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'Kathy Griffin': Gays, prisoners and porn, oh my!
In this episode of My Life on the D-List, Kathy is going to perform two shows at the Perryville State Prison in - no lie - Good Year, Arizona. What a cruel irony to bestow upon the incarcerated, Arizona. It's like pouring salt in the wound. Aren't they already paying their debt to society?
But before we get to all of that orange jumpsuited goodness, Kathy is going on a date with Mike "The Mouth" Matusow. The most annoying man in professional poker. Kathy's mom fusses over her cleavage baring top and then goes to greet Mike, who confesses that he's never heard of Kathy and is totally unfamiliar with her show. As soon as Kathy appears he tells her he's a huge fan, and darn it if Kathy doesn't warm my heart by completely calling him on his bullshit. Yes, she overheard him tell her mom he didn't know who she was. He covers for his faux pas by telling Kathy's mom if her daughter got out of line, he would beat her. Charming. Even more charming, during dinner he stares at Kathy's boobs, plays with his chopsticks, is totally unable to concentrate on the conversation, makes goofy faces while chair dancing and burps repeatedly between threatening Kathy with physical violence. Yeah, he's a keeper.
How does one follow up a date like this? If you're me, you hibernate in your home, read several books a week instead of answering your phone, and try to figure out how to get groceries without actually interacting with people. If you're Kathy, you host the Gay Adult Film Awards. There's a few tense moments as Kathy runs late, but drag queens are understanding souls who know you can't possibly be expected to leave the house for a red carpet event without looking just so. Besides, let's be serious ... I doubt the phrase "And the award for Best Leather Video goes to..." has ever been uttered at the Oscars.
Tom is there, with his creepy eyes, waiting for porn starlets to appear, but he only gets one. She wins an award for Best Non-Sex Performance. So she's the serious actress in the crowd. After the show, back at the hotel, Kathy and her staff go through the gift basket, which is filled with adult toys. All I can say is that the image of Tom dipping the head of a huge, purple, double-ended dildo into a jar of lube will haunt me forever.
Before heading to the pokey, Kathy decides to seek the advice of Paul Rodriguez, who is apparently an old hand on the prison circuit. Sadly, I have trouble paying attention to this scene because I spend it trying to figure out where the heck they are. There are bare cement floors, power tools and insulation in the various backgrounds. Is he working in construction now?
Talking to the prison's warden, we find out Kathy is performing for inmates that are being prepped for release, first for the women's prison and then for the men's. But first Kathy decides to take a day to talk to the the prisoners of each to find out more about them. In the educational portion of our show, we find out most of the women in the prison are there for drug related offenses. Just say no, kids!
She visits the cafeteria and finds out that several of the inmates attend a culinary school there and they typically work 8 hours a day. She seems shocked by this knowledge. I am shocked that someone who's a D-list celebrity is still famous enough to have forgotten that 8 hours is an average workday. She also visits the auto mechanic school, and spends the rest of the day talking to various inmates in an effort to learn some of their lingo, such as R.O.Y. - rumor on yard, and L.U.R.D. - lesbian until release date. It's just like vocabulary day in grade school!
The last stop is a round table discussion that introduces us to one prisoner who is pregnant. Kathy asks what that is like and the woman begins to talk about how once she gives birth the child will immediately be taken away and given to the father and that she won't get to see the baby again until visiting day. And everyone cries. Wasn't this show supposed to be funny? How come each week people are crying? I can't withstand this roller coaster of emotion!
The night of Kathy's performance arrives, and she is informed that there will be some empty seats. She can't fill the prison cafeteria because she's going up in the same time slot as Prison Break. After selling out Carnegie Hall, that has to be a slap in the face. But if we've learned anything about Kathy, it's that she thrives on adversity, so she goes out and has the women literally jumping out of their seats and hooting with laughter. I have to admit, it looks like a fun audience to be in. If it weren't for being in prison, of course.
Before going to the men's side, Kathy visits the maximum security and death row wards. She's not there five minutes before someone cries out she wants to kill Kathy. Kathy shouts back "Get in line, sister!". I would probably ask to leave, myself. To visit death row she wears a stab vest and talks to a woman through a tiny glass window who's on the row for killing a family member. That date with Mike Matusow is starting to look better.
