Finalewatch '07: 'American Idol' minute-by-minute

May 23, 05:30 PM

[This post, with its minute-by-minute recap of the American Idol finale will -- go figure -- contain spoilers of the American Idol finale.]

In its six seasons, American Idol has produced several tension-filled finales in which, up until the very last second, it was difficult to know who would win. Would it be Clay or Ruben? Would it be Bo or Carrie? As I write this, Wednesday (May 23) night's American Idol finale is seconds from starting and I have a nearly impossible time envisioning a scenario in which Jordin Sparks isn't the season's winner.

The following, then, is a minute-by-minute recap of two hours of build-up for a foregone conclusion.

8 p.m. ET Ryan Seacrest kicks off the show by asking the all-important question: Who will take the title, "the beatboxer from Seattle or the sweetheart from Arizona"? If it were that simple, it wouldn't take two hours to get an answer.

8:01 p.m. Blake has a slim lead in percentage of high-pitched squeals coming from the audience at the announcement of his name. Randy, stripped of the epaulettes he was wearing last night, promises it will be a hot night. Paula, bruise-covering make-up far-better applied tonight, feels excellent. And Simon's already bored.

8:03 p.m. The evening's first musical pairing finds Blake and Jordin singing "When I Saw Her Standing There" (repurposed with both original female-ogling Beatles lyrics and gender reversed Tiffany alterations). Is there any chance that we don't have to hear a "I've Had The Time Of My Life" duet this year? Blake can't sing harmony.

8:05 p.m. Gwen Stefani is our first celebrity performer, making her fourth appearance of the year, via satellite, to plug her latest, Acorn-free single. Say what you will about Our Gwen, but there's no doubt she's getting her money's worth out of this season's Idol exposure.

8:12 p.m. I would like all of you immature boors who mocked Kelly Clarkson for her weight and Idol Strikes Back (Gives Back?) muumuu to issue polite apologies (it's not too late to make a donation). Black boots nearly reaching the hem of her oh-so-short skirt, she looks and sounds fierce. She may still be the girl-next-door, but she's the ANGRY girl-next-door. I'll go two doors down to borrow flour.

8:16 p.m. It's time for the worst piece of finale filler, the Golden Idols, giving 16th and 17th minutes of fame to attention-starved hacks from the audition rounds. I'm glad that Margaret Fowler, the obese yellow-dressed woman, received a trip to Los Angeles and a "Best Presentation" award and the chance to be mercilessly mocked on national TV. Again. The director loves that Ms. Fowler is fat and has bad teeth and that she's providing endless mirth for the beautiful and famous people in the crowd.

8:21 p.m. The Top Six men show up dressed all in white (can Zombie Elvis be far behind?). They may have been asked to serve drinks before the show, but now they're singing "Ooh Baby Baby." They have enough trouble with the melody that they need Mr. Smokey Robinson to take the stage and show them how it's done. Watching and listening to Brandon Rogers sing his parts and flawlessly execute the choreography, it makes me feel that he's too good to have been so bad during the competition.

8:32 p.m. The 21st Century's Whitest Human Beatbox Blake and the 20th Century's Original Human Beatbox Doug E. Fresh unite for an oddball duet. Several things strike me: Blake's been taking it easy all season. He's far better at this and far spazzier than we've ever had the chance to see. And Doug E. Fresh still takes him to school, even though he's clearly holding back. Personally, I'd have preferred Biz Markie if we were recognizing a beatboxing pioneer. The dude made the music... with his mouth! Even after watching Mr. Fresh in action, Ryan still calls Blake an original.

8:36 p.m. Sholandric Stallworth wins the night's second Golden Idol, this for best vocal. Randy requests "Silent Night," which an under-micked Sholandric suitable destroys, to the whooping condescension of the crowd.

8: 38 p.m. All looking slinky in white, the Top Six women do a weirdly arranged version of "I Heard it Through The Grapevine." Everybody stays true to form -- Melinda's impossibly good, LaKisha bellows, Haley does a back-bend and shows off her legs. Enter Gladys Knight -- like Smokey Robinson (but not Doug E. Fresh) a former guest judge -- to show them how it's done. She's fabulous. And Stephanie Edwards was voted out much too soon.

