It turns out that the only thing that keeps me awake during these hour-long American Idol results shows (beyond a Boston Red Sox game in the background) is doing a minute-by-minute recap. It's the intellectual equivalent of pinching myself.

Here's how Wednesday (April 18) night's Idol hour went down:

9:01 p.m. Without a second's hesitation, host Ryan Seacrest kicks off Wednesday's show by approaching the judges and immediately asking Simon Cowell for his version of the Tuesday evening eye-roll. Capping off a day spent largely in damage control, Simon begins with "I wouldn't normally comment on a press story" (a lie, but whatever) and then repeats his claim that he was rolling his eyes at a conversation he was having with Paula. He beings his protestation with "I may not be the nicest person in the world..." before insisting he'd never roll his eyes at something as serious as the Virginia Tech tragedy. Some people may have been doubting Simon. Lucky, though, American Idol exists as  something of a Panopticon (how many other Idol recappers drop Jeremy Bentham references, y'all) and the tech staff was able to dig up not only video, but muffled audio from the camera pointed at Simon and Paula while the main camera was on Chris Richardson and Ryan. It's wonderfully conclusive. Simon wasn't rolling his eyes at Virginia Tech and he wasn't rolling his eyes at Chris pandering for votes (or displaying his sympathies). He was simply trying to make sense of a really stupid thing Chris had said previously. End of story, kids.

9:06 o.m. Ryan takes his man-on-the-street act to Hollywood and Highlands. He flirts with a cutie in a red lifeguard sweatshirt and gets an Southeast Asian guy to mispronounce Sanjaya's name. But how seriously are we supposed to take this man-on-the-street segment if the most interviewed "civilian" certainly looks a lot like BJ Averell, one of the winning hippies from Amazing Race 9, the bearded clown who also popped up in the American Idol audience last week?

9:08 p.m. In what Ryan promises will be their last time "going country," the Magnificent Seven go into group sing mode with something called "I'm Alright," a life-affirming, Up with People-style song that leaves nobody taxed. Beyond a weird game of musical chairs, there's no choreography and only the truly talented singers are asked to harmonize (sorry, Sanjaya, no harmony for you). This is exactly the kind of thing I'd expect a lot of at Idol Camp this summer.

9:15 p.m. Tonight's American Idol challenge question forces people to remember the glory weeks back before Gina Glocksen was eliminated. Parents, if you see that your kids wasted money texting an answer to this week's question, punish them dearly. If texting answers is free, punish them anyway.

9:16 p.m. All of our Idol favorites are asked to list their favorite artists. Melinda salutes Fred Hammond and Kirk Franklin. Phil Stacey is feeling Willie Nelson. Blake like Incubus. Chris Richardson likes singing out of his nose. And, in what we in the business call a "segue," Jordin's listening to Fergie. Wait. Jordin. Did you say Fergie? Because...

9:17 p.m. Since Grindhouse and Poseidon have both tanked, Fergie takes a break from her acting career to pop up on the Idol stage. She's several black-eyed peas away from being interesting. What's the point of Fergie if she's going to be this over-dressed for a live performance?

9:25 p.m. The night's Ford commercial is a jaunty espionage spot set to Flock of Seagulls' "I Ran (So Far Away)." It doesn't offend me. I've promised that I won't make fun of Idol Gives Back. Thus, I'll turn my attention away from the extended advertisement for the worthy special to wonder why Jonathan Papelbon can't throw strikes.

9:31 p.m. Jonathan Papelbon remembers how to throw strikes. Sox win!

9:32 p.m. It's that time of year again, when Ryan splits the Top Seven into two groups and asks one unlucky person to choose which group is top and which is on the bottom. Sanjay, LaKisha and Blake go to one side of the stage, while Phil, Jordin and Chris go to the other. That leaves Melinda in the Monkey-in-the-Middle position occupied by the likes of Bo Bice, Taylor Hicks and George Huff in past seasons. First Ryan tells Melinda that she's safe. Of course she is. Then he asks her to pick the group she thinks is safe. The only way to win here is to tell Ryan to take a long walk off a short pier. Melinda does the right thing and sits down in the middle. They've learned well, these contestants.  Ryan tells her to join Chris, Jordin and Phil in safety.

9:36 p.m. That means our Bottom Three is Sanjaya, LaKisha and Blake. Guess who the judges are surprised to see there? Randy says it's crazy to see Blake up there. Paula worries about Blake's grandmother, in the audience tonight. She notes, though, that she understands why two of them are there. Simon grins and says he's beginning to sense something. Is Simon seeing the end of his Sanjaya Tunnel?