On the men's side Kathy sits in on lunch with the prisoners in the mess hall. One guy suddenly rattles off a selection of random facts about her - how many siblings she has, her favorite color, what kind of car she drives - and right about now I think I would start trying to make eye contact with a guard. She asks one prisoner when his release date is and when he responds thirty days she quips back "unless you stab someone at my show tonight" and it's dead silent. I quietly beg Kathy to make a quick exit.
Luckily, she does have to get going because there is a press conference to attend. I do believe this is the first real press we've seen Kathy do this season. And it takes place in a prison in Arizona. I don't know why I am still amazed that this truly is a view of the D-list. One of the 8 reporters present brings up the fact that one of Kathy's brothers was incarcerated and it's obvious Kathy was unprepared for the question. I guess the press doesn't typically research fourth tier celebrities before their conferences and she admits she was unsupportive when her brother was in jail and he had since passed away. Again with the tug on the heart strings.
The men have packed the auditorium for Kathy, however. She has decided to make the show as profane as possible, at one point even shocking the locked down audience. I won't go into it, because my editor needs a vacation from me, but lets just say if you thought the Gay Adult Film Awards were going to be the bluest material, you were very wrong, my friend. Very.
So, we end the episode with Kathy having conquered child-men, gays, porn, and prisons. When wondering what she can do next, she figures the Vatican is her next stop. And if I say anything more, my catholic mother will not speak to me for a week, so let's all just end there, shall we?
I just love Kathy. This show is to funny. I loved her date last night. SCARY!!! I have enjoyed the rollercoster of events this season so far. I fell like I have lived them with her.
I hope she gets the job over at THE VIEW! She would be a GREAT fit.
Ray | Jul 11, 2007 8:40:05 AM | #8 hours is an average workday? Yeah, maybe in the 50's...
Jake | Jul 11, 2007 10:40:13 AM | #I adore Kathy Griffin and don't think there's another female funnier than her. Even when she's opinionated you just can't hate her. From the previews I expected the worst from the prison shows, but they actually looked like a lot of fun. I can't wait for next week!
Nolette | Jul 11, 2007 11:01:37 AM | #Mike Matusow, gay porn stars, then death-row prisoners... it was like she was climbing the dating ladder, getting better possibilities each time.
Jason | Jul 12, 2007 12:47:45 PM | #That episode blew me away. I can't believe how gutsy Kathy is. She's very skilled at reaching her audience too. Can't wait for next week's show.
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hknvoq@mail.com | Feb 4, 2008 11:00:12 AM | #tbygd vyzeq rtecm dfsjh pjmk nuroxa fhnkuzw http://www.wydxul.uztwexdh.com
niyvsk@mail.com | Feb 4, 2008 11:01:12 AM | #iam the stocker please call me kathy im now at of prison 6027105079 brian
brian jones | Jul 29, 2008 2:13:07 AM | #I just adore you, Kathy and your fucking wonderful humour! And yes, the 'U' in humour makes me Canadian...and apparently don't get your tv show until a year later -- just noticed the other comments were posted in '07. oh well.)
You really are just "too" funny (not to point out any spelling errors of ray who 'fell' for you). And gotta love that stalker of yours who may very well be the reincarnation of Brian Jones-a Rollin' Stone. Ask him if he can swim! (since he is now "at" of prison--EEK!) Anyway KATHY COME BACK TO TORONTO! I was out of town and my heart was nearly broken. You are the best and definitely on my A list. And I'm not a LURD--in fact, i'm not even in prison..never have been but DAMN i would love to see you perform....Perhaps I should commit a crime?
Love you, you're a terrific
comedian and (without gettiing too soppy)a truly wonderful daughter.
p.s. if you ever want some spec material from an unknown, give me a call!
I was in perryville prison when you filmed, im the guy you said i wouldn't get out of i stavbbed somone but i didnt and im out happy as can be and staying in trouble, recently engaged but i would like a copy of that issue when you were their
kevin palmer | Aug 12, 2008 7:47:05 PM | #
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