8:47 p.m. Even Simon gives Tony Bennett a standing ovation. He's doing "For Once in my Life," but am I the only one confused by why he's doing a solo version of a song from his Duets album? Or maybe the duet is with Paula, tears in her eyes. Tony's a show-stopper and even Randy looks a bit misty-eyed. This show may be two padded hours, but it's worth it to see Smokey Robinson, Jerry Springer and Jennifer Hudson cheering for Tony Bennett. Where else but American Idol, kids? Only in America.

8:50 p.m. Jonathan and Kenneth are the clear Golden Idol winners for top pairing (though the opportunity was missed for some naughty French-tipped choreography with rogue Jersey Girls Amanda and Antonella). Jonathan and Kenneth talk of all of the perks of their fame. Kenneth still looks like a bushbaby and he thanks Simon for giving him this sophisticated and respectable level of fame. Ryan claims that a real bushbaby has been sponsored in Kenneth's name at the Milwaukee County Zoo.

8:55 p.m. Melinda used to sing backup for BeBe and CeCe Winans. Tonight, they all share the spotlight. BeBe and CeCe have fantastic voices, but Melinda's right there with them. Is it too late for a revote?

9:01 p.m. You know what song fills me with nostalgia? "Time After Time." And you know what it makes me nostalgic for? Ford commercials. Oh, remember those classic advertorial moments? But Ford is giving back. Both Blake and Jordin are getting new Mustangs.

9:03 p.m. And speaking of giving back, remember Carrie Underwood lip-synching to dying children earlier this season? Or maybe giving a Robo-Carrie performance on a previous results show? The Season Four winner is back. Again. Oh, American Idol, she'll stand by you.

9:06 p.m. Absent for his regular Top Three Night appearance, Clive Davis pops up to admit that Katharine McPhee and Taylor Hicks may have been last season's top finishers, but the one he now loves most is Chris Daughtry. He thanks the judges for their gifts at selecting new talent, Jennifer Hudson for winning an Oscar and the songwriters for making it all possible. Yes, huzzah to you, unrecognized composer of "I Wanna Get All Up Inside Your Heaven." But Clive's ultimate purpose is to present Carrie Underwood for going six-times platinum. Carrie touches her chest, covers her mouth, gives a "Who me?!?" look and then makes a very prepare speech.

9:16 p.m. The African Children's Choir is much more fun freed from the shackles of Josh Groban. They pour by the dozen onto the stage and give a performance of truly infectious enthusiasm. Remember, it's not too late to donate.

9:18 p.m. Is it somehow offensive to jestingly put Sanjaya Malakar in the same category as Abraham Lincoln, JFK, Martin Luther King Jr. and Einstein? Yes. But if it gives Sanjaya the chance for a solo performance of "You Really Got Me" (with Aerosmith's Joe Perry, for whatever reason), I guess he doesn't mind. And yes, there's Ashley the Crying Girl sitting in the audience. And what's she doing? Crying. It's funny that the judges selected Antonella and Sanjaya for the Top 24, but on finale night, they're being treated as freaks.

9:21 p.m. Joe and Sanjaya are a tough act to follow (if you want to be taken seriously), but Green Day is willing to give it a shot, covering John Lennon's "Working Class Hero," representing Amnesty International's Instant Karma: The Campaign to Save Darfur. Who'd have figured, back when Dookie came out and they were instigating a riot at Boston's Hatch Shell, that Green Day would become the socially conscious voice of a generation? Last season's Idol finale was about fun, but tonight's show is more somber and self-important.

9:31 p.m. Your defending American Idol champ, Taylor Hicks. How odd. What must Taylor have been thinking backstage listening to Clive's jive about his less-than-Daughtry album sales?

9:36: p.m. Is it too late for Ruben Studdard to have a comeback? I always liked the Velvet Teddybear and he does a fine duet on "You're All I Need to Get By" with Jordin. While some of tonight's pairings have clashed a little, but Ruben and Jordin understand how to share the stage. ROOOOO-Bin!

9:42 p.m. Bette Midler? Adjusting her microphone pack? Only on American Idol. But it's yet another somber song for a night that's included too much sobriety. When she's waving and pointing to the sky is she singing to Barbara Hershey? She knows that was just a character in Beaches, right? The WB's The Mountain to the contrary, Barbara Hershey is very much alive.