9:38 p.m. Who is Oleg the FOX cab driver and why do I hate him so much?

9:42 p.m. The Top Seven got to go see Shrek the Third this past week at DreamWorks Animation. Shrek the Third? Yes. What movie was that, again? Shrek the Third? Oh. Is that the director of Shrek the Third? Why yes it is! Is that Jeffrey Katzenberg, producer of Shrek the Third? Why yes it is. Omigod! Is that Antonio Banderas, co-star of Shrek the Third? Por supuesto! Is Shrek the Third coming soon to a theater near me? Oye. I feel so unclean. And did the Idol finalists all love their special screening of Shrek the Third? Heavens yes! They should feel unclean as well.

9:46 p.m. Banderas, in the audience, swears he voted seven times, once for each of the finalists. Quick question, why does Banderas say that Shrek the Third is opening sometime in June? The show dedicates a full five minutes to utterly whoring for your movie and you give the wrong release date? Somewhere a DreamWorks publicist is having a heart attack.

9:49 p.m. Martina McBride sounds good and looks smoking hot. I apologize for anything I may have said about her being boring last night.

9:51 p.m. Give Martina's daughter Emma her own show. She's even better than Ashley the Crying Girl.

9:54 p.m. Time to get down to business. Ryan's first course of action is sending Blake back to safety, much to the audience's approval. Simon is rubbing his hands together in glee. Is this the moment he's been waiting for...

9:56 p.m. It is! Sanjaya's improbable American Idol run is over. Can we note that his colleagues seem surprised and just a bit sad. Sanjaya is in tears, but at least we get several shots of Ashley the Crying Girl as well.

9:58 p.m. Lazy writers (like me!) will use headlines involving the end of our national nightmare. How many people will have the guts to look over the remaining six and observe this simple truth: This isn't the most exciting sextet. Sanjaya's presence meant mystery, danger and the potential for hilarity. If I had some assurances that he wouldn't win, I'd gladly have kept him around a bit longer.

9:59 p.m. Sanjaya changes the lyrics of his farewell song to "Let's give 'em something to talk about other than hair." Even Simon finds a way to be amused.

How are we feeling about this week's results? Is anybody prepared to admit that they may miss Sanjaya just a little bit? Oh and does anybody owe Simon an apology?

Comments

Love your blog. I have never seen American Idol, but reading about it is so entertaining. thanks!

Linda Lee | Apr 18, 2007 8:02:06 PM | #

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A panoptican! Love it!

Shaleen | Apr 18, 2007 8:25:18 PM | #

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The nightmare is finally over and (hopefully) the show will be better! Sanjaya will either be a star, or fade away, after time away from American Idol (until the season finale, summer tour), but I know I won't be worried about him! Let the competition finally begin!

Andrea :o) | Apr 18, 2007 9:09:34 PM | #

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Love your blog. First thing I do after watching American Idol on TV. Tell me to get a life, please.
One thing though, you are a Red Sox fan. Oh well, nobody's perfect.

CCYu | Apr 18, 2007 9:13:13 PM | #

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Fergie was not only lip-synching, she wasn't even "live". It was pre-taped a few weeks back (notice, the final 7 vanish from the bleachers, and Randy goes from wearing a dark outfit with a hat to wearing no hat and bright white).

Bye-bye, Satanajaya. Maybe you and William Hung will be the super special duet next week.

Frank Rook | Apr 18, 2007 10:26:22 PM | #

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I thought the group sing was ok. Was not impressed with Fergie. Martina was good. Surprised to see Blake in the bottom. But I think since Chris made the comment about VA Tech that brought him votes, because he was not better than Blake. I bet Lakisha was surprsed to find herself in the low group.
I am glad that Sanjie is gone but I agree with Daniel, Idol won't be as funny now.
In regard to Simon, Simon is just Simon. He makes the show interesting.
Just a comment to Daniel --- I love reading you column. It is the first thing I do on the mornings after Idol while I have my coffee. Good job!

catwoman | Apr 19, 2007 4:16:07 AM | #

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IT'S ABOUT FRIGGIN' TIME!!! Sanjaya was an untalented fool who should have taken himself out of the competition.

Ringo | Apr 19, 2007 4:35:22 AM | #

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Hated Fergie, hated Martina, and really hated the group sing-a-long. Whether or not Simon rolled his eyes at Chris' comments about Virginia Tech, I know I certainly rolled my eyes at it. Think about it, he's criticized on his lousy singing, argues with Simon about it, and unless he made some kind of insincere-sounding pitch for the VA Tech victims, he'd have gone off the stage on a negative note. It was lame, it was desperate, and it was in poor taste.

