
It's time for week two of the biggest train wreck on television, Rock of Love! As we go through the shows opener, I note that the women on the show are described as some of hottest women in the world. VH1, is it really wise to insult half your audience in the first 30 seconds?
We hit the previouslys running, and they center mostly on Tiffany and her amazingly drunken debut. We get to see her stagger around, molest other girls and apparently collapse - in her clothes - on a couch in the corner. I wonder if she even knew where she was when she woke up? Either way, she tries to act like she does as she gets up and camera talks that she probably had too much to drink the night before. Really? You think so? Her plan for today is to be low key. I'll hold my breath and see how long that lasts.
The other girls have also gotten up and have gone right back to the bar. Is there no other room in this house? A group starts mixing what looks like fuzzy navels for breakfast and Heather eavesdrops on them, overhearing Erin mention having been engaged and that she was supposed to get married in May. Heather's brain automatically ignores any information having to do with the past tense, because she's not a historical scholar. She immediately becomes incensed that a girl with a fiancee is in the house.
A few rounds later, the girls get enough alcohol in them to try and pretend they are rock stars rather than girls trying to date one and a group of them start playing the instruments. I can't imagine that anyone is shocked by how truly god awful it is. It's so bad the Bret stops his workout somewhere else on the property and goes to check it out. He sees the drunkenness beginning and decides to jump in, picking up a guitar and singing along with the girls. And I can't imagine anyone is surprised that the sound doesn't get much better.
Meanwhile, three girls crowd around a stripper pole, trying to out tramp each other. If the pole could talk ... it wouldn't. It would just scream. Or perhaps beg for boiling water and bleach. The pink haired Jes emotes for me by looking at the scene from afar and disdaining "Ewwa!" as we cut to a shot of two of the girls making out. Dallas makes herself my favorite person in the world by saying "the house turned into one of those horrible strip clubs you find by the airport."
The house quickly separates into two camps, described as "slutty girls vs bitchy girls". One of the bitchy girls describes the slutty girls as whorish and one of the slutty girls describes the bitchy girls as having sticks up their asses. I wonder how I am ever going to be able to tell which girl belongs to which group. Can we perhaps tag the ears of the slutty ones, or place radio collars on the bitchy ones? Work with me VH1.
As the divide in the house becomes more obvious, Lacey decides to make some waves after being snubbed by the bitchy girls. Her way of doing this it to grab Jes and drag her into the pool by the neck. Which angers Jes, and frankly it would piss me off too. Do you have any idea how badly pink hair can run? She handles it better than most would, warning Lacey to keep her distance while she goes to dry off. Lacey behaves worse than most would by childishly whining loudly "Oh no! I got WET!" I wonder how many episodes the show will go before someone hands Lacey her ass. Given that I would not want to meet most of these girls in a dark alley, I imagine it's going to start getting ugly soon.
Speaking of ugly, it's time for the first challenge. Bret is having the girls see how hot they can get him over the phone. The girls all dress in lingerie and Tiffany starts drinking even more. Dr. Roy - not an actual doctor - explains they are going to hook Bret's wang up to a piece of medical equipment that will supposedly monitor blood flow. This high tech machine has a "sensor" that is no more than a Velcro strap on a chord, but all the girls act like this is the most amazing experiment of all time.
Remember how last week I described the photo shoot as one of the least sexy things ever? This challenge is the aural equivalent of that. Additionally, as one girl tries to chat Bret up, the other girls are watching. Thus, everyone gets to hear Magdalena's man voice attempt to sing, Erin fake a British accent, Tiffany slur "don't threaten me with a good time", and Rodeo fake an orgasm. The word "horrifying" cannot come close to encapsulating this scene. In the end, Bret picks Erin, Rodeo and Lacey as his winners.
Brandi C., unable to control her jealousy, tells Erin she wants to kick her. Erin takes offense and the bickering has begun! Brandi C. tells Erin she is dumb and shouldn't be in the house because she has clown boobs. Erin counters that Brandi C. has a meth scratched face that is only considered attractive in trailer parks. Brandi C. starts crying and gets comforted by Krista and Heather, who vows to use Erin's supposed engagement against her. Brandi C. is soon telling Bret what Erin said, confiding in him that she had 47 stitches in her face from a car wreck. Way to bring the show down, Brandi C.
Elsewhere in the house, Dallas continues to win friends and influence people by declaring that people should kill all their pets and that animals are only useful to wear and eat. Dallas! You should have been on Surviving Ted Nugent! Lacey angrily announces that she supports PETA and asks how anyone could think of hurting an animal. Dallas deadpans that if there were an animal in the room at that moment she would slit its throat. This girl needs to write for SNL or something, because that right there was comedy GOLD.
The next day dawns and it's time for the date with the winners. Bret takes them all to a studio where he tells them he wants them to contribute to his latest track. Lacey sings, her voice cracking over the octaves, Rodeo fake orgasms again and Erin repeats her English accent schtick. I hope that track never sees the light of day.
As we get closer to elimination time, the girls talk about how nervous they are and do what they do best: drink. Heather takes the opportunity to tell Bret she heard Erin is getting married in May. Present tense. Bret calls for Erin to be brought to him and when he confronts her about it she says "Oh, hell no". Heather gets called back and the girls bicker. I tune them out much in the same way I imagine Bret does. Only I am not staring at their boobs.
Elimination ceremony time arrives - THANK GOD. Bret enters the room wearing a cow, yet Lacey remains strangely silent over the matter. Bret eliminates Faith - the prettiest girl there, Tiffany - the drunkest girl there, Tawny - the "who?", and Tamara - the dumbest girl there. This last one is proven beyond a shadow of a doubt when the girls says "This is good ... not bad. Although Bret was good too ... maybe. Not that I would know" before walking into a closet instead of out the front door. I am not making any of that up.
Thus, Lacey stays, as do Jes and Dallas (the two girls she hates), Heather and Erin stay (the two girls who hate each other), Brandi C. and Krista stays (the girls who think they look like sisters because they are blonde), and Rodeo and Magdalena stay (One looks like a man, the other sounds like a man). And a few others two, but they yet to slut out enough to make themselves memorable. Maybe next week.
I love watching this show!! I laugh my ass off the whole time. Train wrecks can be soooo much fun to watch.
Matt | Jul 23, 2007 9:19:33 AM | #Matt you're right, I think train wreck is probably the best way to describe this show. I just sit there with a gapping mouth of shock the whole hour saying over and over "Are you kidding me?!!?" Highly addictive television here folks, highly addictive television. Looks like a brawl is in store for next weeks episode, I can't wait!!
Candace | Jul 23, 2007 12:18:06 PM | #I think these recaps are better than the actual show!
Anastasia | Jul 25, 2007 8:35:25 PM | #celeb | Aug 11, 2007 2:29:56 PM | #
paris | Aug 12, 2007 6:45:23 PM | #
jess is kick ass i love that bret picked her they are so sexy together nice ending ...i,m a 23 old mom of two w/ my love of rock shawn ...and we love your show kool...
ambercraig | Oct 2, 2007 2:29:54 PM | #
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