9:51 p.m. Well, American Idol went to all of the trouble of clearing rights to the Beatles catalogue, so they might as well use it. Joe Perry and Kelly Clarkson (again muumuu-free) kick things off with "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band." Taylor Hicks moves into "A Day In The Life." Then Carrie Underwood, accompanied by the Top Six women, goes into a strong version of "She's Leaving Home." Ruben Studdard starts a bit rough on "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds," but he grows on me as well. Then the Top 12 do their thing with "With a Little Help From My Friends" (making sure Haley gets the lyric "I want somebody to love"). As group sings go, that was much less of a desecration than I might have feared. There was discomfort in the tombs of Cool Beatles John and George, but no rolling, I don't think.

10:01 p.m. Oh yeah! That's right! RESULTS! I nearly forgot.

10:02 p.m. 74 million votes were cast last night. Ryan feigns no closeness to the vote. Randy picks Jordin. Paula's proud of both of them and that they're both winners. Simon congratulates Jordin.

10:03 p.m. Paula's wrong. They're not both winners. The winner is...

10:04 p.m. JORDIN SPARKS. Like everybody else I'm, um, shocked.

10:05 p.m. Thanks, readers. It's been a fun season.

Thoughts on the results? On the finale itself? Where does this season rank for you?

in Reality TV

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Comments (73)

Comments

We have officially reached the lowest point in human existence. The world will end in 3..2..1...

Andrew | May 23, 2007 5:49:28 PM | #

who made ryans tuxedo?

michael | May 23, 2007 6:18:39 PM | #

Green Day? on AI? they've lost whatever respect they got for me for their last album. Tonight has been a complete letdown compared to last season.

rc | May 23, 2007 6:23:30 PM | #

With the Golden Idols, Sanjaya and Green Day I find myself glad that VH1 is airing "From Justin To Kelly".
At least some of the other highlights have been worth watching!

TSM | May 23, 2007 6:40:43 PM | #

Congrats Jordin!
(Damn that song sucks)

Hammy | May 23, 2007 7:09:55 PM | #

I guess I am in the extreme minority. I actually DON'T hate "This is My Now", and I didn't really dislike Blake's performance of it last night, compared to his beatboxing (which I thought was kind of cool the first three times I heard it, but I grew disgusted with when he went to the finale instead of Melinda). Jordin's performance of the song was outstanding. I've heard people say it was chosen with Melinda in mind, but I think Jordin's version will sell big time.

Grayeyes | May 23, 2007 7:56:02 PM | #

i agree , I kinda like "this is my now" although i didn't at first but now that i've heard it a couple times (by jordin, not blake) it's pretty good, even though its a lot like "inside your heaven" and "my destiny" i ALWAYS enjoy the weekly minute by minute recap, I loved "Paula's wrong. They're not both winners." haha... i'll miss reading this every week!! And wow Kelly clarkson is amazing and Bette Midler is still the ultimate diva... wish she and kelly had done a duet, now that would've been something... but yea... i agree... way too many "somber songs" even though they were pretty much all good. 'till next year.

Robert | May 23, 2007 8:15:59 PM | #

Wow, after reading through all that filler, I'm glad I watched Lost, but know they were creamed in the finale.

Billiam | May 23, 2007 8:39:25 PM | #

Daniel just hates blake! admit it

Jonathan | May 23, 2007 8:56:22 PM | #

Thanks, Mr. Daniel Fienberg. It's been fun reading you.

CCYu | May 23, 2007 9:17:50 PM | #

RC. If you'd watched the show you'd know that Green Day performed to publicize the genocide that is taking place in Darfur. Like Bono, they know the best place to publicize good causes is on the show that is most popular at the moment. So cut them some slack!!!!!

alex | May 23, 2007 9:20:09 PM | #

Is it me or was the Devoiced Miss M so awful tonight that had she been auditioning for th show she would have been one of the ones they showed as gags-ouch!!!!! SgtPpepper must have run screaming into the night after what KC did to him but who knew Taylor Hicks could do the Beatles proud...Doolots may have gotten robbed but she surely could do a threesome tour with the Winans :>

Mikey | May 23, 2007 9:26:21 PM | #

What a Blaketacular season it has been.