Chinkles | Apr 19, 2007 4:37:46 AM | #

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Welp. Was wrong about that one. Thought they'd send C.R. home even though Sanjaya was much worse.

Mehtel | Apr 19, 2007 5:05:34 AM | #

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As I said last night - There is a God above! Bye Bye Bye kiddie!

Oh, I have been affected by tragedy - 9/11 to be exact - BUT - - NO one can deny the fact that Chris got many many votes on Tuesday night thanks to him mentioning VA Tech - I know he is from VA and all, but it was kind of a "ploy" to get sympathy votes - sorry, it was folks - play it back, he clearly manipulated the playing field!

What is next weeks theme?

Jason | Apr 19, 2007 5:19:07 AM | #

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I LOVE YOU SANJAYA!!!!

Ashley | Apr 19, 2007 5:19:12 AM | #

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Gotta give credit to Sanjaya; his swan song performance was better than his actual Tuesday performance.

pakopako | Apr 19, 2007 6:02:57 AM | #

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It's very telling that they had to dedicate so much time in defending Simon. We've become so quick to judge something negatively rather than even consider the possibility that something might just be out of context. I think the media might want to apologize for their hand in it - they sensationalize every little detail because they all want to be first on a scandal.

fredric | Apr 19, 2007 6:23:25 AM | #

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Ah Dan, your column brings me lots of laughter. I'm even willing to forgive you being a Red Sox fan. :-)

Brian | Apr 19, 2007 6:28:47 AM | #

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HAHAHAHAAHA.....i told you guys that Sanjaya was leaving last night. I guess that starving gurl can finally eat(don remember how long she was fasting). So much for sanjaya. I was a bit surprised that blake made it in the bottom three. I think that chris got off cuz he made a last minute dash to save himself. Melinda might win or Blake. Did anyone ever do a detailed study on the success rate of the idol finalists from the previous seasons?

chris | Apr 19, 2007 6:36:00 AM | #

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FINALLY! Sanjaya is gone! Now, let the competition begin. If Lakeisha would have been voted off, I would have been done with AI! I guess i'll keep watching!

Texasgirl | Apr 19, 2007 6:44:05 AM | #

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CATWOMAN- I THINK I LOVE YOU

BATMAN | Apr 19, 2007 7:08:19 AM | #

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SANJAYA IS GONE..NOW AMERICAN IDOL CAN BE ENJOYABLE TO WATCH AGAIN!!!!

Memphismike | Apr 19, 2007 7:09:44 AM | #

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I didn't appreciate the t-shirt Shanjaya wore with the inscription, "Life is Beautiful." Certainly life IS beautiful, but in the wake of the Virginia Tech masacre, I think it was quite insensitive of the show's stylist to have him wear that. Am I being ridiculous?

The_Shoparazzi | Apr 19, 2007 7:15:48 AM | #

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I think I'm actually going to miss Sanjaya. What is wrong with me?
Oh yeah, go Sox! Love Wakefield.

Renee | Apr 19, 2007 7:17:08 AM | #

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I meant, "Sanjaya."

The_Shoparazzi | Apr 19, 2007 7:17:21 AM | #

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While I MUST admit I could not stand Sanjaya in the beginning and begged for him to go, it was bittersweet last night. I guess he won me over -his personality - definitely NOT his singing :-) I found myself hoping Lakisha would go instead.

The way those kids stick together is really sweet and, at least they reunite for the tour later on. Plus, there is always someone else going home the next week.

Chris | Apr 19, 2007 7:26:31 AM | #

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Finally it's a singing competition.

JC NYC | Apr 19, 2007 7:45:10 AM | #

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I didn't feel sorry for Sanjaya. Maybe he couldn't control the voting that elimated other singers instead of him in previous weeks, but he totally bought into the "universe of Sanjaya" hype and used it to his advantage. Last night it finally hit him and thus, the tears. He stinks, and no hairdo or smile will ever change that.

Trish | Apr 19, 2007 7:47:18 AM | #

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Chris and Phil got votes because they were perceived as being "in danger", whereas Blake and Lakisha have been perceived as "safe" until now. This is Idol's way of reminding you to vote.

Has anyone who appeared in a bottom three ever gone on to win? If not, that leaves Melinda and Jordin as the most likely contestants to win (duh!)

Lex | Apr 19, 2007 7:57:04 AM | #

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