See you in January.

mehtel | May 23, 2007 9:37:42 PM | #

I wish it was blake :(

Jayden | May 23, 2007 10:01:13 PM | #

But it is not Blake. Damn It, Jordin Deserved it.

Leticia | May 23, 2007 10:57:38 PM | #

What is wrong with Bette Midler? I mean, really!! She sounded as though she'd had her tonsils yanked the day before. AWFUL!!

Anonymous | May 23, 2007 11:29:07 PM | #

Congratulations Jordin. I actually liked this finale better than last year.

penny | May 23, 2007 11:32:07 PM | #

Daniel, you are once again, hilariously awesome! Man I'm gonna miss reading your recaps. The Bette Midler stuff (ooh she was AWFUL, I hate when people change singing into speaking in sing-songy craptasticness), ROOOO-BIN, Ashley the crying girl - crying - I was laughing my ass off. My DVR didn't record the end - but just as I thought, Jordin won. But from seeing Melinda tonight, that's your real winner right there. Did Paula, in happy space thanks to the meds caused by her dog, schedule the performers for the finale? It was completely random and strange. And I just thought - they never had Degarmo back, did they? And couldn't they have squeezed in some Yamin tonite, perhaps a duet with Melinda? Dang - so many good possibilities. Instead we got dorky awards, bad harmony, Blake having essentially disappeared from the show sans his awesome perf with Mr. Fresh - was that not the best moment AI has had in awhile? And how about Clive's not-so-subtle diss to Kelly for writing all her songs and not doing it his way - bye Kelly, you've been replaced by Carrie. Buh-bye Blake's energy, Randy's MichaelJackson-ish outfits, Paula's useless opinions, Robo-Carrie (6 million? really? can Bo get some love?) AI, bye Daniel, please write soon!

walt | May 23, 2007 11:39:44 PM | #

Daniel, we started off rough with this and the 24 recaps (we disagreed on some points) but damn son you're funny!
The last few weeks should've been called American Idol:the Jordin Sparks show. It was soooo manipulated to put her in the front anyone in thier right mind would have to agree. I just hope they don't shaft Blake on his album the way they did with Katherine Mcphee. Last year they were all for performance and now they're all "this is a singing competition!" Totally inconsistent. Nevertheless I am an addict to the show and will return next year.
PS. Sanjaya will outsell Jordin...mark my words!

Doogie Howser, M.D. | May 24, 2007 12:47:15 AM | #

Is it me or does Kelly Clarkson have some serious Boooooo-tay!!!!!Owww!

Bill Cosby | May 24, 2007 12:49:02 AM | #

WORST. FINALE. EVER.

the show was supposed to be about the top 2...not all the celebrities and artists. at least last year they commmitted to actually focusing on the contestants...all twelve of them.

i HATED this season so much.

john t. | May 24, 2007 1:45:10 AM | #

Well congrats to Jordin. I enjoyed the show more than I thought I would. Loved Kelly, Carrie, Green Day & the Divine MIss M.( she was a bit rough, but I still like her ). I will miss reading Daniel and everyone's comments about the show. Til next season. Daniel, do you do the recaps on the tryouts before the competion actually starts?

catwoman | May 24, 2007 4:23:53 AM | #

As I recall, last year the top six got to sing with their idols. This year it was the top three and Sanjaya... what gives? If they had cut the Golden Idols, Green Day, Taylor Hicks, Sanjaya, and Bette Midler agony, it would have been a much funner show. Loved Melinda, Smokey, Gladis, Kelly, Rooooo-bin, Tony, and the African Childrens Choir!
Congrats to Jordin! She was great!

Jilly | May 24, 2007 4:48:23 AM | #

The lamest finale ever and no shocker-oooo!! Oh, and that thing with the lady in Yellow; who kissed Ryan - WTF? I think Idol has sunk to a new low. I wonder how much they paid Carrie and Kelly to appear? I am sure each protested the appearance; but saw the dollar signs$$$$$

Jason | May 24, 2007 5:19:06 AM | #

Sort of sad for Jordin that they spent so much time on the AI Variety Show that they had to roll the final credits over her face as she sang her victory song.

Sara | May 24, 2007 5:22:18 AM | #